NEVER GO BACK

Don't know why I let you use me like you did
Don't know why I forgave what I shouldn't forgive
Couldn't say why I let you abuse my heart
Didn't know why from the very start.

The rain is cool as it falls over me
Washes the pain into the sea
Soothes my aches with it's pitter patter
Cleanses my soul of it's guilty chatter

If wishes were roses, I'd have a garden
If kisses were jailtime, I'd have a pardon
If bruises were badges, I'd have the prize
If ruses were honest, well I'd tell no lies

If I had a brain when we first met
Would've held back my heart and used my head
Told you that I would rather be dead
Than let you abuse me like you did.

Take back all those things you said
Take back all the hurt you dealt
Give me back my legs to stand
Give me back those things I felt

Cuz I'm ready to face the day
I'm ready to walk away
And never look back,
Never go back.

HELL I KNOW

Fingers in my brain
I can't survive this lifeless terrain.
Mountains of screaming devils,
Eyeless they scent my tender flesh.

Screaming, screaming, eternal torment.
Burning, scorching, torture's not silent.
Fire, brimstone, feel the hungry lick.
Gently cradle a mind turned sick.

Every day, every hour
More and more I feel it's power
So deceptive, slowly creeping
In my brain while I am sleeping
Captivating, watch me fading
Faster, faster, watch me fall.

And I am at the mercy
Of creatures who don't see me
They smell my desperation
And know I've lost my way
Who'll come to save the day?
This damsel can't help herself.

SHOW & TELL

Frozen heart, you think of me
Like I don't feel, I don't grieve.
Because my eyes remain so dry
You think I have no tears to cry.

But life is not a simple thing,
He haunts me still within my dreams.
I live my life in love with death
And he the one without a breath
Took it all away in one vacant stare.
How can you say that I don't care?

If I wail and if I weep,
Toss and turn within my sleep,
Would my grief be more bonafide
Than if I'd kept it all inside?

But grief is not a simple thing,
Instead of tears I laugh and sing.
There is comedy in death
And you're the one wasting breath
Trying to decode my stare,
Telling me that I don't care.

Who the hell are you
That you know me so well?
Try to understand
We don't all like to show & tell.

THERE IS TIME

There is time to explore
The criminal impulses
That you feel in your gut
When you don't ignore the voices

Just take your time, boy
Draw a line, boy
Pick the side that you won't cross
Just take the time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross

And don't cross the spear that bleeds you
Thank the nails that hold you up
For they absolve you of your sins
And make you purer than a little lamb.

Pain is simple to inflict,
Mercy needs a bigger stick.
Flaggelation is salvation
Not one need accuse you now.

There is time to make amends...

There is time, boy
Make amends, boy
To the ones that you have crossed
There is time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross...

Walking Dead

We couldn't run anymore
We were too tired and sore
You sacrificed yourself so I could live
Gave all that you could give
But I can't go on
Now that you've gone...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It was love from the start
Couldn't tear us apart
Killing zombies through the endless night
We were the life of the fight
We were the perfect pair
And it's just not fair!

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It's just not the same without you
The laughs we had were too few
And more than your sharpshooting skills I miss
Your warm embrace and your kiss...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

COME AND GO

My body is a convenience store
Take what you want, walk out the door
Pump your fuel, drive away
Come and Go, don't dare stay
Don't loiter, don't linger
I'll give you the finger
Show you the door
When you say you want more
Thankyou for the lay
Have a nice day...

PURGATORY

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

Your girlfriend knows you love me more.
I think it shows, this love, this core.

What's the matter with me?
I can't give, not fully.
I can love, but not wholly.

We do nothing but laugh all night
Because best friends should never fight
or love too much.
Not wholly, not fully.
Not you and not me.

I love you more, I think you know
this love, this core's not safe to show.

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

BLOOMING

The labor of your love is
blooming all around
my hips
my thighs
my swollen lips.
With soft cries you announce
the deed is done
golden thread
spun through my degradation.

EVERY WORD

I have never
and would never,
but with you I try so hard
in every glance,
every word,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
There is no rhyme or reason,
there is only this demon.
There is only this filofax of ruin,
a contact list of despair,
and I can't look, I can't seek,
I can't find
anyone who compares to you
because you are my ruin, my desolation.
You make of me nothing
and you fill me with everything
and all the stars in the sky
are dim in comparison,
and it's you.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I try so hard to hide it,
but with every word,
with every glance
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Every word is I love you.

COMING

Serendipidous rush -
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Rumbling reverberation
at her core.
A rhythmic
circling flush
in the atoms of her very being.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Her body is a track,
His message a transit,
Her heart a tunnel
through which he will pass.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming -
Inevitable crash.

SUBSERVIENCE

I kneeled at your feet
and bathed them with the silk
sun-split ends of my hair
and the salty sweetness
of my tears.

I kneeled at your feet
-subservient to-
for love.

And you
patted my head, sent me away.
And you
-whom I ws subservient to-
Threw stones at me, kicked me away.

And I
watched you thin,
your flesh, your hair,
the color from your eyes,
I watched them grow dim.

And I,
with grim humor
laughed at your demise,
the failure of your romance,
and washed my hair
free of your soil(soot, filth).

JUST FORGET

Do you feel like I
Abandoned you, like your father
Do you? Yeah do you?

Do I make you cry
On lonely nights when stars won't shine
Do I? Oh do I?

Do I make you feel sad
Do I remind you of...

Do you wish you'd never met me way back when?
Does the memory of me hurt you inside?
Do you wish you could hide?
Curl up and just forget.
Curl up and just forget you met me
Way back when.

Do you feel like I
Left you there high and so dry?
Do you? Yeah do you?

Do I remind you
Of quiet nights on swinging chairs
Do I? Oh do I?

Do I make you feel sad
Do I remind you of...

Do you wish you'd never met me way back when?
Does the memory of me hurt you inside?
Do you wish you could hide?
Curl up and just forget.
Curl up and just forget you met me.

I'm sorry you
I never meant you no harm
I'm just a little fucked up myself
Ya know

I'm sorry you
I never meant you no harm
I'm just a little fucked up myself
Ya know

So curl up and just forget
Curl up and just forget you met me.
Curl up...yeah curl up.
Just forget way back when.

STARS AND DIRT

You turn to me (you turn to me)
your wings a leathery black
you turn to me (you turn and say)
and say
"Look not to the skies for salvation,
Look not to the skies
in fear of damnation,
Look to the north
look east, west, south...
but don't look up and don't look down
for all you'll see are stars and dirt"
Don't look down when you jump.
"My love looked down once, long ago"
said his dog-headed companion,
"she fell and drowned in an abyss of tortured
souls, and light too bright for her poor eyes
to filter. She died blind and deaf to the cries that matter."
I don't know what any of this has to do with me.
I am only hear to record, to see
when the world ends, I want to watch
as it burns, a dying star,
a decaying, hungry thing, this earth.
I want to watch the world turn to nothing.
I want it to look like what it really is.

Recycled Tears

You are the cold, the wet sliding feeling
the pattering, ever gentle rolling down my flesh
you are that insistent nuzzle,
the hardening state you put me in
is the same as the
drip drip
falling incandescent life
Recycled tears.
What is in a tear?
What brings forth the saltwater
drip drip
falling incandescent death
Recycled fears?
You roll down my spine, the arch in my back
can it now define
the divine?
You are the cold, the wet sliding feeling
the pattering, ever gentle rolling down my flesh
you are that insistent nuzzle,
the hardening state you put me in
is the same as the
drip drip
falling incandescent life
Recycled tears.

AN INTERLUDE WITH DEATH

What do you say to Death when he's standing beside you,
his bony, time worn hand stretched beseechingly toward you?
The gesture is almost comforting,
almost gentle.
The pleading of a lover, the insistence of a friend.
Do you tell him "No, not today,"
Do you tell him "Never, go away!"?
Can one evade Death like taxes or the Dentist?
Where would we be without an end?
The story would just never stop...
what a bore!
Death stood at my shoulder the other day
whispering sweet somethings in my ear.
They weren't words that one could hear, but I felt them loud and clear.
Death said to me, he said,
"Happiness, erase the sadness with my embrace,"
Death sang, "Come, end this pointless race...
come with me and we shall dance.
We shalll dance among the stars
We shall dance beneath the seas
We shall dance beyond it all and back again."
What do you say to an offer like that?
What do you say to Death when he's standing beside you,
his bony, time-worn hand stretched beseechingly toward you?
Can one just say "NO" to his tender caress?
Well, I shook my head, sorrow deep in my voice
I said, "I can't right now, but soon, someday soon we shall dance."
Death kissed me regretfully on the mouth
and that is why the complacent always flee from my words.
My love returns to me someday, to take me close and far away
He comes for you also,
so dress nicely, and practice your waltz.

VACANCY

sometimes I lie on the dirt
your dirt
with the tiny blades of grass scratching at my arms
tickling my nose
the bugs climbing my arms
wandering in my hair
the wind whispering at my ear
I dream that I've sunken
down to you
past the six feet of dirt
through the cement
through your wooden, silk lined cradle.
I dream of sleeping safely
within your arms.
you are long dead, but it comforts me still.
you are dead, but you are mine.
is it possible for the living to haunt the dead?
i sit upon your gravesone and feel like a ghost,
i listen to the breeze
groan with the trees
i'm always near at night.
i think perhaps your soul,
that tenacious ever charcoal thing
has vacated the premises
...so i haunt your grave in your absence.
sometimes as i sit under those cold, impartial stars,
that mysterious orb named Moon,
i imagine a great wolf attacking from the shadows.
could it be Anubis,
that dog-headed underworld god?
"GO AWAY," says the Wind,
or when the Wind's at play
does it rather mean, "STAY"?
you haunt my memory, my tumultously intangible dreams,
but who's the real ghost,
you or me?

NOTHING = EVERYTHING

I am everything that makes the soul wish to die.
I am loneliness, remorse, disappointment, depression, disillusionment, the unforgivable lie.
I am everything that can kindle and oppress.
I am art, I am pasion, I am unbridled love, and distress.
I am the very embodiment of the unfettered caress.
I will love you and I will scorn you
I will praise and I will mourn you
I will teach and I will learn
I will make you shiver and burn
I am everything you'll ever need, but I am nothing.
I am the void in your soul.
I am the silence, the gaping hole in-between conversations, the gnawing sense of unfinished business.
I am everything that makes the soul wish to die, and I will haunt you when you are dead.

THE IDEALISTIC DRUNK

will I ever recover my
uninhibited dreams?
can childhood fantasies revisit the soul
when it's dark and filled with tar and hate?
I want to live the life unheard of
I want to be known and adored
love me love me love me
DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME
flashing signs, ringing in my ears
dizzy tumult of sound and oppressive
ADULT.
Space...
why can't I transgress one more time
i just want one more kiss
bliss is just an illusion
a simple dream to comfort the idealistic retards
like cotton candy
cupcakes
chocolate milk
pie
kitten cats
just another lie to keep the masses
-DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME-
the ringing in my ears...
If you could be another person
If you could live another life
Who would you be, what would you do,
and why can't it be you now?

ORAL FIXATION

I want to lick the chocolate from your mouth
Like I'd lick the spoon after mixing
I want to lick that corner where your lips end
And my desire begins.
That unnoticed corner consumes me
For whole seconds, and minutes of the day.
You consume me in an obsessive way
That seems to have no clear beginning
And no end in sight
Lick, nibble, bite
Would you taste like vanilla?
Would you taste like rum?
Would you taste better than chocolate
On the tip of my tongue?
Your lips entrance me,
It's all I can do to break my gaze away
From that unnoticed corner,
Where the chocolate lingers,
Where the sweetness resides.
Whole seconds, minutes of my day
Fixated on you
The secret corners you keep
I want to lick them away.

FRIGID BITCH

She's so afraid of what could be
And she's so afraid of what will never be,
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid.
The cold seeps deeper, so much deeper
Than skin deep
And the frost it lingers inside her heart
Because she's so afraid of what could be
So afraid of what will never be
Inside her heart.
There are all of the could've been's
And should've done's
That will never go away,
All of the reckless opportunities wasted
In that backward glance,
And she'll never get them back.
She remembers the sound of his heart at her ear
The way her breathing matched his
The way his warmth melted her down,
And she's so afraid of what could've been,
So afraid of what will never be,
So afraid of what there is now
Inside her heart.
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid
To let it all out,
She's so afraid to shout
And move on in a world that makes her shiver,
In a world that makes her cry.
Maybe if she doesn't speak,
Maybe if she keeps it all under lock
Then everything will be forgotten...
She's so easily forgotten...
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid to live.