Tacky Girl

Tacky girl
Your laughter is grating
Kindly give it a PG rating
And stop molesting my ears.
Cheesy predictable troll
Like a radio DJ, so loudly saying
Nothing of worth
And trying to cling to my
Sensible shoestrings
Tripping over your own
Badly shod hooves
Which reside orally.
So quickly you bray
At what any boy might say
As though that chalkboard feeling
Were somehow appealing.
And no color dress can
Compliment your lack of charm,
It's just a bit of fabric,
Not a piece of magic.
Cherie, listen to me,
That shade of desperation
Really isn't in this season.

Unforgiven

If I ever forgive you
What will that mean?
How can this resentment,
Hoarded up and stored
In jagged angry cages,
Ever just dissipate
Or blow away?

Such heavy matter must combust
To melt down and mold
Into something else altogether.

But this is all just speculation
For I never will absolve you
Even if I am crushed
By my own bitter trove.

Heart Of Gold

The problem with a heart of gold
Is how it's always bleeding
Bits of fortune everywhere
And someone's always needing
More and more for a low low cost
More attention, more tasteless feeding
And these demands will never cease
Until your heart has no more beating.

Crashing

When everything is going well
And the skies are clearing up
The weather's turning warm
And abundance is within reach

Just wait.

When the other shoe drops
You'll touch the broken glass and wonder
How you stay put together
When everything else

Crashes down.

Desire

You think you deserve me
As though I were some prize
Given for your acts of mediocrity.
You merely desire me
Like a child in the candy aisle
But your desire means less to me
Than a sticky bag of taffy.
Your desire deserves nothing.
And no one will ever deserve me.

Heavy Old Sweater

I will always feel like this
I have always felt like this
This is all I can feel
This feeling is all I can think of
And your questions fly past me
And your worry is muffled
Because your smiles are noisy
And I don't want to hear your pity
I don't want to be consoled
I just want to wrap this heavy old sweater
This heavy old feeling around me
And stop.

Only In Dreams

When I feel like dancing
I can dance to anything
And when I feel like drowning
I sink so deep I'll never be clean.
But now I feel like sleeping
To disappear in dreams.

Excuses

I'm creative.
I need a lot of sleep.
I'd rather spend my time
On something deep.
It doesn't bother me.
Can't find it if it's put away,
Plus it feels so empty.
Cleaning every day is crazy!

But mostly I'm just lazy.

Piece By Piece

Here's a piece of my body
Shyly, selectively showcased
For your admiration or scorn.
I watch your face intently(discreetly)
Not wanting to know, but needing
...validation?
Something not given freely
Since prodigious youth.

Here's a piece of my mind
I cringingly offer for your amusement.
My self-sense, bipolar and distorted.
Here is my pride.
And here are my failures.

Here is a piece of my heart,
Though it may only seem a song,
This is the tune that runs through me.
If the tone and the timbre
Could only convey-
You would know me.

Piece by piece you would know me.

Stippled Ceiling

I lie on the floor and listen to Nina Simone
Break my already broken heart
I listen to her wail, her moan
Staring at my stippled ceiling

Her voice makes me feel a little less alone
The spinning stops and I start
Making a song of my own
Until my heart starts healing

Older

Everybody's growing up
But I'm just growing older
Never really known true love
My heart's just growing colder
I've known obsession and regret
I've had a couple friends like you.

Now it's almost Spring again
When everything begins, renews
But I have always hated Spring
For everything we lose.
With all this growing up
I keep on losing you

To the day after day after day after days
And all this growing up
Leaves less time for magic
And mythos and adventure.
I just want some mystery to remain
I hope you do too.

At Least

You make me feel such joy
And I know it's just a
Chemical reaction
But it's surging through me
I'm taking/making action
Just a bouncing faceless fan
But I know we all are
In love with at least four men.

Little Things

Under your thumb
I learn your many faces
Dragged to all these different places
Each time I think they'll change
This time for the better
I really should know better

But it's the little hopes
The little things
I cling to when I'm little

Under your thumb
I learn to have no faces
A mask of self control replaces
Fear and hate and love exchange
This time is no better
It never gets any better

It gets a little worse
The little things
Are only getting bigger

I grow more defiant
The less that I'm reliant
And your ever changing favor
Leaves nothing left to savor
And the lessons may stay
But I'll never see your faces again.

It is the little dreams
The little things
That don't keep me so little.

Blackberry Indifference

If I could bottle the moment I fell
Out of love with your skinny lovely soul
I bet it would taste like blackberry wine
And indifference.
How fickle I must be to let
All of your adoring toothy smiles
Trickle through my fingers like diamonds
While clinging to my rhinestones.

You Never Did Care

shake me up
I'll shake you off my
sleeves are meant to warm your
arms can wrap around and feel so
safe inside you
safe in your embrace
but you're not my
only lover, my only
love me, love me not
I can only take so 
much of what I say is a 
lie to me, please won't you just
say you love me even though
you speak so softly when 
you speak so gently I want to
scream obscenities at your
form a coherent thought for your
conscience is a wearisome thing and
don't be fooled by the things that I 
say that you love me when
you never did care.

*Found this in my Facebook notes of all places...which I obviously haven't paid any attention in years. I remember I used to make a lot a poems in this format (beginning a line with the ending word of the last) and felt so clever. I still do.

Growing Up

The truth is I don't get too enthused for anything anymore.
Everything is a compromise of the original intent
Weighed against the sleep debt I'll owe
and the amount of sighing I can get away with
without hating myself.
I wonder if this is growing up?

What This Is

There is something about sharing the same skin
That feels like
Something.
I don't have a word for it yet
But it feels like
You're mine and you're me
And my dreams are in your head
And there's a right kind of wrong to us
That feels like
Something.
But this is not about love.
I don't know what this is.

Vultures

I had a dream last night
We were all convened
At a church to meet and greet
And atone for all our crimes

We looked upon each other
Found no truths, no resolution
Wearing the faces of our youth
Every blink was a tactic
Every breath a war.

I have grown too tired
For these petty, pointless games
But they are always playing
With the same worn deck of cards.
Even in my dreams we are not friends
We are vultures.

We picked through the remains
Of a million conversations
Reciting our dead memories
Regurgitating dialogue

We fed upon each other
Found no peace, no satisfaction
Sharpening beaks upon the pews
Every offer a tactic
Every truce a war.

I have grown too tired
For these petty, pointless games
But they are always playing
With the same worn deck of cards.
Even in my dreams we are not friends
We are vultures.

See

I don't see what you see,
I only see a reflection.
So I don't know what you love
Or find lovely about me.
I only see a collection
Of shapes and colors and flaws.

In My Leaving

I was born holding too many worries
Bearing the guilt of all their judgments
Side cast eyes and whispers above my head
Knowing a rejection I'd yet to earn
A perilous infraction, just existing.

So in my leaving I will be empty of
All the many things others think I should carry
And haul about for the inspectors of eternity.
I will throw them all to the crowds like confetti
And leave as the child I never was in youth.

Like This

I know grief and it feels like this
Forever falling into an abyss
But it's not as dramatic as
The words used to describe it

Grief is felt in the voice no longer heard
In eyes that will never look into thine again
And all the things they held within
Hopes and plans and worlds all vanish
Because this is what those we miss are made of
Dreams and possibilities we all are made of
And then are not, and then is nothing.

Grief is feeling all the nothing left
Where everything once was whole.
I know grief and it feels like this
It feels like lack and emptiness.

Nothing

There are words
And attraction
And eyes that speak louder
And hips that collide
With precision
And lips that meet and bruise
With intent
But I feel nothing
And the words pass through me
And I see nothing in those eyes
I feel nothing from those careful hands
So softly pleading for release
Because I feel nothing.

A Heart

I have a tiny heart of quartz
Hanging from a silver chain
It's cold and smooth and nice to touch
But it doesn't do very much

I have a heart of ink
Always hanging from my sleeve
It's purple and black and pretty to see
But it's not the one inside of me.

I don't know what that heart is made of
Stone or ink for all the good it does
It doesn't lead me anywhere and
I only feel a distant sort of love.

And it's shallow beat sounds less like a drum
Than the erratic chirp of dripping faucet.
My blood, I think, runs colder than most
In a slushing muddy stream.

Or maybe it's just a normal heart
Doing an average thing.
Maybe it's my head that's numb
And too abused to care.

Beige

Cigarette on my lips
Alcohol drowned liver
When the time comes
To leave for good and ever
I don't care if I'm on
The wrong side of a needle,
Don't let me die with beige nail polish
On my fingertips.

I don't care why
I don't care when
In disgrace or utter ruin
Just
Don't let me die with beige nail polish
On my fingertips.

YesNo

As a girl
I live in a world
Wanting me to say yes.
But every yes comes with a price.
Surrounded by hands
And eyes
That want to possess me
Or worse, to rent me.
They cut you up
If you turn them down.
But I never asked
To be a possession
And I never thought
To make a price-tag
And they want it all for free anyway
But every yes comes with a price.

All my loans are in default.

Any

Though so pretty in the breaking
You are a broken creature
So desperate for the taking
And you name her like a prayer
(sad, oft spoken)
The key to all your aching.

Just the sound of it.

Any
One will do
Now.

Fever bright and without decorum
You chase something familiar
(Any, any, any)
One to curl into.
(Any, any, any)
One to hold you tight.
(Any, any, any)
One to forget that prayer.

Just the sound of it.

I Know

Some choose to live under the sun
It's warm and tanning rays
But I have shunned the shallow fun
Of living in the bright of days.
I live mine under a million suns
Farther and deader away.

I am nothing more than so much nothing
A moon might think to dream
But sometimes I do feel a distant something
A small reflected gleam.
A howling shedding shredding
Of reality's fragile seam.

Immensity you cannot know
Looking into a blue bright sky.
What the night weaves, you rip and sew
Hunched and straining weakened eyes
Chanting always "I know, I know"
As another star somewhere dies.
Oh, how I know that bright and morbid glow.

When It's Time

When it's time
To leave this cemetery
And move to the future,
I'll write my name on a tree
And leave only cigarette ash
In Memory.

And the deadline feels so close
It's almost time, it's almost time
To shut my eyes
And imagine abundance.
But I'm tethered still
And I won't move on until...

When it's time,
I'll pack my car,
Wave goodbye to my
Hometown bar,
And leave only cigarette ash
In Memory.

Never Sorry

I never have to say I'm sorry
Because you always know me
The good, the bad, the lonely
You know I'm never sorry.

So now what's done is done
But I'm not the only one
Who didn't play nice.
You didn't play nice.

And the bad in me
Feels like the good in me
And even in misery
You know I'm never sorry.

Palaver

I'm drinking and I'm talking
But I'm not saying much
Because these people they can't
Talk like you can talk
And I'd rather palaver
All night with you.

I miss you the most
When looking to conversate
Doesn't have to be big or relate
To anything other than our little world.
But I miss you the most
When invited to someone's home
To watch them on their phones.

I'd rather
Chat with a cadaver
Than see another meme.
I'd rather palaver
Just one more night
With you.

Wane

If your body should invite me in to stay
I would be a stranger anyway
Strange to all the things I have forgotten
My memories like fruit have all gone rotten
Remembered in a different way.

The light has changed since I started this collage
With eyes like embers and hearts like cups
Lines so fine our hands were the same hands
Cupping a hearth, building an empire
Of thought and sound and ambition.

Spiders build a delicate home
In the corner where that canvas now lays
(Dusty and behind a pair of shoes)
Because starting from scratch is more appealing
Than revisiting what that picture reveals.

I wander from light-bulb to flame
With the same determination
A familiar and sweet destination
That no longer exists on this plane.
I'm a stranger in a different moon's wane.

Without

You wanted me
Torn and frayed and broken.

Now I can't look at you
Without crying.

Familiar Unknown

When I look at you
You've a face I've known my whole life
But you are a stranger to me.
Your eyes the same eyes
Watching me through childhood,
But I don't know the thought behind.
Your smile like an echo
Even your hands are hands that reached for mine
Hands that held me throughout time
It's strange to know of blood so close
And feel a stolen sort of love
Because your face is so familiar.

Ritual

Trickle lightly through my hands
Tiny grains, the finest sands
Piling into time refined
In purest form of memory.
Echoing through absent mind
Love twined thread
Beat kept palms
The rhythmic pact
The tender breathing alms.
Then merciless eventuality
Of vows ripped asunder
By the weight of eternity.

Damned If You Do

We came to this room
To decide some things
Two forces I'm in between
Too young to barter
My heart and my soul
But he wanted my decision
So I told him my choice.

The lights fled the room,
The darkness prevailed.
A power filled my lungs
As the room filled with fire.
You took full control,
Burned away my soul.

Now I feel the lick,
The pain in each step,
I feel the world and
A vicious contempt.
Your voice bellows through me
Forging my heart anew.

But I won't be an agent,
A martyr for you.
I'll be free from your traps
Til I find something true.
Through sinew and struggle
I'll carve my own map

For I let go his land
For this realm of the damned.

Eyes of Fate

Change is all around
And I don't like the sound
My conscience makes when
Our lips meet and mate
And you look at me like I'm your fate.

Couldn't we just cuddle?

Sadness

If it deadens the pain,
Lets me forget your name,
I'll gladly partake
Like you took
And lose myself for a while.

And while you prepare
For new life and fresh blood,
Old wounds will fester
And crawl through my veins,
Whiskey soaked adrenaline
Devouring what you left me with.

Speaking of which,
You left me homeless
And loveless and alone
With a sadness wrapped in rage
And it's all that warms me,
All that holds me,
All that sings me to sleep
Anymore.

Evanescent

Moving on and up and out
There is no time for rhyme or reason or doubt
Because moments are meant to be trapped in the mind
And time is meant to be fast and fleeting unkind.
You and I we exist in a memory
Evanescent, transitory
Now that the years have run
Leaving us in the webs we've spun.
We are like those tears in the rain
Existing invisibly, then never again.

Razbliuto

Razbliuto in the morning
When I wake up to your text.
You think I'm going to miss you,
But I'm wondering who's next.

Who next to walk for hours with,
Who next to lie under the stars,
Who next to swing in parks at night,
Who next to close down all the bars.

Once I held a torch,
A fire, a flame, a brazier,
But now it has all gone away,
With love I have grown lazier.

Cutting

How to cut you out of my heart:

Step 1. Mark the location in which you reside
Step 2. Anesthetize
Step 3. Ready the scalpel, wield it steady
Step 4. Don't cut too deep, but be sure nothing remains
Step 5. Mark as medical waste and throw away.

If only If only I could get past Step 2.
I'd finally be rid of you.
No residual pain
After I healed again.
No vacuum left over
From your hasty retreat.
No vacuous lover
No memory ridden street.

Blessed are those who need never remember
What they try so hard to forget.
No lump in the throat or knot in the stomach
Just an instantaneous reset.

Robotic Lover

I'll be your perfect lover
You'll never find another
I'll smile nice, make you feel
Convince you it's all real.
But soon enough you'll find proof
I'm just a facsimile of the truth.

I can compute the perfect equation
To make you + me work out
But underneath this fleshy shell
I am cold hard
Calculating machine
And binary heart.

In my eyes there is emotion
You could almost believe
But Cylons were built expressly
Meant to sooth and deceive.

I am your robotic lover
I can execute all your fantasies
You will never want another
I know each and every way to please.

I'll be your love android
I'm programmed with Sigmund Freud.
He'd tell you it's all relative...
It's all my father's fault.

*Continuing the laziness of being in a creative funk, I'm posting another poem I found in an old notebook. Seems like it needs a more concrete ending, but I've got nothing. For now.

Chrysalis

You are always trying to change me,
To be my love chrysalis.
But I am not a butterfly,
And I will not rise above this.
Take me as I am or not at all.

Claustrophobic

I can't always be by your side
Your intensity makes me run and hide
I'd like some time on my own
I won't live always tethered home
To your ball and chain around my neck

I won't sit quietly in your shadow
And be your little love slave
I won't be always at your beck and call
And be your little love slave
It seems repetitive and tragic
We've lost our chemical magic
And I'm feeling rather claustrophobic
At your side.

You tell me you can't sleep without me
Soft and warm beside you every night
You say that you can't live without me
To kiss and hold you tight

You've become a little too intense
Love defying common sense
For my commitment-phobic nature

Your pleading eyes say "love me, love me"
But I don't think I can
Your every caress says "love you, love you"
I shrink away and into myself.


*Wrote this some time ago about a friend's clingy girlfriend. Found it in a notebook randomly, so decided to post it.

But

I told you I loved you
Everyday
But
There was always
An addendum
Which I regret.
But
Love is love
And I meant what I said.
I love
Your face
Your voice
The ugly things you think
And feel.
I love your faults
And your talent
And the boundless energy with which
You attack life.
But
I don't love the way you want
So all you hear is
But.

Heavenly Body

Her body itself is a song
She bends the note
She makes it float
Levitating, undulating
She wields the power
And all men cower
And long for just the name
Of her symphony, sing for me
Higher and higher
She dances on a wire
Above us all among the stars.

3 Minutes of Joy

With no skill
And only desperate enthusiasm
I lift myself from a low
With a shoulder shake
A tilted hip
A spasmic flip
and my hair flies free and wild.

As long as I keep
Moving to the beat
Stretching
Bending
A joy is welling
Swelling
Bursting
From me.

And there is no time to concentrate
Or think
Or feel
Anything but fine.

Until the music stops.

To Spew

Inebriated,
I open my mouth and say
as spew
of true
but not the way I meant
to say,
that is to say,
I may or may not have meant
what I said about you.

Did I mention I was
Inebriated?

Absence

It's surreal how
You reject me every time
From the heart of your life
Back to the bleachers,
The nosebleeds,
And everything I know of you
Becomes second-hand.

I wonder if you ever held me
In any regard
Higher than the palm of your hand.

Because I was
Always there for you
I was cliche and a fool
But I was always true
And I know that
Even my anger and spiteful words
Were less cruel than your
Absence.

When Beauty Becomes Unbearable

When beauty becomes unbearable
What keeps us teasing and wearing
Grinning and bearing
The scrutiny of ourselves
And the world that's revolving
Like a pink plastic ballerina
Inside a wooden box?

But we all need something to strive for
and we all find something beautiful to die for
A notion, an ocean, a land
what's under the sand...
So why not beauty and her gilded throne?

Every morning I twist and twirl
Painting myself into a portrait of a girl
Hiding the flaws that magnify me,
Like ants on a sidewalk
Soon in flames
Their loving claims.
I hide myself and close the lid
When beauty becomes unbearable.

Awkward Mornings

I take you home in the mornings
in my dirty silver car.
With a broken radio,
The chat is very small.
Mostly we look out the windows.

-I never know what to say.

Hours ago our lips were locked
in quite a different way
and our limbs entangled
and our breaths contented sighs.

But the light and heat of the sun
makes us into uncomfortable strangers
with awkward hands.

Rare

You made me feel something
(how rare!)
You made me feel something
and care.
Now I am on a precipice
(on the verge,
In transition)
And there's a halo around me
A sunny disposition.
You are the dream I hide away.

Things Unexplained

Why are the bees dying?
And will the flowers die too?
And if the flowers die,
What will girls look forward to
on Valentines Day,
or when they marry?
Will we make paper flowers
'til we forget what real flowers were?
And if we forget the flowers
will we also forget the bees
and what it felt like to
fear and respect their sting?

Anticipation

A build-up of
anticipation and fear
like a wet-dream
inside a nightmare.
A fascinating kind of terror
tangled with hope and inspiration.

- this is how I feel
about the future
and every glimpse of
the universe-

The sheer largeness of the concept
overwhelms and confuses
me 'til all I'm left with is
an anxiety attack.

Rubbery

Because you carry me in your eyes
And bring me to my knees,
A weak and rubbery thing,
I resist and push you away.
But I hope you find me again
When you have grown older,
I have grown wiser,
And the stars, they all align.

I LIKED THAT BAND BEFORE IT WAS COOL

Every time I think about you my stomach starts into twisting
and I feel a little nauseous.
And when I know you're wrong, my adrenaline starts kicking in and up.
I wanna tell you "you are wrong, you are dumb, you are the biggest douche,
you douche the city 'til it floods."
Maybe with more eloquent phrasing.
But even if I did, you'd somehow find a way to cut me up and down
With one dirty look,
With one thoughtless snear.
You would take me back to that year.
You would make me feel the things I felt
When I didn't hate your face.
You'd make me feel small and stupid, attention craving,
virginal, and uncool.
So I keep it all in my head, my thoughts on the matter of you.
I let my stomach twist and the adrenaline mildew.
Sometimes silence is easier than what's true.

Today

Take no more solace in the illusion of tomorrow.
There is only today.
Every day is today.

Every Star

You make me feel like
Glitter
A bright and shiny particle.
In your eyes
I sparkle
I glow.
Under your hands
I feel myself lighten
And everything grows.
Against your lips
I tighten
I thrum.
Like a drum I beat
And pulse.
I race and heat
hotter than a thousand
suns.
You make me feel like
Every star in the sky.

Sun Lies

Alone in the dark
The truth comes out
In a storyboard of whispers.
Secrets and tears
Downpour and drench.
The lies that we mold ourselves into
Fall down around us,
Remaking themselves
With the rising of the sun.

Arts and Privilege

I am not a lady
Though I know the art,
The delicate waiting
That is required.

But demure smiles were never honest enough
For my peasant mouth.

I was born free of locks and the rules
Propriety brings to rein in our desires.

I was born
Free of respectability
Free of notoriety
Free of wealth
Free of worth.

Though I know the art,
The sophisticated lying
That is required,
I am not a lady.

Turpentine

Consolation in a bottle
In a jar of turpentine.
Rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

The pools of brown blend into black
Bleed through the canvas back.
I take another sip to wash you down.

I dip my fingertip into
Yellow and I can feel the sun
Heating on my black.
Sweat mixing with the desperation in my laugh.
How many years ago was it today?

I drown you out
with a jar of turpentine
I drink you down with a bottle,
If rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

Compromise

Bending is a myth,
We're always just breaking.
Little tears in the fabric
of all that we are
re-knitting, re-forming
stronger, but flawed.
Strangers to the standards
we set when we were whole.

Above & Below

I do not like the ocean
I do not like the sea
I do not care for whales or squids
In truth they mostly terrify me.

I love the dark black sky above
I love the twinkling little lights
I keep close moons and planets orbiting
That accompany me on lonely nights.

Small and Scared

I feel like one of those
little dogs that bark and bark
but never bite.

Small and scared.

I know why they kill the night
with their bluster and their noise,
tear apart their squeaky toys.

Small and scared.

They want your eyes and ears
To disagree
Just listen and please don't see

Small and scared
Inside and out.

intricate.

intricately woven

like threads
hand
sown
   each
and
   every
one.
How to be woven
and
Sown all at once?
Morning bright colors are
So
Distracting
when your
EYES
can't seem to

focus

like a dirty lense clogging your
view
Or the
way
I long
for
you
move and unmove
me
(or something like that)
with uncountable unreachable promises that are not
spoken even through those melancholic eyes of yours. So perhaps it's all in my head...perhaps it's better that way...

That way
it's
alright that
I'm


DEAD.


Who needs drugs w/an imagination as swell as mine?
Who needs drink when you already stink with obsession so refined?
I hear the music floating....
effervescently
and
I
   F
     A
         L
       L
flailingly
arms
all
a   f   l   u   t   t   e   r
until
i
am
unerringly
back
to
my pretty little blanket world
hand sown by the good, honest, indiginous peoples of...



wherever.

BACK

I want you back
Back in my life, back in my heart
Back in my pants.
I want you back
Packing in Europe with me by your side
With me as your ride.
I want you back
the way you were, the way we were
When you had my back.

SUSPECT

Innocence is now a vanity
Pure intent or no
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect.
He swooped in
Black coat, black hood, black gloves
Hollowed out eyes
And stole my trust away.
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect
Because nothing is clear
And no one is here
To hold my hand.

MORE NOTHING

They say to be open
To life and all it's possibilities
I don't know how much more open to be
Nothing ever flies into me
Nothing ever woos or tackles me
All I've opened to is
Nothing and more nothing.
The windows are all painted shut
The doors are all locked
The keys hidden around someone's neck
Tiny metal nooses
Keeping us forever in separation.
I've tried meditation
I've tried sedation
But I only fall farther and farther in
And nothing opens
And nothing slams shut
I'm left with only the same quiet room
Full of nothing and more nothing.

AWAY

Loss is just another state
And I've named mine Away.
My great grandmother went to Away
on an extended stay
Just like my baby teeth
And my virginity.
They sit out in the sun
On sandy stretches of beach
with umbrellas in their drinks
Chatting with my socks
and earring backs.
I get postcards from Away
Always blank on the one side
And the picture is of that sandy beach
Full of all I've left behind.
My first kiss likes to make
Sandcastles with my first best friend
And my eyelashes form a conga line
With my fingernail clippings.
You are on that sandy shore
Making stiff mojitos
You pour them out and wave at me
On a postcard from Away.

RESTRAINT

Awkward like
Urine running down your leg
A family trait
Multivariate
Always slapping me with that glove
you know
Restraining orders are a
Barrier to love.

BITTER

When I'm mad at you
My world is smaller
And the hurt grows bitter
And spoils like rotten meat.
You mix with the bile in my stomach
and make me sick.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.
I won't be mad at you
Forever, it's a long time
When the hurt for you
Overturns the hurt from you
I'll return
Bearing just another open wound.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.

THE BEST I CAN (RESISTABLE MAN)

I can't be tied down to
Someone so resistable
You never made
My heart beat fast
This love of ours can't last
It never even was.
Empty of promise
Unwilling to compromise
We spent all our time together
Daydreaming of a way out
But it always seemed so
Tedious, tiresome
Finding a new home
For my books
And my heart
I never could figure
Where to start
Looking for a real romance.
Always went down
The wrong road with
The wrong man but
I'm just doing
The best I can.

STUPID

I fell in love with you the day you left
You couldn't have loved me less.
You used up all the stores
Saved those lonely years.
Threw them all away on me.

Love is just another word for stupid.
"I fell in stupid with you"
"You are the stupid of my life"
Are just a few examples of
How stupid stands for love.

And Momma was right when she said
Beware, the poor man who falls for you.
And Momma was right when she said
Hard hearts break more thoroughly.
And Momma was right about a lot of things,
Including you.

BLONDES ARE MORE FUN

If you leave me alone
I'll know you care
Because I can't stand
Your long blonde hair.
It glints and gleams
Under the sun
like bright angelic
Unearthly fun.
My hair is dark
Thick and brown
like my face
it seems to frown
And curl away from
The golden glare
Of your insouciant
long blonde hair.

GROWING

Like branches of the same tree
We started out together
But the years grew us apart
You reached out and up
To flourish in the sun
While I hung back
settled in the shade
Of the many other branches nearby.
Though we both weathered
Winters and storms
But a few feet apart
The distance hurts like continents of space
And your fruit drops large and sweet
While mine remains hard and tart
Throughout the summers unyielding heat.
And I would never begrudge
The way you thrive
Because despite my shady past
I've managed to stay alive.

LONGING

Searching the room for your face in the crowd
Will I ever stop looking
Will I ever stop hoping
Your eyes will catch mine and their depths will hold joy
Instead of indifference?

INSIDE

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who's the fairest of them all?"
"Not you," says he.
"Not I," says me.
"But alas," he replied
"No shame to hide,
We are all pink inside."

FULL (MUCH TOO FULL)

Everything is full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Alcohol and laughter on their lips
a vulgar, empty need in their eyes.
I am taken in by that need.
I am taken in by that emptiness.
To be so blank
If only for a night
Is bliss unknown.
My mind is always full
Of brooding, long lost rooms
Orange tinted like old photographs
Of sunny days.
His lips, hard and moistened on mine
His eyes closed and careless -
I drink him like a beverage with mine.
If only for a night
This bliss is mine.
Tomorrow I will open
My eyes one by one.
Tomorrow thought will return
With the chirp of birds and sun.
And everything will be full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Once again.

LONELINESS AS A SOUND

I sound lonely?
How does loneliness sound?
Especially in the absence of sound
(You have only text to go by).

I would imagine it sounds pretty quiet.

But just because you got yourself a honey,
Don't presume it's any sort of antidote
For the loneliness in me.

Significant others don't do a thing.
Only I can determine my happiness of self
and I have decided to remain
unhappy and alone.

MOSTLY

A simple frustration
Mostly about control
And lack
And loss
And a love for a concept
For a construct of flesh
And blood
And bone
How many restless nights
Full of troubled dreams
Of you
Of me
And the silences in between.

I MISS YOU

The breeze becomes an echo of a whisper in my ear
when your voice is all I want to hear,
and it almost makes sense
if I listen hard enough.

If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
beneath the dirt, the cement, the cloth that covers your cold dead flesh.
If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
and how it doesn't beat.

I miss you when the sun shines down arrogantly. I miss you when the stars are bright and the moon smiles leeringly. I miss you when the snow dances dizzily down to the earth. I miss you when the rain taps pleadingly at my window. I miss you now, my eyelids heavy with sleep.

If I close my eyes, I can almost believe you're still here.
If I listen hard enough, I can almost
Forget
You're gone.

I miss you.

Behind The Mask

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

Your wings don't fool me
Your halo is slipping
I see behind the mask,
The angelic front
You are just a man
A man I don't wanna know.

Though you offer redemption
Though you promise salvation
The blood on your palms
looks like paint to me
You are just a man
And I'm not satisfied

Cuz I know where to find salvation
I know how to make it right
I know what to do with my devotion
But it is not your Christ.

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

SHADES OF THE FALL

I've had a few moments to
Collect myself
I've had a few years to gain
Some mental health
And I should be all better
But I should've known better

Because around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated.

I've had a few years to gain perspective
It's been a few times I've been rejected
I should be used to how this feels
But sunburnt skin often peels

And around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated

But you never saw me
No you never saw me
When I spent all my summers obsessing over you
I spent all my winters obsessing over you
I spent all my springs in love with you
And all I've left is the fall

All I am is the fall
-I am falling, I have fallen-
Because first kisses don't mean
"I love you"
And second base doesn't mean
"I'll hold you forever"
But in the end you know
I lied
When I said I have
Never cried

Over you.

NEVER GO BACK

Don't know why I let you use me like you did
Don't know why I forgave what I shouldn't forgive
Couldn't say why I let you abuse my heart
Didn't know why from the very start.

The rain is cool as it falls over me
Washes the pain into the sea
Soothes my aches with it's pitter patter
Cleanses my soul of it's guilty chatter

If wishes were roses, I'd have a garden
If kisses were jailtime, I'd have a pardon
If bruises were badges, I'd have the prize
If ruses were honest, well I'd tell no lies

If I had a brain when we first met
Would've held back my heart and used my head
Told you that I would rather be dead
Than let you abuse me like you did.

Take back all those things you said
Take back all the hurt you dealt
Give me back my legs to stand
Give me back those things I felt

Cuz I'm ready to face the day
I'm ready to walk away
And never look back,
Never go back.

HELL I KNOW

Fingers in my brain
I can't survive this lifeless terrain.
Mountains of screaming devils,
Eyeless they scent my tender flesh.

Screaming, screaming, eternal torment.
Burning, scorching, torture's not silent.
Fire, brimstone, feel the hungry lick.
Gently cradle a mind turned sick.

Every day, every hour
More and more I feel it's power
So deceptive, slowly creeping
In my brain while I am sleeping
Captivating, watch me fading
Faster, faster, watch me fall.

And I am at the mercy
Of creatures who don't see me
They smell my desperation
And know I've lost my way
Who'll come to save the day?
This damsel can't help herself.

SHOW & TELL

Frozen heart, you think of me
Like I don't feel, I don't grieve.
Because my eyes remain so dry
You think I have no tears to cry.

But life is not a simple thing,
He haunts me still within my dreams.
I live my life in love with death
And he the one without a breath
Took it all away in one vacant stare.
How can you say that I don't care?

If I wail and if I weep,
Toss and turn within my sleep,
Would my grief be more bonafide
Than if I'd kept it all inside?

But grief is not a simple thing,
Instead of tears I laugh and sing.
There is comedy in death
And you're the one wasting breath
Trying to decode my stare,
Telling me that I don't care.

Who the hell are you
That you know me so well?
Try to understand
We don't all like to show & tell.

THERE IS TIME

There is time to explore
The criminal impulses
That you feel in your gut
When you don't ignore the voices

Just take your time, boy
Draw a line, boy
Pick the side that you won't cross
Just take the time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross

And don't cross the spear that bleeds you
Thank the nails that hold you up
For they absolve you of your sins
And make you purer than a little lamb.

Pain is simple to inflict,
Mercy needs a bigger stick.
Flaggelation is salvation
Not one need accuse you now.

There is time to make amends...

There is time, boy
Make amends, boy
To the ones that you have crossed
There is time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross...

Walking Dead

We couldn't run anymore
We were too tired and sore
You sacrificed yourself so I could live
Gave all that you could give
But I can't go on
Now that you've gone...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It was love from the start
Couldn't tear us apart
Killing zombies through the endless night
We were the life of the fight
We were the perfect pair
And it's just not fair!

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It's just not the same without you
The laughs we had were too few
And more than your sharpshooting skills I miss
Your warm embrace and your kiss...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

COME AND GO

My body is a convenience store
Take what you want, walk out the door
Pump your fuel, drive away
Come and Go, don't dare stay
Don't loiter, don't linger
I'll give you the finger
Show you the door
When you say you want more
Thankyou for the lay
Have a nice day...

PURGATORY

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

Your girlfriend knows you love me more.
I think it shows, this love, this core.

What's the matter with me?
I can't give, not fully.
I can love, but not wholly.

We do nothing but laugh all night
Because best friends should never fight
or love too much.
Not wholly, not fully.
Not you and not me.

I love you more, I think you know
this love, this core's not safe to show.

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

BLOOMING

The labor of your love is
blooming all around
my hips
my thighs
my swollen lips.
With soft cries you announce
the deed is done
golden thread
spun through my degradation.

EVERY WORD

I have never
and would never,
but with you I try so hard
in every glance,
every word,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
There is no rhyme or reason,
there is only this demon.
There is only this filofax of ruin,
a contact list of despair,
and I can't look, I can't seek,
I can't find
anyone who compares to you
because you are my ruin, my desolation.
You make of me nothing
and you fill me with everything
and all the stars in the sky
are dim in comparison,
and it's you.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I try so hard to hide it,
but with every word,
with every glance
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Every word is I love you.

COMING

Serendipidous rush -
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Rumbling reverberation
at her core.
A rhythmic
circling flush
in the atoms of her very being.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Her body is a track,
His message a transit,
Her heart a tunnel
through which he will pass.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming -
Inevitable crash.

SUBSERVIENCE

I kneeled at your feet
and bathed them with the silk
sun-split ends of my hair
and the salty sweetness
of my tears.

I kneeled at your feet
-subservient to-
for love.

And you
patted my head, sent me away.
And you
-whom I ws subservient to-
Threw stones at me, kicked me away.

And I
watched you thin,
your flesh, your hair,
the color from your eyes,
I watched them grow dim.

And I,
with grim humor
laughed at your demise,
the failure of your romance,
and washed my hair
free of your soil(soot, filth).

JUST FORGET

Do you feel like I
Abandoned you, like your father
Do you? Yeah do you?

Do I make you cry
On lonely nights when stars won't shine
Do I? Oh do I?

Do I make you feel sad
Do I remind you of...

Do you wish you'd never met me way back when?
Does the memory of me hurt you inside?
Do you wish you could hide?
Curl up and just forget.
Curl up and just forget you met me
Way back when.

Do you feel like I
Left you there high and so dry?
Do you? Yeah do you?

Do I remind you
Of quiet nights on swinging chairs
Do I? Oh do I?

Do I make you feel sad
Do I remind you of...

Do you wish you'd never met me way back when?
Does the memory of me hurt you inside?
Do you wish you could hide?
Curl up and just forget.
Curl up and just forget you met me.

I'm sorry you
I never meant you no harm
I'm just a little fucked up myself
Ya know

I'm sorry you
I never meant you no harm
I'm just a little fucked up myself
Ya know

So curl up and just forget
Curl up and just forget you met me.
Curl up...yeah curl up.
Just forget way back when.

STARS AND DIRT

You turn to me (you turn to me)
your wings a leathery black
you turn to me (you turn and say)
and say
"Look not to the skies for salvation,
Look not to the skies
in fear of damnation,
Look to the north
look east, west, south...
but don't look up and don't look down
for all you'll see are stars and dirt"
Don't look down when you jump.
"My love looked down once, long ago"
said his dog-headed companion,
"she fell and drowned in an abyss of tortured
souls, and light too bright for her poor eyes
to filter. She died blind and deaf to the cries that matter."
I don't know what any of this has to do with me.
I am only hear to record, to see
when the world ends, I want to watch
as it burns, a dying star,
a decaying, hungry thing, this earth.
I want to watch the world turn to nothing.
I want it to look like what it really is.

Recycled Tears

You are the cold, the wet sliding feeling
the pattering, ever gentle rolling down my flesh
you are that insistent nuzzle,
the hardening state you put me in
is the same as the
drip drip
falling incandescent life
Recycled tears.
What is in a tear?
What brings forth the saltwater
drip drip
falling incandescent death
Recycled fears?
You roll down my spine, the arch in my back
can it now define
the divine?
You are the cold, the wet sliding feeling
the pattering, ever gentle rolling down my flesh
you are that insistent nuzzle,
the hardening state you put me in
is the same as the
drip drip
falling incandescent life
Recycled tears.

AN INTERLUDE WITH DEATH

What do you say to Death when he's standing beside you,
his bony, time worn hand stretched beseechingly toward you?
The gesture is almost comforting,
almost gentle.
The pleading of a lover, the insistence of a friend.
Do you tell him "No, not today,"
Do you tell him "Never, go away!"?
Can one evade Death like taxes or the Dentist?
Where would we be without an end?
The story would just never stop...
what a bore!
Death stood at my shoulder the other day
whispering sweet somethings in my ear.
They weren't words that one could hear, but I felt them loud and clear.
Death said to me, he said,
"Happiness, erase the sadness with my embrace,"
Death sang, "Come, end this pointless race...
come with me and we shall dance.
We shalll dance among the stars
We shall dance beneath the seas
We shall dance beyond it all and back again."
What do you say to an offer like that?
What do you say to Death when he's standing beside you,
his bony, time-worn hand stretched beseechingly toward you?
Can one just say "NO" to his tender caress?
Well, I shook my head, sorrow deep in my voice
I said, "I can't right now, but soon, someday soon we shall dance."
Death kissed me regretfully on the mouth
and that is why the complacent always flee from my words.
My love returns to me someday, to take me close and far away
He comes for you also,
so dress nicely, and practice your waltz.

VACANCY

sometimes I lie on the dirt
your dirt
with the tiny blades of grass scratching at my arms
tickling my nose
the bugs climbing my arms
wandering in my hair
the wind whispering at my ear
I dream that I've sunken
down to you
past the six feet of dirt
through the cement
through your wooden, silk lined cradle.
I dream of sleeping safely
within your arms.
you are long dead, but it comforts me still.
you are dead, but you are mine.
is it possible for the living to haunt the dead?
i sit upon your gravesone and feel like a ghost,
i listen to the breeze
groan with the trees
i'm always near at night.
i think perhaps your soul,
that tenacious ever charcoal thing
has vacated the premises
...so i haunt your grave in your absence.
sometimes as i sit under those cold, impartial stars,
that mysterious orb named Moon,
i imagine a great wolf attacking from the shadows.
could it be Anubis,
that dog-headed underworld god?
"GO AWAY," says the Wind,
or when the Wind's at play
does it rather mean, "STAY"?
you haunt my memory, my tumultously intangible dreams,
but who's the real ghost,
you or me?

NOTHING = EVERYTHING

I am everything that makes the soul wish to die.
I am loneliness, remorse, disappointment, depression, disillusionment, the unforgivable lie.
I am everything that can kindle and oppress.
I am art, I am pasion, I am unbridled love, and distress.
I am the very embodiment of the unfettered caress.
I will love you and I will scorn you
I will praise and I will mourn you
I will teach and I will learn
I will make you shiver and burn
I am everything you'll ever need, but I am nothing.
I am the void in your soul.
I am the silence, the gaping hole in-between conversations, the gnawing sense of unfinished business.
I am everything that makes the soul wish to die, and I will haunt you when you are dead.

THE IDEALISTIC DRUNK

will I ever recover my
uninhibited dreams?
can childhood fantasies revisit the soul
when it's dark and filled with tar and hate?
I want to live the life unheard of
I want to be known and adored
love me love me love me
DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME
flashing signs, ringing in my ears
dizzy tumult of sound and oppressive
ADULT.
Space...
why can't I transgress one more time
i just want one more kiss
bliss is just an illusion
a simple dream to comfort the idealistic retards
like cotton candy
cupcakes
chocolate milk
pie
kitten cats
just another lie to keep the masses
-DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME-
the ringing in my ears...
If you could be another person
If you could live another life
Who would you be, what would you do,
and why can't it be you now?