Philosophy?

What have I been up to lately?

How to explain the curiously busy task

Of self reflection, regulation, maintenance

The privilege of a daydream?

Or the purely masterbatory amount of time

Spent in contemplation? 

How to justify that arguing with oneself

Could be a hobby, anxiety a sport?

How to convey the exhaustion 

of such an incorporeal productivity?

It all sounds so vague and conceited.

Is it philosophy or self flagellation?

"Not much, and you?"

Love Her

She was fearless

And she was brave.

She fought battles

She was too young to fight.

All her damage

Made her strong in the end.

And I love her now,

Even though I didn't love her then.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable in this skin

Uncomfortable in this body

Uncomfortable with this spine

Don't tell me to be comfortable

Just because it's mine.

Too small too tight too

Painful

Too itchy too soft too

Hateful

Don't tell me to be

Grateful.

Quotes

I've been reading quotes
By wise men all day long
And what I've found is maybe
I am both weak and strong
Right at times and others wrong.

Because they couldn't all just agree
And there's no way I could be me
Without some philosophical quandary
Bounding around my head,
Sitting in my soul like lead.

Wanderless

There's forests and flowers
And oceans so deep
And yawning caverns
And fields of wheat.

There's mountains with snow
And pyramids and sand
The suns warm glow
The moons sweet smile.

There's endless space
Stars burning, comets hurtling
And so many people
All starving for something.

Everyone says I should travel
As if I'm missing out,
Like I haven't lived without
The cosmos already within me.

Is It?

"It's not the best, but it's not the worst"
And other things we say
When we get less than we want.
But is it less than we deserve?

No.

Sorry I didn't want to fuck
On a basement floor.
Sorry I wanted less
When you wanted more.
Sorry for the rage in your eyes
When I politely declined.

Sorry that I apologized.

The Dream

"I'm living the dream!"
But whose dream?
And why do they dream
Such shitty dreams?
If there's one thing I excel at,
It's dreaming.
Not to boast, not to brag
But my dreams are better
Than this endless drag.
So why am I stuck
Living in this dream?

Phoenix

Like a phoenix I will rise

From the ashes of this life

Tonight I have gone lower

Than I ever thought I would

All that's left to do is

Burn myself alive

And live again.

Belief

I believe in reinvention
I believe in best intention
I believe in breaking convention
But I don't believe in you.

Just Kids

Try to remember

We were just kids

Everything new and

Unprepared for.

No sage advice

Or everlasting love

Our brains were trained

By Scantron tests

And movie dialogue.

The lyrics to

Our favorite songs

Only did us wrong

Because we didn't understand.

I Wish

I wish I could be nice
Like everyone else.
I wish I understood
When people say things.

I wish I could be mean
Like everyone else.
I wish they understood
When I don't say things.

I wish I could be close
Instead of closed.
I wish I could be most
Instead of almost.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

Cons

I'm bad at drugs

I never lie

I often wish that I would die

I'm always late

I can't commit

And I'm a lazy screw.

I don't cook

I barely clean

Exaggerate what I have seen

I'm a narcissist

And I can't resist

A good old reminisce.

I'm a godless heathen

I don't stray from

What I believe in.

I talk too much and

When I have nothing good to say

I'll say it anyway.

I'm a fixer not a listener

I'm a smoker not

A fucking quitter.

I'm a hypocrite

But I'm cool with it

I meant it at the time.

But won't you love me anyway

Tell me that I'll be okay

Someone else can surely see

That's not all there is to me.

Although my cons outweigh my prose

I'm more than just a list.

Web M.D.

I could just be scaring myself late at night
But instead of monsters, it's illness.
Every cursor click, I'm further
Down the rabbit hole.
Every symptom a tarot card,
An astrological reading.
But this doesn't feel like a scary story
Fit for everyone.
It feels like
Past present future
Truth.
Turns out I'm already
Dead.

Happy Birthday

Clouds like cotton balls
In a baby blue sky.
The sun touches down to
Rolling green fields,
Row by row intersected by
The roads I'm traveling,
And small crumbling towns
That feel like home.

Silence

There is no silence if you listen.

Inside, the machines hum,
And the fans whir,
And water burbles through a pipe
Somewhere.

Outside, the lights have a whine,
And the crickets keen,
And a dog howls in the distance.
Trucks rush by in their hurry
So even the wind has something to add
-Whoosh.

Loudest of all are the thoughts
That scream and wail
With toddler-like enthusiasm
Inside of my head.
Persistent, relentless.

All I want is silence.

Angst

Embrace the angst of your youth.
Every embarrassing moment
Has the beauty of a thousand
Cringes.

And that person who wouldn't
Leave your hysterical brain,
You wanted with near physical pain,
Twinges.

Remember but never relive.
Analyze, and maybe forgive
Yourself of the sin of being young and
Naive and full of hormonal imbalance.

And love yourself now
Every why and every how
Because someday you might recall,
With wonder, that you survived.

Free Fall

All the damage I keep stroking,
The dying embers needing stoking.
The jagged edges of my past,
The poison apples, the broken glass.
Unnecessary, dangerous protections.
Deluded self projections.
But I don't want to fix myself.
If I am not falling apart
Then what am I?

Boredom

Sometimes I fall in love
Instead of being bored
I tell myself I feel a thing
I've never felt before
This time it is true
Real and strong and how
Have I never realized
He's been there all along
Right before my eyes
And I picture a kiss
A heated dance
Map out a whole romance
A life and death and then
I find that I am bored again.

Success

What are these things you possess
Direction and purpose
Hard work, motivation, success?
I can only seem to stumble through life
Like a drunkard through the night
Happy enough I ended up
Home in my own warm bed.
What is this magic you possess
That made things go the way you planned?
If I made a plan, the universe would surely
Shake the whole world with it's laughter.
The chaos that made us all
Made you exhibit A and me exhibit B
Here the one who will excel
And here the one...well, we'll see.