Present Company

Was there a before?
I can only feel the after.

Rich White Man

Preconceived notions

Thoughtless oceans

Inhumanity we swim

Everything we doubt within

Is without doubt, a sin

Against the human ego's fall

The rich white man within us all.

Fickle Friend

I think you put on different faces

For the different people in your life.

I think you hate the things

You love about yourself.

I think you can be a brilliant clown 

And a shitty fickle friend.

Anyway, I miss you, Asshole.
When do you come to town again?

Phoenix

Like a phoenix I will rise

From the ashes of this life

Tonight I have gone lower

Than I ever thought I would

All that's left to do is

Burn myself alive

And live again.

Belief

I believe in reinvention
I believe in best intention
I believe in breaking convention
But I don't believe in you.

Leftovers

Let me borrow some love

Some warmth

Some tenderness

Or call me a thief

Stealing in the night

What I need to survive.

Just the little bits

You don't need, won't miss,

Just your leftover love

While I sit here and bleed.

Weirdo

I was just a weirdo
Just a silly sullen girl
And he was just the sun
The moon, and all the stars.
But now he's gone
And I'm still here
And after all these years
I think I might be fine.

Saturday, 4 A.M.

It's 4 A.M. on a Saturday,
Obviously I'm drunk.
That doesn't mean I like you
Any less.

I'm texting you because
You never text me first,
And at 4 A.M. I'm drunk
And hopeful.

But I'm getting nowhere,
You barely text back.
You can only think to ask
"Are you drunk?"

Well if I wasn't drunk
Then I'd want to be,
Your response isn't inspiring.
I give up.

I Don't Want You

You don't think you're too old

You don't think you're too weird

You don't think you're too bald

You don't even trim your beard

But you want me want me want me

You don't think you're too broke

You don't think you're too drunk

You don't think you're too much

You don't even have a job

But you want me want me want me

I don't think I'm too pretty

I don't think I'm too good

I don't think I'm too smart

I don't even have heath care

But I don't want you want you want you

Please

I have a cautious, guarded heart
It is so easily torn apart
So if I let down my walls
Hand you all the tools
All the deadly weaponry
You might need to destroy me
...please don't.

I want to believe your eyes
And the words you whisper
Between my thighs
So if I lay it all bare
If I give you all the keys
To bring me to my knees
...please don't.

All I can do is ask,
All I can do is plead.

Please let me believe in love
Please let it all be true
Please let me be in love with you.

Eyes Shut

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear

Tell me everything you hope, you hate, you fear

I want to crawl inside and analyze

On top, jaw drop, all lies stop

You can be my salvation

Dirty little desecration

Soul rotting desiccation

I'll sew your eyes shut to any other kind of love.

Ballad of a Slut

I just want a boy to fuck when I'm drunk

Hold me close and smell my hair

Tell me that I'm funny and smart

Not bare me his whole damn heart.

I just want a boy to screw when I'm blue

Something warm to hold on to

Not too pretty and not too bright

Just some company for a night.

If that's you then come on down

I'll be out on the town

Drinking swill and poking fun

Maybe you could be the one...

Nah.

I just want a girl to fuck when I'm drunk

Kiss me soft and make me bold

Tell me that I'm sharp as a knife

Not share me her whole damn life.

I just want a girl to bone when I'm stoned

Lie through her teeth and bend the knee

Flatter me with bedroom eyes

Loud exclaims and short goodbyes.

If that's you then come on down

I'll be out on the town

Drinking swill and poking fun

Maybe you could be the one...

Nah.

If you're looking for a girl

For a whole new world...

Look elsewhere, Hon!

I'm just looking for some fun!

Heartbroken

I'm gonna color my hair

Buy some new underwear

Listen to a different music genre

Because my soul is restless

And my heart is broken.

Someone (quick!)

Get me out of this drama.

Write me a new song

Direct a better life

Bring me a big bong

And a cheap sweet wine

To mend this heart of mine.

I'm gonna go out tonight 

And maybe start a fight

Or dance it out with tequila shots

Because my soul is restless 

And my heart is broken.

Someone (quick!)

Let me out of this drama.

Write me a new song

Direct a better life

Bring me a big bong

And a cheap sweet wine

To mend this heart of mine.

To mend this heart of mine

Let's do another line...

To mend this heart of mine.

Just Kids

Try to remember

We were just kids

Everything new and

Unprepared for.

No sage advice

Or everlasting love

Our brains were trained

By Scantron tests

And movie dialogue.

The lyrics to

Our favorite songs

Only did us wrong

Because we didn't understand.

After 2 A.M.

When it rains it pours

If it were up to him

I'd be on all fours.

He came over cuz he wanted to fuck

Bored and drunk and just my luck

I used to love this boy who sucks

He came over cuz he wanted to fuck.

When the flood gates rise

He wants to be drenched

To his devil eyes.

He came over cuz he wanted to fuck

Bored and drunk and out of luck

I used to love this boy who sucks

He came over cuz he wanted to fuck.

Nothing good happens

After 2 A.M.

Only the absurd.

I Wish

I wish I could be nice
Like everyone else.
I wish I understood
When people say things.

I wish I could be mean
Like everyone else.
I wish they understood
When I don't say things.

I wish I could be close
Instead of closed.
I wish I could be most
Instead of almost.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

Rose

I'm so in love
With the shape of you
Around and around
You swirl.

I'm so in love
With your deep color
Bursting carotid
So red.

So new
I wanna look at you
All day
And rest my hand on
All night
The way you gleam
At me.

You were worth waiting for.
You were worth waiting for.
So worth waiting for.

Cons

I'm bad at drugs

I never lie

I often wish that I would die

I'm always late

I can't commit

And I'm a lazy screw.

I don't cook

I barely clean

Exaggerate what I have seen

I'm a narcissist

And I can't resist

A good old reminisce.

I'm a godless heathen

I don't stray from

What I believe in.

I talk too much and

When I have nothing good to say

I'll say it anyway.

I'm a fixer not a listener

I'm a smoker not

A fucking quitter.

I'm a hypocrite

But I'm cool with it

I meant it at the time.

But won't you love me anyway

Tell me that I'll be okay

Someone else can surely see

That's not all there is to me.

Although my cons outweigh my prose

I'm more than just a list.

Web M.D.

I could just be scaring myself late at night
But instead of monsters, it's illness.
Every cursor click, I'm further
Down the rabbit hole.
Every symptom a tarot card,
An astrological reading.
But this doesn't feel like a scary story
Fit for everyone.
It feels like
Past present future
Truth.
Turns out I'm already
Dead.

Heavy

Heavy

Everything you lost weighs
More than you could have guessed
In your chest.

Heavy

Don't drop your burdens
They break into more cargo
To carry.

Heavy

Labor for your pains
Just ignore the feelings until
They're buried.

Get Off

I'm not part of the landscape
I'm a visitor in this topography
I'm just trying to smoke a cigarette
So kindly get off me.

I know I shouldn't discriminate
I know ugly is just a label
But you freak me out
So fucking get off me.

Fly away to something brighter
Crawl back to whatever hell you're from
Get away from my face, out of my hair
Just fucking get off me.

Happy Birthday

Clouds like cotton balls
In a baby blue sky.
The sun touches down to
Rolling green fields,
Row by row intersected by
The roads I'm traveling,
And small crumbling towns
That feel like home.

Silence

There is no silence if you listen.

Inside, the machines hum,
And the fans whir,
And water burbles through a pipe
Somewhere.

Outside, the lights have a whine,
And the crickets keen,
And a dog howls in the distance.
Trucks rush by in their hurry
So even the wind has something to add
-Whoosh.

Loudest of all are the thoughts
That scream and wail
With toddler-like enthusiasm
Inside of my head.
Persistent, relentless.

All I want is silence.

Shit Head

Never had much luck
With men named Matt
Last one told me he liked
That I didn't have a cat
What kind of fucking shit head
Says a thing like that?

First time I got drunk
I was fingered by a Matt
His nails were too long
And after all of that
Sobering hanky panky
It hurt when I sat.

My first crush was
A boy named Matt
Pummeling him lovingly
With my stuffed cat
I should've known by his whines
That's not where love was at.

A rose by any other name...
Well, it's not a fucking Matt.

Smile

Smile, Sweetie
Ugly is offensive
If you have an opinion
I'll get defensive
Your body is art
I want to own
You smiled at me
Won't leave you alone
Sleep with me
But don't be a slut
If you dress provocative
I'll slap that butt
If you should object
You're an upright prude
Try to reject me
Well that's just rude.

That Other Winged Thing

Cigarettes and coffee
Orange juice for the tears.
We puff and puff and pass
But this feeling never lasts.
Instead of circling together,
We threw secrets like stones
And tore apart a body,
A remembrance,
Feathers everywhere,
And flew our separate ways.

Closure

Things will never be the same
And if this feeling had a name
I might be closer
To something like closure
But I've never been one
To close doors or memories or pain.
And I'm always leaving lights on
In the car and the house, in my brain.
If ever you should return to me,
You'll let that guide you through
The cold, the dark, the rain.
I might let you stay to explain,
But things will never be the same.

Dirty Talk

Pretty boy, you're throwing joy
Around like birthday confetti.
You are marmalade in my mouth
Too sweet to eat every day.
You are a house full of Xmas lights
And I can't wait to turn you on
Then take you down and
Put you in a box in the attic.
You always say such pretty words
To me and all the other girls
But I can't give you any dirty talk
My hips say more than my lips can
And yours isn't the biggest cock,
But it really has grown on me.

Pretty boy, the lights are low
The music is jumping in my chest.
You are the brightest thing in the room
Looking directly at you hurts.
And the feel of you so soft against me
Saying such pretty dirty nothings
Nothing I haven't heard before
But still quite fun to hear in the moment.
You are a ball pit and a bouncy house,
So much fun if only I were younger
But I am a shark tank full of hunger
And you are bleeding every time.
You know I won't do dirty talk,
When you are dirty poetry.