Get Off

I'm not part of the landscape
I'm a visitor in this topography
I'm just trying to smoke a cigarette
So kindly get off me.

I know I shouldn't discriminate
I know ugly is just a label
But you freak me out
So fucking get off me.

Fly away to something brighter
Crawl back to whatever hell you're from
Get away from my face, out of my hair
Just fucking get off me.

Happy Birthday

Clouds like cotton balls
In a baby blue sky.
The sun touches down to
Rolling green fields,
Row by row intersected by
The roads I'm traveling,
And small crumbling towns
That feel like home.

Silence

There is no silence if you listen.

Inside, the machines hum,
And the fans whir,
And water burbles through a pipe
Somewhere.

Outside, the lights have a whine,
And the crickets keen,
And a dog howls in the distance.
Trucks rush by in their hurry
So even the wind has something to add
-Whoosh.

Loudest of all are the thoughts
That scream and wail
With toddler-like enthusiasm
Inside of my head.
Persistent, relentless.

All I want is silence.

Shit Head

Never had much luck
With men named Matt
Last one told me he liked
That I didn't have a cat
What kind of fucking shit head
Says a thing like that?

First time I got drunk
I was fingered by a Matt
His nails were too long
And after all of that
Sobering hanky panky
It hurt when I sat.

My first crush was
A boy named Matt
Pummeling him lovingly
With my stuffed cat
I should've known by his whines
That's not where love was at.

A rose by any other name...
Well, it's not a fucking Matt.

Smile

Smile, Sweetie
Ugly is offensive
If you have an opinion
I'll get defensive
Your body is art
I want to own
You smiled at me
Won't leave you alone
Sleep with me
But don't be a slut
If you dress provocative
I'll slap that butt
If you should object
You're an upright prude
Try to reject me
Well that's just rude.

That Other Winged Thing

Cigarettes and coffee
Orange juice for the tears.
We puff and puff and pass
But this feeling never lasts.
Instead of circling together,
We threw secrets like stones
And tore apart a body,
A remembrance,
Feathers everywhere,
And flew our separate ways.

Closure

Things will never be the same
And if this feeling had a name
I might be closer
To something like closure
But I've never been one
To close doors or memories or pain.
And I'm always leaving lights on
In the car and the house, in my brain.
If ever you should return to me,
You'll let that guide you through
The cold, the dark, the rain.
I might let you stay to explain,
But things will never be the same.

Dirty Talk

Pretty boy, you're throwing joy
Around like birthday confetti.
You are marmalade in my mouth
Too sweet to eat every day.
You are a house full of Xmas lights
And I can't wait to turn you on
Then take you down and
Put you in a box in the attic.
You always say such pretty words
To me and all the other girls
But I can't give you any dirty talk
My hips say more than my lips can
And yours isn't the biggest cock,
But it really has grown on me.

Pretty boy, the lights are low
The music is jumping in my chest.
You are the brightest thing in the room
Looking directly at you hurts.
And the feel of you so soft against me
Saying such pretty dirty nothings
Nothing I haven't heard before
But still quite fun to hear in the moment.
You are a ball pit and a bouncy house,
So much fun if only I were younger
But I am a shark tank full of hunger
And you are bleeding every time.
You know I won't do dirty talk,
When you are dirty poetry.

Angst

Embrace the angst of your youth.
Every embarrassing moment
Has the beauty of a thousand
Cringes.

And that person who wouldn't
Leave your hysterical brain,
You wanted with near physical pain,
Twinges.

Remember but never relive.
Analyze, and maybe forgive
Yourself of the sin of being young and
Naive and full of hormonal imbalance.

And love yourself now
Every why and every how
Because someday you might recall,
With wonder, that you survived.

Drunk Feet

I dreamed about you last night,
You put my drunk feet on your feet
And together we danced.
And though it's not a thing
You actually would do,
I finally felt like I was home again,
Dancing and drinking with you.

Free Fall

All the damage I keep stroking,
The dying embers needing stoking.
The jagged edges of my past,
The poison apples, the broken glass.
Unnecessary, dangerous protections.
Deluded self projections.
But I don't want to fix myself.
If I am not falling apart
Then what am I?

Blame

You belong to another
But I don't care
Legs wrapped all around you
Hands in your hair
You like a little rough touch
You like a little too much
And I'm the one expected
To explain.

I belong to no one
But I don't care
Wrap my legs around
Anyone I dare
I like a little rough touch
I like a little too much
Why should I be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Why am I the one you want
To blame?

You belong to another
But you don't care
Wrap your arms around me
You pull my hair
You like a little rough touch
You like a little too much
And I'm the one expected
To explain.

Do we belong to anyone?
And do we care?
She's putting white flowers
All in her hair
She thinks she owns your touch
She thinks of you too much
Why should I be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Why am I the one you want
To blame?

How you look her in the eye
No, I don't know
Feed her all those little lies
Put on a show
The scratches from my fingers
My perfume on you lingers
Oh I can't be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On you
I am not the only one
To blame!

Snow Day

I think I could love you
But maybe not today
The light has turned a shade of gray
Filtered through the falling snow
And I'm not ready to leave my shell
There isn't room in this hell
For two.

Uncolor Me Blue

Did I ever tell you
You're not my hero
And I'm better without you,
You're a fucking zero.

Did I ever mention
All the good was erased
And sorry means nothing now
You lied to my face.

And how could you not know
That I fucking hate you?
Please just leave me alone
Uncolor me blue.

Clutter

It's all about low wattage lighting
Warm colors,
And clutter.
That's all you loved about me then.
That's all you love about me now.
I'm warm when I'm a friend
But you wouldn't like me in a
Halogen.
And there's no comfort in
Sterile, barren rooms.
There's no soul in those
Well decorated tombs
Some people call a home.
You loved me then because I was a home
You wanted to live in.
After all your drug worn journeys I am still the same,
That's all you love about me now.
But I am not a home,
I am just a lazy, messy girl
Who can't throw away the words
All over her floor and
You are a much bigger mess
Than I ever want to clean up. 

Boredom

Sometimes I fall in love
Instead of being bored
I tell myself I feel a thing
I've never felt before
This time it is true
Real and strong and how
Have I never realized
He's been there all along
Right before my eyes
And I picture a kiss
A heated dance
Map out a whole romance
A life and death and then
I find that I am bored again.

Success

What are these things you possess
Direction and purpose
Hard work, motivation, success?
I can only seem to stumble through life
Like a drunkard through the night
Happy enough I ended up
Home in my own warm bed.
What is this magic you possess
That made things go the way you planned?
If I made a plan, the universe would surely
Shake the whole world with it's laughter.
The chaos that made us all
Made you exhibit A and me exhibit B
Here the one who will excel
And here the one...well, we'll see.

Lover Think

Lover think
I'll have another drink
And wait for you to see
How drunk I need to be
With you.

Aberration

You are a strange aberration
In this land of potted plants
And cookie cutter houses
Where the girls like mouses
Breathe a long sigh of resignation.
You resign yourself to keep on growing
All the seeds you are sowing
You are a strange apparition.

Con quist ador

I am a conquistador
You can't ignore
You must adore
My subtle war
I wage with emotion
Ransom your devotion
Cross the largest ocean
For gold and glory
Infamous story
Of my victory.

Ah.

Sucking at your mettle
Your marrow
This is just an extension
Of my personality
Freeform jazz
Playing through my tongue
You can't even articulate
Comprehend
Inhumanity in my pose
I just have to laugh
At the way you scrunch
Your nose.
Mouths are the masters
Of men in repose.

More

You were a thing I dreamed about
When I found what dreams were for
And then a thing I cried about
When my dreams were nothing more.

Fine

You packed up and left

Did you even look back?

Not a word said to me

When I was such a wreck

So now in my mind

You are just DEAD

And I'm done mourning

You're outta my head.

Don't worry 'bout me, I'm gonna be fine.

Has anyone seen my piece of mind?

Steady as a rock stuck firm in the ground.

You say I'm all talk, but you're not around

To pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

Don't worry 'bout me, I don't need a heart.

It's easy for me

To move on with my life

As easy as you

And your ugly ass wife

Cuz now in my mind

You are just DEAD

Your fucking snoring

Is outta my bed.

Don't worry 'bout me, I'm gonna be fine.

Has anyone seen my piece of mind?

Steady as a rock stuck firm in the ground.

You say I'm all talk, but you're not around

To pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

Don't worry 'bout me, I don't need a heart.

I'm gonna be
Fine fine fine
Even though you're not
Mine mine mine.
Just give me some
Wine,
And I'll show you I'm
FINE.

Wake Up

Wake up
Put on a clean old shirt
Pretend the world
Doesn't make me hurt

Don't look
At those around me
Their pain displayed
For anyone to see
The raw nerves
Unshielded flesh
Stick a fork in me
I'm done.

Go to sleep
In the same old shirt
Dream a world
Where I am unhurt
See a friend
I forgot long ago
Jump off a cliff
Land in Mexico
The soft fall
The open air

Wake up
Put on the same old day
Pretend there is
Something new to say.

I Think, Therefore...

He says I think too much
But to me that is like saying
You exist too much
How could a thought ever be too much,
But a kiss or touch too little?

He says I'm afraid to be hurt
And maybe that's true
But why is it wrong to be safe with a heart?

There is a quiet
To being alone
A peace so often overlooked
In the worry of being lonely.

Is a life lived alone less valid, less real
Than a love of convenience
For a body to hold at night?


Don't mind me, I think too much. 

Crooked Hands

These crooked hands

The things they hold

Turn to ash

Never gold

My crooked fingers

Around your heart

Bleeding trash

Work of art.

This crooked grasp

Weakly grips

Will not smash

Slowly slips.

These crooked hands

The things they make

Sure to crack

Always fake.

Old Friend

Hello, old friend
Despair
It's been a while since
You crawled inside my chest
And reached your arms out
Wide.
You're welcome to my hopes and dreams
It was silly of me to have them
Anyway.

Bodies

Go on girl, you're in charge
Don't have to lie on your back to be somebody.
'Cause some body
Won't make you who you are.
You've the right to be more than just broken...

So stomp on the bodies that line up for you
Like a zombie horde waiting to devour you.
Take what they have and make it your own
You've got yourself, and you're not all alone.

Dog-pile Days

It's hard to accept that we are never going back
To the dog-pile carefree comfort of
Each other's bodies and laughter
Unreserved enthusiasm, unrestrained bluster
Secrets unfolded, examined, accepted.
In retrospect we are all an eternal summer,
A Kinkade cottage I wish to climb in and stay
But reality shows how fragmented we've become
Too betrayed and scarred to ever be the same.

Tacky Girl

Tacky girl
Your laughter is grating
Kindly give it a PG rating
And stop molesting my ears.
Cheesy predictable troll
Like a radio DJ, so loudly saying
Nothing of worth
And trying to cling to my
Sensible shoestrings
Tripping over your own
Badly shod hooves
Which reside orally.
So quickly you bray
At what any boy might say
As though that chalkboard feeling
Were somehow appealing.
And no color dress can
Compliment your lack of charm,
It's just a bit of fabric,
Not a piece of magic.
Cherie, listen to me,
That shade of desperation
Really isn't in this season.

Unforgiven

If I ever forgive you
What will that mean?
How can this resentment,
Hoarded up and stored
In jagged angry cages,
Ever just dissipate
Or blow away?

Such heavy matter must combust
To melt down and mold
Into something else altogether.

But this is all just speculation
For I never will absolve you
Even if I am crushed
By my own bitter trove.

Heart Of Gold

The problem with a heart of gold
Is how it's always bleeding
Bits of fortune everywhere
And someone's always needing
More and more for a low low cost
More attention, more tasteless feeding
And these demands will never cease
Until your heart has no more beating.

Crashing

When everything is going well
And the skies are clearing up
The weather's turning warm
And abundance is within reach

Just wait.

When the other shoe drops
You'll touch the broken glass and wonder
How you stay put together
When everything else

Crashes down.

Desire

You think you deserve me
As though I were some prize
Given for your acts of mediocrity.
You merely desire me
Like a child in the candy aisle
But your desire means less to me
Than a sticky bag of taffy.
Your desire deserves nothing.
And no one will ever deserve me.

Heavy Old Sweater

I will always feel like this
I have always felt like this
This is all I can feel
This feeling is all I can think of
And your questions fly past me
And your worry is muffled
Because your smiles are noisy
And I don't want to hear your pity
I don't want to be consoled
I just want to wrap this heavy old sweater
This heavy old feeling around me
And stop.

Only In Dreams

When I feel like dancing
I can dance to anything
And when I feel like drowning
I sink so deep I'll never be clean.
But now I feel like sleeping
To disappear in dreams.

Excuses

I'm creative.
I need a lot of sleep.
I'd rather spend my time
On something deep.
It doesn't bother me.
Can't find it if it's put away,
Plus it feels so empty.
Cleaning every day is crazy!

But mostly I'm just lazy.

Piece By Piece

Here's a piece of my body
Shyly, selectively showcased
For your admiration or scorn.
I watch your face intently(discreetly)
Not wanting to know, but needing
...validation?
Something not given freely
Since prodigious youth.

Here's a piece of my mind
I cringingly offer for your amusement.
My self-sense, bipolar and distorted.
Here is my pride.
And here are my failures.

Here is a piece of my heart,
Though it may only seem a song,
This is the tune that runs through me.
If the tone and the timbre
Could only convey-
You would know me.

Piece by piece you would know me.

Stippled Ceiling

I lie on the floor and listen to Nina Simone
Break my already broken heart
I listen to her wail, her moan
Staring at my stippled ceiling

Her voice makes me feel a little less alone
The spinning stops and I start
Making a song of my own
Until my heart starts healing

Older

Everybody's growing up
But I'm just growing older
Never really known true love
My heart's just growing colder
I've known obsession and regret
I've had a couple friends like you.

Now it's almost Spring again
When everything begins, renews
But I have always hated Spring
For everything we lose.
With all this growing up
I keep on losing you

To the day after day after day after days
And all this growing up
Leaves less time for magic
And mythos and adventure.
I just want some mystery to remain
I hope you do too.

At Least

You make me feel such joy
And I know it's just a
Chemical reaction
But it's surging through me
I'm taking/making action
Just a bouncing faceless fan
But I know we all are
In love with at least four men.

Little Things

Under your thumb
I learn your many faces
Dragged to all these different places
Each time I think they'll change
This time for the better
I really should know better

But it's the little hopes
The little things
I cling to when I'm little

Under your thumb
I learn to have no faces
A mask of self control replaces
Fear and hate and love exchange
This time is no better
It never gets any better

It gets a little worse
The little things
Are only getting bigger

I grow more defiant
The less that I'm reliant
And your ever changing favor
Leaves nothing left to savor
And the lessons may stay
But I'll never see your faces again.

It is the little dreams
The little things
That don't keep me so little.

Blackberry Indifference

If I could bottle the moment I fell
Out of love with your skinny lovely soul
I bet it would taste like blackberry wine
And indifference.
How fickle I must be to let
All of your adoring toothy smiles
Trickle through my fingers like diamonds
While clinging to my rhinestones.

You Never Did Care

shake me up
I'll shake you off my
sleeves are meant to warm your
arms can wrap around and feel so
safe inside you
safe in your embrace
but you're not my
only lover, my only
love me, love me not
I can only take so 
much of what I say is a 
lie to me, please won't you just
say you love me even though
you speak so softly when 
you speak so gently I want to
scream obscenities at your
form a coherent thought for your
conscience is a wearisome thing and
don't be fooled by the things that I 
say that you love me when
you never did care.

*Found this in my Facebook notes of all places...which I obviously haven't paid any attention in years. I remember I used to make a lot a poems in this format (beginning a line with the ending word of the last) and felt so clever. I still do.

Growing Up

The truth is I don't get too enthused for anything anymore.
Everything is a compromise of the original intent
Weighed against the sleep debt I'll owe
and the amount of sighing I can get away with
without hating myself.
I wonder if this is growing up?

What This Is

There is something about sharing the same skin
That feels like
Something.
I don't have a word for it yet
But it feels like
You're mine and you're me
And my dreams are in your head
And there's a right kind of wrong to us
That feels like
Something.
But this is not about love.
I don't know what this is.

Vultures

I had a dream last night
We were all convened
At a church to meet and greet
And atone for all our crimes

We looked upon each other
Found no truths, no resolution
Wearing the faces of our youth
Every blink was a tactic
Every breath a war.

I have grown too tired
For these petty, pointless games
But they are always playing
With the same worn deck of cards.
Even in my dreams we are not friends
We are vultures.

We picked through the remains
Of a million conversations
Reciting our dead memories
Regurgitating dialogue

We fed upon each other
Found no peace, no satisfaction
Sharpening beaks upon the pews
Every offer a tactic
Every truce a war.

I have grown too tired
For these petty, pointless games
But they are always playing
With the same worn deck of cards.
Even in my dreams we are not friends
We are vultures.

See

I don't see what you see,
I only see a reflection.
So I don't know what you love
Or find lovely about me.
I only see a collection
Of shapes and colors and flaws.

In My Leaving

I was born holding too many worries
Bearing the guilt of all their judgments
Side cast eyes and whispers above my head
Knowing a rejection I'd yet to earn
A perilous infraction, just existing.

So in my leaving I will be empty of
All the many things others think I should carry
And haul about for the inspectors of eternity.
I will throw them all to the crowds like confetti
And leave as the child I never was in youth.

Like This

I know grief and it feels like this
Forever falling into an abyss
But it's not as dramatic as
The words used to describe it

Grief is felt in the voice no longer heard
In eyes that will never look into thine again
And all the things they held within
Hopes and plans and worlds all vanish
Because this is what those we miss are made of
Dreams and possibilities we all are made of
And then are not, and then is nothing.

Grief is feeling all the nothing left
Where everything once was whole.
I know grief and it feels like this
It feels like lack and emptiness.

Nothing

There are words
And attraction
And eyes that speak louder
And hips that collide
With precision
And lips that meet and bruise
With intent
But I feel nothing
And the words pass through me
And I see nothing in those eyes
I feel nothing from those careful hands
So softly pleading for release
Because I feel nothing.

A Heart

I have a tiny heart of quartz
Hanging from a silver chain
It's cold and smooth and nice to touch
But it doesn't do very much

I have a heart of ink
Always hanging from my sleeve
It's purple and black and pretty to see
But it's not the one inside of me.

I don't know what that heart is made of
Stone or ink for all the good it does
It doesn't lead me anywhere and
I only feel a distant sort of love.

And it's shallow beat sounds less like a drum
Than the erratic chirp of dripping faucet.
My blood, I think, runs colder than most
In a slushing muddy stream.

Or maybe it's just a normal heart
Doing an average thing.
Maybe it's my head that's numb
And too abused to care.

Beige

Cigarette on my lips
Alcohol drowned liver
When the time comes
To leave for good and ever
I don't care if I'm on
The wrong side of a needle,
Don't let me die with beige nail polish
On my fingertips.

I don't care why
I don't care when
In disgrace or utter ruin
Just
Don't let me die with beige nail polish
On my fingertips.

YesNo

As a girl
I live in a world
Wanting me to say yes.
But every yes comes with a price.
Surrounded by hands
And eyes
That want to possess me
Or worse, to rent me.
They cut you up
If you turn them down.
But I never asked
To be a possession
And I never thought
To make a price-tag
And they want it all for free anyway
But every yes comes with a price.

All my loans are in default.

Any

Though so pretty in the breaking
You are a broken creature
So desperate for the taking
And you name her like a prayer
(sad, oft spoken)
The key to all your aching.

Just the sound of it.

Any
One will do
Now.

Fever bright and without decorum
You chase something familiar
(Any, any, any)
One to curl into.
(Any, any, any)
One to hold you tight.
(Any, any, any)
One to forget that prayer.

Just the sound of it.

I Know

Some choose to live under the sun
It's warm and tanning rays
But I have shunned the shallow fun
Of living in the bright of days.
I live mine under a million suns
Farther and deader away.

I am nothing more than so much nothing
A moon might think to dream
But sometimes I do feel a distant something
A small reflected gleam.
A howling shedding shredding
Of reality's fragile seam.

Immensity you cannot know
Looking into a blue bright sky.
What the night weaves, you rip and sew
Hunched and straining weakened eyes
Chanting always "I know, I know"
As another star somewhere dies.
Oh, how I know that bright and morbid glow.

When It's Time

When it's time
To leave this cemetery
And move to the future,
I'll write my name on a tree
And leave only cigarette ash
In Memory.

And the deadline feels so close
It's almost time, it's almost time
To shut my eyes
And imagine abundance.
But I'm tethered still
And I won't move on until...

When it's time,
I'll pack my car,
Wave goodbye to my
Hometown bar,
And leave only cigarette ash
In Memory.

Never Sorry

I never have to say I'm sorry
Because you always know me
The good, the bad, the lonely
You know I'm never sorry.

So now what's done is done
But I'm not the only one
Who didn't play nice.
You didn't play nice.

And the bad in me
Feels like the good in me
And even in misery
You know I'm never sorry.

Palaver

I'm drinking and I'm talking
But I'm not saying much
Because these people they can't
Talk like you can talk
And I'd rather palaver
All night with you.

I miss you the most
When looking to conversate
Doesn't have to be big or relate
To anything other than our little world.
But I miss you the most
When invited to someone's home
To watch them on their phones.

I'd rather
Chat with a cadaver
Than see another meme.
I'd rather palaver
Just one more night
With you.

Wane

If your body should invite me in to stay
I would be a stranger anyway
Strange to all the things I have forgotten
My memories like fruit have all gone rotten
Remembered in a different way.

The light has changed since I started this collage
With eyes like embers and hearts like cups
Lines so fine our hands were the same hands
Cupping a hearth, building an empire
Of thought and sound and ambition.

Spiders build a delicate home
In the corner where that canvas now lays
(Dusty and behind a pair of shoes)
Because starting from scratch is more appealing
Than revisiting what that picture reveals.

I wander from light-bulb to flame
With the same determination
A familiar and sweet destination
That no longer exists on this plane.
I'm a stranger in a different moon's wane.

Without

You wanted me
Torn and frayed and broken.

Now I can't look at you
Without crying.

Familiar Unknown

When I look at you
You've a face I've known my whole life
But you are a stranger to me.
Your eyes the same eyes
Watching me through childhood,
But I don't know the thought behind.
Your smile like an echo
Even your hands are hands that reached for mine
Hands that held me throughout time
It's strange to know of blood so close
And feel a stolen sort of love
Because your face is so familiar.

Ritual

Trickle lightly through my hands
Tiny grains, the finest sands
Piling into time refined
In purest form of memory.
Echoing through absent mind
Love twined thread
Beat kept palms
The rhythmic pact
The tender breathing alms.
Then merciless eventuality
Of vows ripped asunder
By the weight of eternity.

Damned If You Do

We came to this room
To decide some things
Two forces I'm in between
Too young to barter
My heart and my soul
But he wanted my decision
So I told him my choice.

The lights fled the room,
The darkness prevailed.
A power filled my lungs
As the room filled with fire.
You took full control,
Burned away my soul.

Now I feel the lick,
The pain in each step,
I feel the world and
A vicious contempt.
Your voice bellows through me
Forging my heart anew.

But I won't be an agent,
A martyr for you.
I'll be free from your traps
Til I find something true.
Through sinew and struggle
I'll carve my own map

For I let go his land
For this realm of the damned.

Eyes of Fate

Change is all around
And I don't like the sound
My conscience makes when
Our lips meet and mate
And you look at me like I'm your fate.

Couldn't we just cuddle?

Sadness

If it deadens the pain,
Lets me forget your name,
I'll gladly partake
Like you took
And lose myself for a while.

And while you prepare
For new life and fresh blood,
Old wounds will fester
And crawl through my veins,
Whiskey soaked adrenaline
Devouring what you left me with.

Speaking of which,
You left me homeless
And loveless and alone
With a sadness wrapped in rage
And it's all that warms me,
All that holds me,
All that sings me to sleep
Anymore.

Evanescent

Moving on and up and out
There is no time for rhyme or reason or doubt
Because moments are meant to be trapped in the mind
And time is meant to be fast and fleeting unkind.
You and I we exist in a memory
Evanescent, transitory
Now that the years have run
Leaving us in the webs we've spun.
We are like those tears in the rain
Existing invisibly, then never again.

Razbliuto

Razbliuto in the morning
When I wake up to your text.
You think I'm going to miss you,
But I'm wondering who's next.

Who next to walk for hours with,
Who next to lie under the stars,
Who next to swing in parks at night,
Who next to close down all the bars.

Once I held a torch,
A fire, a flame, a brazier,
But now it has all gone away,
With love I have grown lazier.

Cutting

How to cut you out of my heart:

Step 1. Mark the location in which you reside
Step 2. Anesthetize
Step 3. Ready the scalpel, wield it steady
Step 4. Don't cut too deep, but be sure nothing remains
Step 5. Mark as medical waste and throw away.

If only If only I could get past Step 2.
I'd finally be rid of you.
No residual pain
After I healed again.
No vacuum left over
From your hasty retreat.
No vacuous lover
No memory ridden street.

Blessed are those who need never remember
What they try so hard to forget.
No lump in the throat or knot in the stomach
Just an instantaneous reset.

Robotic Lover

I'll be your perfect lover
You'll never find another
I'll smile nice, make you feel
Convince you it's all real.
But soon enough you'll find proof
I'm just a facsimile of the truth.

I can compute the perfect equation
To make you + me work out
But underneath this fleshy shell
I am cold hard
Calculating machine
And binary heart.

In my eyes there is emotion
You could almost believe
But Cylons were built expressly
Meant to sooth and deceive.

I am your robotic lover
I can execute all your fantasies
You will never want another
I know each and every way to please.

I'll be your love android
I'm programmed with Sigmund Freud.
He'd tell you it's all relative...
It's all my father's fault.

*Continuing the laziness of being in a creative funk, I'm posting another poem I found in an old notebook. Seems like it needs a more concrete ending, but I've got nothing. For now.

Chrysalis

You are always trying to change me,
To be my love chrysalis.
But I am not a butterfly,
And I will not rise above this.
Take me as I am or not at all.

Claustrophobic

I can't always be by your side
Your intensity makes me run and hide
I'd like some time on my own
I won't live always tethered home
To your ball and chain around my neck

I won't sit quietly in your shadow
And be your little love slave
I won't be always at your beck and call
And be your little love slave
It seems repetitive and tragic
We've lost our chemical magic
And I'm feeling rather claustrophobic
At your side.

You tell me you can't sleep without me
Soft and warm beside you every night
You say that you can't live without me
To kiss and hold you tight

You've become a little too intense
Love defying common sense
For my commitment-phobic nature

Your pleading eyes say "love me, love me"
But I don't think I can
Your every caress says "love you, love you"
I shrink away and into myself.


*Wrote this some time ago about a friend's clingy girlfriend. Found it in a notebook randomly, so decided to post it.

But

I told you I loved you
Everyday
But
There was always
An addendum
Which I regret.
But
Love is love
And I meant what I said.
I love
Your face
Your voice
The ugly things you think
And feel.
I love your faults
And your talent
And the boundless energy with which
You attack life.
But
I don't love the way you want
So all you hear is
But.

Heavenly Body

Her body itself is a song
She bends the note
She makes it float
Levitating, undulating
She wields the power
And all men cower
And long for just the name
Of her symphony, sing for me
Higher and higher
She dances on a wire
Above us all among the stars.

3 Minutes of Joy

With no skill
And only desperate enthusiasm
I lift myself from a low
With a shoulder shake
A tilted hip
A spasmic flip
and my hair flies free and wild.

As long as I keep
Moving to the beat
Stretching
Bending
A joy is welling
Swelling
Bursting
From me.

And there is no time to concentrate
Or think
Or feel
Anything but fine.

Until the music stops.

To Spew

Inebriated,
I open my mouth and say
as spew
of true
but not the way I meant
to say,
that is to say,
I may or may not have meant
what I said about you.

Did I mention I was
Inebriated?

Absence

It's surreal how
You reject me every time
From the heart of your life
Back to the bleachers,
The nosebleeds,
And everything I know of you
Becomes second-hand.

I wonder if you ever held me
In any regard
Higher than the palm of your hand.

Because I was
Always there for you
I was cliche and a fool
But I was always true
And I know that
Even my anger and spiteful words
Were less cruel than your
Absence.

When Beauty Becomes Unbearable

When beauty becomes unbearable
What keeps us teasing and wearing
Grinning and bearing
The scrutiny of ourselves
And the world that's revolving
Like a pink plastic ballerina
Inside a wooden box?

But we all need something to strive for
and we all find something beautiful to die for
A notion, an ocean, a land
what's under the sand...
So why not beauty and her gilded throne?

Every morning I twist and twirl
Painting myself into a portrait of a girl
Hiding the flaws that magnify me,
Like ants on a sidewalk
Soon in flames
Their loving claims.
I hide myself and close the lid
When beauty becomes unbearable.

Awkward Mornings

I take you home in the mornings
in my dirty silver car.
With a broken radio,
The chat is very small.
Mostly we look out the windows.

-I never know what to say.

Hours ago our lips were locked
in quite a different way
and our limbs entangled
and our breaths contented sighs.

But the light and heat of the sun
makes us into uncomfortable strangers
with awkward hands.

Rare

You made me feel something
(how rare!)
You made me feel something
and care.
Now I am on a precipice
(on the verge,
In transition)
And there's a halo around me
A sunny disposition.
You are the dream I hide away.

Things Unexplained

Why are the bees dying?
And will the flowers die too?
And if the flowers die,
What will girls look forward to
on Valentines Day,
or when they marry?
Will we make paper flowers
'til we forget what real flowers were?
And if we forget the flowers
will we also forget the bees
and what it felt like to
fear and respect their sting?

Anticipation

A build-up of
anticipation and fear
like a wet-dream
inside a nightmare.
A fascinating kind of terror
tangled with hope and inspiration.

- this is how I feel
about the future
and every glimpse of
the universe-

The sheer largeness of the concept
overwhelms and confuses
me 'til all I'm left with is
an anxiety attack.

Rubbery

Because you carry me in your eyes
And bring me to my knees,
A weak and rubbery thing,
I resist and push you away.
But I hope you find me again
When you have grown older,
I have grown wiser,
And the stars, they all align.

I LIKED THAT BAND BEFORE IT WAS COOL

Every time I think about you my stomach starts into twisting
and I feel a little nauseous.
And when I know you're wrong, my adrenaline starts kicking in and up.
I wanna tell you "you are wrong, you are dumb, you are the biggest douche,
you douche the city 'til it floods."
Maybe with more eloquent phrasing.
But even if I did, you'd somehow find a way to cut me up and down
With one dirty look,
With one thoughtless snear.
You would take me back to that year.
You would make me feel the things I felt
When I didn't hate your face.
You'd make me feel small and stupid, attention craving,
virginal, and uncool.
So I keep it all in my head, my thoughts on the matter of you.
I let my stomach twist and the adrenaline mildew.
Sometimes silence is easier than what's true.

Today

Take no more solace in the illusion of tomorrow.
There is only today.
Every day is today.

Every Star

You make me feel like
Glitter
A bright and shiny particle.
In your eyes
I sparkle
I glow.
Under your hands
I feel myself lighten
And everything grows.
Against your lips
I tighten
I thrum.
Like a drum I beat
And pulse.
I race and heat
hotter than a thousand
suns.
You make me feel like
Every star in the sky.

Sun Lies

Alone in the dark
The truth comes out
In a storyboard of whispers.
Secrets and tears
Downpour and drench.
The lies that we mold ourselves into
Fall down around us,
Remaking themselves
With the rising of the sun.

Arts and Privilege

I am not a lady
Though I know the art,
The delicate waiting
That is required.

But demure smiles were never honest enough
For my peasant mouth.

I was born free of locks and the rules
Propriety brings to rein in our desires.

I was born
Free of respectability
Free of notoriety
Free of wealth
Free of worth.

Though I know the art,
The sophisticated lying
That is required,
I am not a lady.

Turpentine

Consolation in a bottle
In a jar of turpentine.
Rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

The pools of brown blend into black
Bleed through the canvas back.
I take another sip to wash you down.

I dip my fingertip into
Yellow and I can feel the sun
Heating on my black.
Sweat mixing with the desperation in my laugh.
How many years ago was it today?

I drown you out
with a jar of turpentine
I drink you down with a bottle,
If rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

Compromise

Bending is a myth,
We're always just breaking.
Little tears in the fabric
of all that we are
re-knitting, re-forming
stronger, but flawed.
Strangers to the standards
we set when we were whole.

Above & Below

I do not like the ocean
I do not like the sea
I do not care for whales or squids
In truth they mostly terrify me.

I love the dark black sky above
I love the twinkling little lights
I keep close moons and planets orbiting
That accompany me on lonely nights.

Small and Scared

I feel like one of those
little dogs that bark and bark
but never bite.

Small and scared.

I know why they kill the night
with their bluster and their noise,
tear apart their squeaky toys.

Small and scared.

They want your eyes and ears
To disagree
Just listen and please don't see

Small and scared
Inside and out.

intricate.

intricately woven

like threads
hand
sown
   each
and
   every
one.
How to be woven
and
Sown all at once?
Morning bright colors are
So
Distracting
when your
EYES
can't seem to

focus

like a dirty lense clogging your
view
Or the
way
I long
for
you
move and unmove
me
(or something like that)
with uncountable unreachable promises that are not
spoken even through those melancholic eyes of yours. So perhaps it's all in my head...perhaps it's better that way...

That way
it's
alright that
I'm


DEAD.


Who needs drugs w/an imagination as swell as mine?
Who needs drink when you already stink with obsession so refined?
I hear the music floating....
effervescently
and
I
   F
     A
         L
       L
flailingly
arms
all
a   f   l   u   t   t   e   r
until
i
am
unerringly
back
to
my pretty little blanket world
hand sown by the good, honest, indiginous peoples of...



wherever.

BACK

I want you back
Back in my life, back in my heart
Back in my pants.
I want you back
Packing in Europe with me by your side
With me as your ride.
I want you back
the way you were, the way we were
When you had my back.

SUSPECT

Innocence is now a vanity
Pure intent or no
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect.
He swooped in
Black coat, black hood, black gloves
Hollowed out eyes
And stole my trust away.
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect
Because nothing is clear
And no one is here
To hold my hand.

MORE NOTHING

They say to be open
To life and all it's possibilities
I don't know how much more open to be
Nothing ever flies into me
Nothing ever woos or tackles me
All I've opened to is
Nothing and more nothing.
The windows are all painted shut
The doors are all locked
The keys hidden around someone's neck
Tiny metal nooses
Keeping us forever in separation.
I've tried meditation
I've tried sedation
But I only fall farther and farther in
And nothing opens
And nothing slams shut
I'm left with only the same quiet room
Full of nothing and more nothing.

AWAY

Loss is just another state
And I've named mine Away.
My great grandmother went to Away
on an extended stay
Just like my baby teeth
And my virginity.
They sit out in the sun
On sandy stretches of beach
with umbrellas in their drinks
Chatting with my socks
and earring backs.
I get postcards from Away
Always blank on the one side
And the picture is of that sandy beach
Full of all I've left behind.
My first kiss likes to make
Sandcastles with my first best friend
And my eyelashes form a conga line
With my fingernail clippings.
You are on that sandy shore
Making stiff mojitos
You pour them out and wave at me
On a postcard from Away.

RESTRAINT

Awkward like
Urine running down your leg
A family trait
Multivariate
Always slapping me with that glove
you know
Restraining orders are a
Barrier to love.

BITTER

When I'm mad at you
My world is smaller
And the hurt grows bitter
And spoils like rotten meat.
You mix with the bile in my stomach
and make me sick.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.
I won't be mad at you
Forever, it's a long time
When the hurt for you
Overturns the hurt from you
I'll return
Bearing just another open wound.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.

THE BEST I CAN (RESISTABLE MAN)

I can't be tied down to
Someone so resistable
You never made
My heart beat fast
This love of ours can't last
It never even was.
Empty of promise
Unwilling to compromise
We spent all our time together
Daydreaming of a way out
But it always seemed so
Tedious, tiresome
Finding a new home
For my books
And my heart
I never could figure
Where to start
Looking for a real romance.
Always went down
The wrong road with
The wrong man but
I'm just doing
The best I can.