intricate.

intricately woven

like threads
hand
sown
   each
and
   every
one.
How to be woven
and
Sown all at once?
Morning bright colors are
So
Distracting
when your
EYES
can't seem to

focus

like a dirty lense clogging your
view
Or the
way
I long
for
you
move and unmove
me
(or something like that)
with uncountable unreachable promises that are not
spoken even through those melancholic eyes of yours. So perhaps it's all in my head...perhaps it's better that way...

That way
it's
alright that
I'm


DEAD.


Who needs drugs w/an imagination as swell as mine?
Who needs drink when you already stink with obsession so refined?
I hear the music floating....
effervescently
and
I
   F
     A
         L
       L
flailingly
arms
all
a   f   l   u   t   t   e   r
until
i
am
unerringly
back
to
my pretty little blanket world
hand sown by the good, honest, indiginous peoples of...



wherever.

BACK

I want you back
Back in my life, back in my heart
Back in my pants.
I want you back
Packing in Europe with me by your side
With me as your ride.
I want you back
the way you were, the way we were
When you had my back.

SUSPECT

Innocence is now a vanity
Pure intent or no
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect.
He swooped in
Black coat, black hood, black gloves
Hollowed out eyes
And stole my trust away.
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect
Because nothing is clear
And no one is here
To hold my hand.

MORE NOTHING

They say to be open
To life and all it's possibilities
I don't know how much more open to be
Nothing ever flies into me
Nothing ever woos or tackles me
All I've opened to is
Nothing and more nothing.
The windows are all painted shut
The doors are all locked
The keys hidden around someone's neck
Tiny metal nooses
Keeping us forever in separation.
I've tried meditation
I've tried sedation
But I only fall farther and farther in
And nothing opens
And nothing slams shut
I'm left with only the same quiet room
Full of nothing and more nothing.

AWAY

Loss is just another state
And I've named mine Away.
My great grandmother went to Away
on an extended stay
Just like my baby teeth
And my virginity.
They sit out in the sun
On sandy stretches of beach
with umbrellas in their drinks
Chatting with my socks
and earring backs.
I get postcards from Away
Always blank on the one side
And the picture is of that sandy beach
Full of all I've left behind.
My first kiss likes to make
Sandcastles with my first best friend
And my eyelashes form a conga line
With my fingernail clippings.
You are on that sandy shore
Making stiff mojitos
You pour them out and wave at me
On a postcard from Away.

RESTRAINT

Awkward like
Urine running down your leg
A family trait
Multivariate
Always slapping me with that glove
you know
Restraining orders are a
Barrier to love.

BITTER

When I'm mad at you
My world is smaller
And the hurt grows bitter
And spoils like rotten meat.
You mix with the bile in my stomach
and make me sick.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.
I won't be mad at you
Forever, it's a long time
When the hurt for you
Overturns the hurt from you
I'll return
Bearing just another open wound.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.

THE BEST I CAN (RESISTABLE MAN)

I can't be tied down to
Someone so resistable
You never made
My heart beat fast
This love of ours can't last
It never even was.
Empty of promise
Unwilling to compromise
We spent all our time together
Daydreaming of a way out
But it always seemed so
Tedious, tiresome
Finding a new home
For my books
And my heart
I never could figure
Where to start
Looking for a real romance.
Always went down
The wrong road with
The wrong man but
I'm just doing
The best I can.

STUPID

I fell in love with you the day you left
You couldn't have loved me less.
You used up all the stores
Saved those lonely years.
Threw them all away on me.

Love is just another word for stupid.
"I fell in stupid with you"
"You are the stupid of my life"
Are just a few examples of
How stupid stands for love.

And Momma was right when she said
Beware, the poor man who falls for you.
And Momma was right when she said
Hard hearts break more thoroughly.
And Momma was right about a lot of things,
Including you.

BLONDES ARE MORE FUN

If you leave me alone
I'll know you care
Because I can't stand
Your long blonde hair.
It glints and gleams
Under the sun
like bright angelic
Unearthly fun.
My hair is dark
Thick and brown
like my face
it seems to frown
And curl away from
The golden glare
Of your insouciant
long blonde hair.

GROWING

Like branches of the same tree
We started out together
But the years grew us apart
You reached out and up
To flourish in the sun
While I hung back
settled in the shade
Of the many other branches nearby.
Though we both weathered
Winters and storms
But a few feet apart
The distance hurts like continents of space
And your fruit drops large and sweet
While mine remains hard and tart
Throughout the summers unyielding heat.
And I would never begrudge
The way you thrive
Because despite my shady past
I've managed to stay alive.

LONGING

Searching the room for your face in the crowd
Will I ever stop looking
Will I ever stop hoping
Your eyes will catch mine and their depths will hold joy
Instead of indifference?

INSIDE

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who's the fairest of them all?"
"Not you," says he.
"Not I," says me.
"But alas," he replied
"No shame to hide,
We are all pink inside."

FULL (MUCH TOO FULL)

Everything is full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Alcohol and laughter on their lips
a vulgar, empty need in their eyes.
I am taken in by that need.
I am taken in by that emptiness.
To be so blank
If only for a night
Is bliss unknown.
My mind is always full
Of brooding, long lost rooms
Orange tinted like old photographs
Of sunny days.
His lips, hard and moistened on mine
His eyes closed and careless -
I drink him like a beverage with mine.
If only for a night
This bliss is mine.
Tomorrow I will open
My eyes one by one.
Tomorrow thought will return
With the chirp of birds and sun.
And everything will be full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Once again.

LONELINESS AS A SOUND

I sound lonely?
How does loneliness sound?
Especially in the absence of sound
(You have only text to go by).

I would imagine it sounds pretty quiet.

But just because you got yourself a honey,
Don't presume it's any sort of antidote
For the loneliness in me.

Significant others don't do a thing.
Only I can determine my happiness of self
and I have decided to remain
unhappy and alone.

MOSTLY

A simple frustration
Mostly about control
And lack
And loss
And a love for a concept
For a construct of flesh
And blood
And bone
How many restless nights
Full of troubled dreams
Of you
Of me
And the silences in between.

I MISS YOU

The breeze becomes an echo of a whisper in my ear
when your voice is all I want to hear,
and it almost makes sense
if I listen hard enough.

If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
beneath the dirt, the cement, the cloth that covers your cold dead flesh.
If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
and how it doesn't beat.

I miss you when the sun shines down arrogantly. I miss you when the stars are bright and the moon smiles leeringly. I miss you when the snow dances dizzily down to the earth. I miss you when the rain taps pleadingly at my window. I miss you now, my eyelids heavy with sleep.

If I close my eyes, I can almost believe you're still here.
If I listen hard enough, I can almost
Forget
You're gone.

I miss you.

Behind The Mask

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

Your wings don't fool me
Your halo is slipping
I see behind the mask,
The angelic front
You are just a man
A man I don't wanna know.

Though you offer redemption
Though you promise salvation
The blood on your palms
looks like paint to me
You are just a man
And I'm not satisfied

Cuz I know where to find salvation
I know how to make it right
I know what to do with my devotion
But it is not your Christ.

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

SHADES OF THE FALL

I've had a few moments to
Collect myself
I've had a few years to gain
Some mental health
And I should be all better
But I should've known better

Because around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated.

I've had a few years to gain perspective
It's been a few times I've been rejected
I should be used to how this feels
But sunburnt skin often peels

And around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated

But you never saw me
No you never saw me
When I spent all my summers obsessing over you
I spent all my winters obsessing over you
I spent all my springs in love with you
And all I've left is the fall

All I am is the fall
-I am falling, I have fallen-
Because first kisses don't mean
"I love you"
And second base doesn't mean
"I'll hold you forever"
But in the end you know
I lied
When I said I have
Never cried

Over you.

NEVER GO BACK

Don't know why I let you use me like you did
Don't know why I forgave what I shouldn't forgive
Couldn't say why I let you abuse my heart
Didn't know why from the very start.

The rain is cool as it falls over me
Washes the pain into the sea
Soothes my aches with it's pitter patter
Cleanses my soul of it's guilty chatter

If wishes were roses, I'd have a garden
If kisses were jailtime, I'd have a pardon
If bruises were badges, I'd have the prize
If ruses were honest, well I'd tell no lies

If I had a brain when we first met
Would've held back my heart and used my head
Told you that I would rather be dead
Than let you abuse me like you did.

Take back all those things you said
Take back all the hurt you dealt
Give me back my legs to stand
Give me back those things I felt

Cuz I'm ready to face the day
I'm ready to walk away
And never look back,
Never go back.