Just Kids

Try to remember

We were just kids

Everything new and

Unprepared for.

No sage advice

Or everlasting love

Our brains were trained

By Scantron tests

And movie dialogue.

The lyrics to

Our favorite songs

Only did us wrong

Because we didn't understand.

I Wish

I wish I could be nice
Like everyone else.
I wish I understood
When people say things.

I wish I could be mean
Like everyone else.
I wish they understood
When I don't say things.

I wish I could be close
Instead of closed.
I wish I could be most
Instead of almost.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

Cons

I'm bad at drugs

I never lie

I often wish that I would die

I'm always late

I can't commit

And I'm a lazy screw.

I don't cook

I barely clean

Exaggerate what I have seen

I'm a narcissist

And I can't resist

A good old reminisce.

I'm a godless heathen

I don't stray from

What I believe in.

I talk too much and

When I have nothing good to say

I'll say it anyway.

I'm a fixer not a listener

I'm a smoker not

A fucking quitter.

I'm a hypocrite

But I'm cool with it

I meant it at the time.

But won't you love me anyway

Tell me that I'll be okay

Someone else can surely see

That's not all there is to me.

Although my cons outweigh my prose

I'm more than just a list.

Web M.D.

I could just be scaring myself late at night
But instead of monsters, it's illness.
Every cursor click, I'm further
Down the rabbit hole.
Every symptom a tarot card,
An astrological reading.
But this doesn't feel like a scary story
Fit for everyone.
It feels like
Past present future
Truth.
Turns out I'm already
Dead.

Heavy

Heavy

Everything you lost weighs
More than you could have guessed
In your chest.

Heavy

Don't drop your burdens
They break into more cargo
To carry.

Heavy

Labor for your pains
Just ignore the feelings until
They're buried.

Get Off

I'm not part of the landscape
I'm a visitor in this topography
I'm just trying to smoke a cigarette
So kindly get off me.

I know I shouldn't discriminate
I know ugly is just a label
But you freak me out
So fucking get off me.

Fly away to something brighter
Crawl back to whatever hell you're from
Get away from my face, out of my hair
Just fucking get off me.

Happy Birthday

Clouds like cotton balls
In a baby blue sky.
The sun touches down to
Rolling green fields,
Row by row intersected by
The roads I'm traveling,
And small crumbling towns
That feel like home.

Silence

There is no silence if you listen.

Inside, the machines hum,
And the fans whir,
And water burbles through a pipe
Somewhere.

Outside, the lights have a whine,
And the crickets keen,
And a dog howls in the distance.
Trucks rush by in their hurry
So even the wind has something to add
-Whoosh.

Loudest of all are the thoughts
That scream and wail
With toddler-like enthusiasm
Inside of my head.
Persistent, relentless.

All I want is silence.

Shit Head

Never had much luck
With men named Matt
Last one told me he liked
That I didn't have a cat
What kind of fucking shit head
Says a thing like that?

First time I got drunk
I was fingered by a Matt
His nails were too long
And after all of that
Sobering hanky panky
It hurt when I sat.

My first crush was
A boy named Matt
Pummeling him lovingly
With my stuffed cat
I should've known by his whines
That's not where love was at.

A rose by any other name...
Well, it's not a fucking Matt.

Smile

Smile, Sweetie
Ugly is offensive
If you have an opinion
I'll get defensive
Your body is art
I want to own
You smiled at me
Won't leave you alone
Sleep with me
But don't be a slut
If you dress provocative
I'll slap that butt
If you should object
You're an upright prude
Try to reject me
Well that's just rude.

That Other Winged Thing

Cigarettes and coffee
Orange juice for the tears.
We puff and puff and pass
But this feeling never lasts.
Instead of circling together,
We threw secrets like stones
And tore apart a body,
A remembrance,
Feathers everywhere,
And flew our separate ways.

Closure

Things will never be the same
And if this feeling had a name
I might be closer
To something like closure
But I've never been one
To close doors or memories or pain.
And I'm always leaving lights on
In the car and the house, in my brain.
If ever you should return to me,
You'll let that guide you through
The cold, the dark, the rain.
I might let you stay to explain,
But things will never be the same.

Dirty Talk

Pretty boy, you're throwing joy
Around like birthday confetti.
You are marmalade in my mouth
Too sweet to eat every day.
You are a house full of Xmas lights
And I can't wait to turn you on
Then take you down and
Put you in a box in the attic.
You always say such pretty words
To me and all the other girls
But I can't give you any dirty talk
My hips say more than my lips can
And yours isn't the biggest cock,
But it really has grown on me.

Pretty boy, the lights are low
The music is jumping in my chest.
You are the brightest thing in the room
Looking directly at you hurts.
And the feel of you so soft against me
Saying such pretty dirty nothings
Nothing I haven't heard before
But still quite fun to hear in the moment.
You are a ball pit and a bouncy house,
So much fun if only I were younger
But I am a shark tank full of hunger
And you are bleeding every time.
You know I won't do dirty talk,
When you are dirty poetry.

Angst

Embrace the angst of your youth.
Every embarrassing moment
Has the beauty of a thousand
Cringes.

And that person who wouldn't
Leave your hysterical brain,
You wanted with near physical pain,
Twinges.

Remember but never relive.
Analyze, and maybe forgive
Yourself of the sin of being young and
Naive and full of hormonal imbalance.

And love yourself now
Every why and every how
Because someday you might recall,
With wonder, that you survived.

Drunk Feet

I dreamed about you last night,
You put my drunk feet on your feet
And together we danced.
And though it's not a thing
You actually would do,
I finally felt like I was home again,
Dancing and drinking with you.

Free Fall

All the damage I keep stroking,
The dying embers needing stoking.
The jagged edges of my past,
The poison apples, the broken glass.
Unnecessary, dangerous protections.
Deluded self projections.
But I don't want to fix myself.
If I am not falling apart
Then what am I?

Blame

You belong to another
But I don't care
Legs wrapped all around you
Hands in your hair
You like a little rough touch
You like a little too much
And I'm the one expected
To explain.

I belong to no one
But I don't care
Wrap my legs around
Anyone I dare
I like a little rough touch
I like a little too much
Why should I be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Why am I the one you want
To blame?

You belong to another
But you don't care
Wrap your arms around me
You pull my hair
You like a little rough touch
You like a little too much
And I'm the one expected
To explain.

Do we belong to anyone?
And do we care?
She's putting white flowers
All in her hair
She thinks she owns your touch
She thinks of you too much
Why should I be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Why am I the one you want
To blame?

How you look her in the eye
No, I don't know
Feed her all those little lies
Put on a show
The scratches from my fingers
My perfume on you lingers
Oh I can't be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On you
I am not the only one
To blame!

Snow Day

I think I could love you
But maybe not today
The light has turned a shade of gray
Filtered through the falling snow
And I'm not ready to leave my shell
There isn't room in this hell
For two.

Uncolor Me Blue

Did I ever tell you
You're not my hero
And I'm better without you,
You're a fucking zero.

Did I ever mention
All the good was erased
And sorry means nothing now
You lied to my face.

And how could you not know
That I fucking hate you?
Please just leave me alone
Uncolor me blue.

Clutter

It's all about low wattage lighting
Warm colors,
And clutter.
That's all you loved about me then.
That's all you love about me now.
I'm warm when I'm a friend
But you wouldn't like me in a
Halogen.
And there's no comfort in
Sterile, barren rooms.
There's no soul in those
Well decorated tombs
Some people call a home.
You loved me then because I was a home
You wanted to live in.
After all your drug worn journeys I am still the same,
That's all you love about me now.
But I am not a home,
I am just a lazy, messy girl
Who can't throw away the words
All over her floor and
You are a much bigger mess
Than I ever want to clean up.