AWAY

Loss is just another state
And I've named mine Away.
My great grandmother went to Away
on an extended stay
Just like my baby teeth
And my virginity.
They sit out in the sun
On sandy stretches of beach
with umbrellas in their drinks
Chatting with my socks
and earring backs.
I get postcards from Away
Always blank on the one side
And the picture is of that sandy beach
Full of all I've left behind.
My first kiss likes to make
Sandcastles with my first best friend
And my eyelashes form a conga line
With my fingernail clippings.
You are on that sandy shore
Making stiff mojitos
You pour them out and wave at me
On a postcard from Away.

RESTRAINT

Awkward like
Urine running down your leg
A family trait
Multivariate
Always slapping me with that glove
you know
Restraining orders are a
Barrier to love.

BITTER

When I'm mad at you
My world is smaller
And the hurt grows bitter
And spoils like rotten meat.
You mix with the bile in my stomach
and make me sick.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.
I won't be mad at you
Forever, it's a long time
When the hurt for you
Overturns the hurt from you
I'll return
Bearing just another open wound.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.

THE BEST I CAN (RESISTABLE MAN)

I can't be tied down to
Someone so resistable
You never made
My heart beat fast
This love of ours can't last
It never even was.
Empty of promise
Unwilling to compromise
We spent all our time together
Daydreaming of a way out
But it always seemed so
Tedious, tiresome
Finding a new home
For my books
And my heart
I never could figure
Where to start
Looking for a real romance.
Always went down
The wrong road with
The wrong man but
I'm just doing
The best I can.

STUPID

I fell in love with you the day you left
You couldn't have loved me less.
You used up all the stores
Saved those lonely years.
Threw them all away on me.

Love is just another word for stupid.
"I fell in stupid with you"
"You are the stupid of my life"
Are just a few examples of
How stupid stands for love.

And Momma was right when she said
Beware, the poor man who falls for you.
And Momma was right when she said
Hard hearts break more thoroughly.
And Momma was right about a lot of things,
Including you.

BLONDES ARE MORE FUN

If you leave me alone
I'll know you care
Because I can't stand
Your long blonde hair.
It glints and gleams
Under the sun
like bright angelic
Unearthly fun.
My hair is dark
Thick and brown
like my face
it seems to frown
And curl away from
The golden glare
Of your insouciant
long blonde hair.

GROWING

Like branches of the same tree
We started out together
But the years grew us apart
You reached out and up
To flourish in the sun
While I hung back
settled in the shade
Of the many other branches nearby.
Though we both weathered
Winters and storms
But a few feet apart
The distance hurts like continents of space
And your fruit drops large and sweet
While mine remains hard and tart
Throughout the summers unyielding heat.
And I would never begrudge
The way you thrive
Because despite my shady past
I've managed to stay alive.

LONGING

Searching the room for your face in the crowd
Will I ever stop looking
Will I ever stop hoping
Your eyes will catch mine and their depths will hold joy
Instead of indifference?

INSIDE

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who's the fairest of them all?"
"Not you," says he.
"Not I," says me.
"But alas," he replied
"No shame to hide,
We are all pink inside."

FULL (MUCH TOO FULL)

Everything is full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Alcohol and laughter on their lips
a vulgar, empty need in their eyes.
I am taken in by that need.
I am taken in by that emptiness.
To be so blank
If only for a night
Is bliss unknown.
My mind is always full
Of brooding, long lost rooms
Orange tinted like old photographs
Of sunny days.
His lips, hard and moistened on mine
His eyes closed and careless -
I drink him like a beverage with mine.
If only for a night
This bliss is mine.
Tomorrow I will open
My eyes one by one.
Tomorrow thought will return
With the chirp of birds and sun.
And everything will be full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Once again.

LONELINESS AS A SOUND

I sound lonely?
How does loneliness sound?
Especially in the absence of sound
(You have only text to go by).

I would imagine it sounds pretty quiet.

But just because you got yourself a honey,
Don't presume it's any sort of antidote
For the loneliness in me.

Significant others don't do a thing.
Only I can determine my happiness of self
and I have decided to remain
unhappy and alone.

MOSTLY

A simple frustration
Mostly about control
And lack
And loss
And a love for a concept
For a construct of flesh
And blood
And bone
How many restless nights
Full of troubled dreams
Of you
Of me
And the silences in between.

I MISS YOU

The breeze becomes an echo of a whisper in my ear
when your voice is all I want to hear,
and it almost makes sense
if I listen hard enough.

If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
beneath the dirt, the cement, the cloth that covers your cold dead flesh.
If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
and how it doesn't beat.

I miss you when the sun shines down arrogantly. I miss you when the stars are bright and the moon smiles leeringly. I miss you when the snow dances dizzily down to the earth. I miss you when the rain taps pleadingly at my window. I miss you now, my eyelids heavy with sleep.

If I close my eyes, I can almost believe you're still here.
If I listen hard enough, I can almost
Forget
You're gone.

I miss you.

Behind The Mask

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

Your wings don't fool me
Your halo is slipping
I see behind the mask,
The angelic front
You are just a man
A man I don't wanna know.

Though you offer redemption
Though you promise salvation
The blood on your palms
looks like paint to me
You are just a man
And I'm not satisfied

Cuz I know where to find salvation
I know how to make it right
I know what to do with my devotion
But it is not your Christ.

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

SHADES OF THE FALL

I've had a few moments to
Collect myself
I've had a few years to gain
Some mental health
And I should be all better
But I should've known better

Because around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated.

I've had a few years to gain perspective
It's been a few times I've been rejected
I should be used to how this feels
But sunburnt skin often peels

And around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated

But you never saw me
No you never saw me
When I spent all my summers obsessing over you
I spent all my winters obsessing over you
I spent all my springs in love with you
And all I've left is the fall

All I am is the fall
-I am falling, I have fallen-
Because first kisses don't mean
"I love you"
And second base doesn't mean
"I'll hold you forever"
But in the end you know
I lied
When I said I have
Never cried

Over you.

NEVER GO BACK

Don't know why I let you use me like you did
Don't know why I forgave what I shouldn't forgive
Couldn't say why I let you abuse my heart
Didn't know why from the very start.

The rain is cool as it falls over me
Washes the pain into the sea
Soothes my aches with it's pitter patter
Cleanses my soul of it's guilty chatter

If wishes were roses, I'd have a garden
If kisses were jailtime, I'd have a pardon
If bruises were badges, I'd have the prize
If ruses were honest, well I'd tell no lies

If I had a brain when we first met
Would've held back my heart and used my head
Told you that I would rather be dead
Than let you abuse me like you did.

Take back all those things you said
Take back all the hurt you dealt
Give me back my legs to stand
Give me back those things I felt

Cuz I'm ready to face the day
I'm ready to walk away
And never look back,
Never go back.

HELL I KNOW

Fingers in my brain
I can't survive this lifeless terrain.
Mountains of screaming devils,
Eyeless they scent my tender flesh.

Screaming, screaming, eternal torment.
Burning, scorching, torture's not silent.
Fire, brimstone, feel the hungry lick.
Gently cradle a mind turned sick.

Every day, every hour
More and more I feel it's power
So deceptive, slowly creeping
In my brain while I am sleeping
Captivating, watch me fading
Faster, faster, watch me fall.

And I am at the mercy
Of creatures who don't see me
They smell my desperation
And know I've lost my way
Who'll come to save the day?
This damsel can't help herself.

SHOW & TELL

Frozen heart, you think of me
Like I don't feel, I don't grieve.
Because my eyes remain so dry
You think I have no tears to cry.

But life is not a simple thing,
He haunts me still within my dreams.
I live my life in love with death
And he the one without a breath
Took it all away in one vacant stare.
How can you say that I don't care?

If I wail and if I weep,
Toss and turn within my sleep,
Would my grief be more bonafide
Than if I'd kept it all inside?

But grief is not a simple thing,
Instead of tears I laugh and sing.
There is comedy in death
And you're the one wasting breath
Trying to decode my stare,
Telling me that I don't care.

Who the hell are you
That you know me so well?
Try to understand
We don't all like to show & tell.

THERE IS TIME

There is time to explore
The criminal impulses
That you feel in your gut
When you don't ignore the voices

Just take your time, boy
Draw a line, boy
Pick the side that you won't cross
Just take the time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross

And don't cross the spear that bleeds you
Thank the nails that hold you up
For they absolve you of your sins
And make you purer than a little lamb.

Pain is simple to inflict,
Mercy needs a bigger stick.
Flaggelation is salvation
Not one need accuse you now.

There is time to make amends...

There is time, boy
Make amends, boy
To the ones that you have crossed
There is time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross...

Walking Dead

We couldn't run anymore
We were too tired and sore
You sacrificed yourself so I could live
Gave all that you could give
But I can't go on
Now that you've gone...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It was love from the start
Couldn't tear us apart
Killing zombies through the endless night
We were the life of the fight
We were the perfect pair
And it's just not fair!

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It's just not the same without you
The laughs we had were too few
And more than your sharpshooting skills I miss
Your warm embrace and your kiss...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

COME AND GO

My body is a convenience store
Take what you want, walk out the door
Pump your fuel, drive away
Come and Go, don't dare stay
Don't loiter, don't linger
I'll give you the finger
Show you the door
When you say you want more
Thankyou for the lay
Have a nice day...

PURGATORY

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

Your girlfriend knows you love me more.
I think it shows, this love, this core.

What's the matter with me?
I can't give, not fully.
I can love, but not wholly.

We do nothing but laugh all night
Because best friends should never fight
or love too much.
Not wholly, not fully.
Not you and not me.

I love you more, I think you know
this love, this core's not safe to show.

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

BLOOMING

The labor of your love is
blooming all around
my hips
my thighs
my swollen lips.
With soft cries you announce
the deed is done
golden thread
spun through my degradation.

EVERY WORD

I have never
and would never,
but with you I try so hard
in every glance,
every word,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
There is no rhyme or reason,
there is only this demon.
There is only this filofax of ruin,
a contact list of despair,
and I can't look, I can't seek,
I can't find
anyone who compares to you
because you are my ruin, my desolation.
You make of me nothing
and you fill me with everything
and all the stars in the sky
are dim in comparison,
and it's you.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I try so hard to hide it,
but with every word,
with every glance
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Every word is I love you.

COMING

Serendipidous rush -
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Rumbling reverberation
at her core.
A rhythmic
circling flush
in the atoms of her very being.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Her body is a track,
His message a transit,
Her heart a tunnel
through which he will pass.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming -
Inevitable crash.

SUBSERVIENCE

I kneeled at your feet
and bathed them with the silk
sun-split ends of my hair
and the salty sweetness
of my tears.

I kneeled at your feet
-subservient to-
for love.

And you
patted my head, sent me away.
And you
-whom I ws subservient to-
Threw stones at me, kicked me away.

And I
watched you thin,
your flesh, your hair,
the color from your eyes,
I watched them grow dim.

And I,
with grim humor
laughed at your demise,
the failure of your romance,
and washed my hair
free of your soil(soot, filth).