Cutting

How to cut you out of my heart:

Step 1. Mark the location in which you reside
Step 2. Anesthetize
Step 3. Ready the scalpel, wield it steady
Step 4. Don't cut too deep, but be sure nothing remains
Step 5. Mark as medical waste and throw away.

If only If only I could get past Step 2.
I'd finally be rid of you.
No residual pain
After I healed again.
No vacuum left over
From your hasty retreat.
No vacuous lover
No memory ridden street.

Blessed are those who need never remember
What they try so hard to forget.
No lump in the throat or knot in the stomach
Just an instantaneous reset.

Robotic Lover

I'll be your perfect lover
You'll never find another
I'll smile nice, make you feel
Convince you it's all real.
But soon enough you'll find proof
I'm just a facsimile of the truth.

I can compute the perfect equation
To make you + me work out
But underneath this fleshy shell
I am cold hard
Calculating machine
And binary heart.

In my eyes there is emotion
You could almost believe
But Cylons were built expressly
Meant to sooth and deceive.

I am your robotic lover
I can execute all your fantasies
You will never want another
I know each and every way to please.

I'll be your love android
I'm programmed with Sigmund Freud.
He'd tell you it's all relative...
It's all my father's fault.

*Continuing the laziness of being in a creative funk, I'm posting another poem I found in an old notebook. Seems like it needs a more concrete ending, but I've got nothing. For now.

Chrysalis

You are always trying to change me,
To be my love chrysalis.
But I am not a butterfly,
And I will not rise above this.
Take me as I am or not at all.

Claustrophobic

I can't always be by your side
Your intensity makes me run and hide
I'd like some time on my own
I won't live always tethered home
To your ball and chain around my neck

I won't sit quietly in your shadow
And be your little love slave
I won't be always at your beck and call
And be your little love slave
It seems repetitive and tragic
We've lost our chemical magic
And I'm feeling rather claustrophobic
At your side.

You tell me you can't sleep without me
Soft and warm beside you every night
You say that you can't live without me
To kiss and hold you tight

You've become a little too intense
Love defying common sense
For my commitment-phobic nature

Your pleading eyes say "love me, love me"
But I don't think I can
Your every caress says "love you, love you"
I shrink away and into myself.


*Wrote this some time ago about a friend's clingy girlfriend. Found it in a notebook randomly, so decided to post it.

But

I told you I loved you
Everyday
But
There was always
An addendum
Which I regret.
But
Love is love
And I meant what I said.
I love
Your face
Your voice
The ugly things you think
And feel.
I love your faults
And your talent
And the boundless energy with which
You attack life.
But
I don't love the way you want
So all you hear is
But.

Heavenly Body

Her body itself is a song
She bends the note
She makes it float
Levitating, undulating
She wields the power
And all men cower
And long for just the name
Of her symphony, sing for me
Higher and higher
She dances on a wire
Above us all among the stars.

3 Minutes of Joy

With no skill
And only desperate enthusiasm
I lift myself from a low
With a shoulder shake
A tilted hip
A spasmic flip
and my hair flies free and wild.

As long as I keep
Moving to the beat
Stretching
Bending
A joy is welling
Swelling
Bursting
From me.

And there is no time to concentrate
Or think
Or feel
Anything but fine.

Until the music stops.

To Spew

Inebriated,
I open my mouth and say
as spew
of true
but not the way I meant
to say,
that is to say,
I may or may not have meant
what I said about you.

Did I mention I was
Inebriated?

Absence

It's surreal how
You reject me every time
From the heart of your life
Back to the bleachers,
The nosebleeds,
And everything I know of you
Becomes second-hand.

I wonder if you ever held me
In any regard
Higher than the palm of your hand.

Because I was
Always there for you
I was cliche and a fool
But I was always true
And I know that
Even my anger and spiteful words
Were less cruel than your
Absence.

When Beauty Becomes Unbearable

When beauty becomes unbearable
What keeps us teasing and wearing
Grinning and bearing
The scrutiny of ourselves
And the world that's revolving
Like a pink plastic ballerina
Inside a wooden box?

But we all need something to strive for
and we all find something beautiful to die for
A notion, an ocean, a land
what's under the sand...
So why not beauty and her gilded throne?

Every morning I twist and twirl
Painting myself into a portrait of a girl
Hiding the flaws that magnify me,
Like ants on a sidewalk
Soon in flames
Their loving claims.
I hide myself and close the lid
When beauty becomes unbearable.

Awkward Mornings

I take you home in the mornings
in my dirty silver car.
With a broken radio,
The chat is very small.
Mostly we look out the windows.

-I never know what to say.

Hours ago our lips were locked
in quite a different way
and our limbs entangled
and our breaths contented sighs.

But the light and heat of the sun
makes us into uncomfortable strangers
with awkward hands.

Rare

You made me feel something
(how rare!)
You made me feel something
and care.
Now I am on a precipice
(on the verge,
In transition)
And there's a halo around me
A sunny disposition.
You are the dream I hide away.

Things Unexplained

Why are the bees dying?
And will the flowers die too?
And if the flowers die,
What will girls look forward to
on Valentines Day,
or when they marry?
Will we make paper flowers
'til we forget what real flowers were?
And if we forget the flowers
will we also forget the bees
and what it felt like to
fear and respect their sting?

Anticipation

A build-up of
anticipation and fear
like a wet-dream
inside a nightmare.
A fascinating kind of terror
tangled with hope and inspiration.

- this is how I feel
about the future
and every glimpse of
the universe-

The sheer largeness of the concept
overwhelms and confuses
me 'til all I'm left with is
an anxiety attack.

Rubbery

Because you carry me in your eyes
And bring me to my knees,
A weak and rubbery thing,
I resist and push you away.
But I hope you find me again
When you have grown older,
I have grown wiser,
And the stars, they all align.

I LIKED THAT BAND BEFORE IT WAS COOL

Every time I think about you my stomach starts into twisting
and I feel a little nauseous.
And when I know you're wrong, my adrenaline starts kicking in and up.
I wanna tell you "you are wrong, you are dumb, you are the biggest douche,
you douche the city 'til it floods."
Maybe with more eloquent phrasing.
But even if I did, you'd somehow find a way to cut me up and down
With one dirty look,
With one thoughtless snear.
You would take me back to that year.
You would make me feel the things I felt
When I didn't hate your face.
You'd make me feel small and stupid, attention craving,
virginal, and uncool.
So I keep it all in my head, my thoughts on the matter of you.
I let my stomach twist and the adrenaline mildew.
Sometimes silence is easier than what's true.

Today

Take no more solace in the illusion of tomorrow.
There is only today.
Every day is today.

Every Star

You make me feel like
Glitter
A bright and shiny particle.
In your eyes
I sparkle
I glow.
Under your hands
I feel myself lighten
And everything grows.
Against your lips
I tighten
I thrum.
Like a drum I beat
And pulse.
I race and heat
hotter than a thousand
suns.
You make me feel like
Every star in the sky.

Sun Lies

Alone in the dark
The truth comes out
In a storyboard of whispers.
Secrets and tears
Downpour and drench.
The lies that we mold ourselves into
Fall down around us,
Remaking themselves
With the rising of the sun.

Arts and Privilege

I am not a lady
Though I know the art,
The delicate waiting
That is required.

But demure smiles were never honest enough
For my peasant mouth.

I was born free of locks and the rules
Propriety brings to rein in our desires.

I was born
Free of respectability
Free of notoriety
Free of wealth
Free of worth.

Though I know the art,
The sophisticated lying
That is required,
I am not a lady.

Turpentine

Consolation in a bottle
In a jar of turpentine.
Rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

The pools of brown blend into black
Bleed through the canvas back.
I take another sip to wash you down.

I dip my fingertip into
Yellow and I can feel the sun
Heating on my black.
Sweat mixing with the desperation in my laugh.
How many years ago was it today?

I drown you out
with a jar of turpentine
I drink you down with a bottle,
If rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

Compromise

Bending is a myth,
We're always just breaking.
Little tears in the fabric
of all that we are
re-knitting, re-forming
stronger, but flawed.
Strangers to the standards
we set when we were whole.

Above & Below

I do not like the ocean
I do not like the sea
I do not care for whales or squids
In truth they mostly terrify me.

I love the dark black sky above
I love the twinkling little lights
I keep close moons and planets orbiting
That accompany me on lonely nights.

Small and Scared

I feel like one of those
little dogs that bark and bark
but never bite.

Small and scared.

I know why they kill the night
with their bluster and their noise,
tear apart their squeaky toys.

Small and scared.

They want your eyes and ears
To disagree
Just listen and please don't see

Small and scared
Inside and out.

intricate.

intricately woven

like threads
hand
sown
   each
and
   every
one.
How to be woven
and
Sown all at once?
Morning bright colors are
So
Distracting
when your
EYES
can't seem to

focus

like a dirty lense clogging your
view
Or the
way
I long
for
you
move and unmove
me
(or something like that)
with uncountable unreachable promises that are not
spoken even through those melancholic eyes of yours. So perhaps it's all in my head...perhaps it's better that way...

That way
it's
alright that
I'm


DEAD.


Who needs drugs w/an imagination as swell as mine?
Who needs drink when you already stink with obsession so refined?
I hear the music floating....
effervescently
and
I
   F
     A
         L
       L
flailingly
arms
all
a   f   l   u   t   t   e   r
until
i
am
unerringly
back
to
my pretty little blanket world
hand sown by the good, honest, indiginous peoples of...



wherever.

BACK

I want you back
Back in my life, back in my heart
Back in my pants.
I want you back
Packing in Europe with me by your side
With me as your ride.
I want you back
the way you were, the way we were
When you had my back.

SUSPECT

Innocence is now a vanity
Pure intent or no
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect.
He swooped in
Black coat, black hood, black gloves
Hollowed out eyes
And stole my trust away.
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect
Because nothing is clear
And no one is here
To hold my hand.

MORE NOTHING

They say to be open
To life and all it's possibilities
I don't know how much more open to be
Nothing ever flies into me
Nothing ever woos or tackles me
All I've opened to is
Nothing and more nothing.
The windows are all painted shut
The doors are all locked
The keys hidden around someone's neck
Tiny metal nooses
Keeping us forever in separation.
I've tried meditation
I've tried sedation
But I only fall farther and farther in
And nothing opens
And nothing slams shut
I'm left with only the same quiet room
Full of nothing and more nothing.