Breaking

I am always breaking

Everyday.

You break me down

I break away.

I break my own heart

Over every word you don't say.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable in this skin

Uncomfortable in this body

Uncomfortable with this spine

Don't tell me to be comfortable

Just because it's mine.

Too small too tight too

Painful

Too itchy too soft too

Hateful

Don't tell me to be

Grateful.

Easy

Time passes softly without you

And I don't know who I am

Or how I got here

Or why I alone am so easy to lose.

Baptism

I have found myself changed

Born again in your love

And now without you I wonder

Who the fuck have I become?

Ready

If my heart were ready to find

Maybe you would have heard it

Beating for you

You would have felt it skip

When you walked in the room.

Knife

There are times my body yearns

To be used like a knife

Cutting through the world

Sharp, unstoppable, feared.

Instead it lies on the sink edge

Balanced on possibility.

Beyond

Beyond

Every

Twinkling

Star

You are eternal.

Tin Cans

I'll send you a letter by paper plane

If you float me back a message in a bottle

Call me with your tin cans and a string

I'll get back to you by pigeon wing

Oh, somehow, some way

We'll get in touch again

Oh, somehow, someday

We will meet again.

What Is Left?

But what is left to say?

After I decide I'm done

Being treated this way

What is left to say?

After I decide I'm done 

Going on this way

What is left to say?

All this time I went with the flow

All this time I'd just go where you go

And I'd just do what you want to do

Because at least I was with you

But now I'm done, done, done

And what is left to say?

Decadence

And so my decade of decadence

Has come to a close

And nothing I have left

Is worth keeping

Not memories

Or friends

Or worn old party clothes.

Dissent

When happiness seems too hard,

I choose to experience everything else;

All the small cruelties of life,

All the bizarre and broken people.

I swim comfortably through the bilge,

At home with the feeling of unrest.

Riotous, lazy, malcontent,

Be safe in my harbor of dissent.

If I May

Don't kill yourself in May
They'll bury you on a sunny day
Loved ones squinting in dismay.
The summer will steal your heat
Tacky sandals on the feet
Of your sweaty pallbearers.

But if you must,
(Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust)
Dearly departed,
You are a cunt.

The Fool

Beginning something new.

Taking a risk with hope.

I'm just The Fool

In your deck.

Another ship to wreck.

Untethered

Once you were mine

But now you have floated from me

Like an untethered balloon

Up and away

To dance with the clouds.

Co-Dependent

I entrusted to you

Every terrible inch

Of my heart or soul

Or whatever it is that

Makes a person a person.

I was a selfish child

Wanting only the best of your love

Always.

The most space in your life,

As much as you could give,

More.

But I wanted only what I gave

Without limit, without restriction,

Forever.

I was a foolish child.

There is no trust so free

So blind, so grand, so true

Only dependency too great

To see beyond the homes

We make of our companions.

Peace and Quiet

 There is now a quiet and a calm

(I can't stand it;

It drives me insane).

And I sink into it,

Burrowing further and further

And farther away from

The drama of others lives.

I cocoon myself from everyone,

And the riot turns to rest

And I'm sleeping in tomorrow,

And the next day,

And the next.

I Hate Florida

I hate Florida
Too much sun and sand
And the palm trees depress me
Stucco houses be damned!
I hate Florida.

Tattooed leather skins
Tobacco stained grins
And neon everything
Like all the worst parts of the 80's
In a gun shaped sauna.
I hate Florida.

Hot, humid, vaporous air
Choking me into submission.
Fat, pale tourists
Riding bicycles in thongs
Everything here is wrong.
I hate Florida.

Everyone in the Midwest loves it
But I am far above it
The afternoon monsoon
The midday decay
The lizards climbing every wall
I'd gladly forget it all,
But the sunsets really are stunning.

I still hate Florida.

A Burning Thing

You've always believed love to be
A burning thing
That leaves you seared
And inevitably scarred.
Believed it merely the price to pay
To stay warm in another's arms.

You put yourself last
Because they tell you that's what love is
And though no love is perfect
There are moments that feel so pure,
The fights that leave you crying
Are just moments to endure.

From afar I see you love yourself
Less and less
While building a fence around
That precious love nest
Of lies and baubles, you fight to defend.

I can't stand to watch it.
I can't bear it, my friend.

Profane

A word is just a word
Unless you hurl it like a stone
But all these proper gentlemen
Want me to atone
For using words they do not like
I am scolded like a child
But I am not a child,
You insipid fucks,
I can use whatever words I'd like.
Propriety is only a construct
Not a golden truth.
How delusional you must be
Too see only profanity
As you stand and denigrate me.
A word is just a word,
But even a dirty one
Is better than you.

Time

I have time to waste
Until the final taste
I might as well waste it
With you.
So much time to waste
Years that I could be alone
Reading and writing
Philosophizing
Or
Snuggling deep into you.