Rare

You made me feel something
(how rare!)
You made me feel something
and care.
Now I am on a precipice
(on the verge,
In transition)
And there's a halo around me
A sunny disposition.
You are the dream I hide away.

Things Unexplained

Why are the bees dying?
And will the flowers die too?
And if the flowers die,
What will girls look forward to
on Valentines Day,
or when they marry?
Will we make paper flowers
'til we forget what real flowers were?
And if we forget the flowers
will we also forget the bees
and what it felt like to
fear and respect their sting?

Anticipation

A build-up of
anticipation and fear
like a wet-dream
inside a nightmare.
A fascinating kind of terror
tangled with hope and inspiration.

- this is how I feel
about the future
and every glimpse of
the universe-

The sheer largeness of the concept
overwhelms and confuses
me 'til all I'm left with is
an anxiety attack.

Rubbery

Because you carry me in your eyes
And bring me to my knees,
A weak and rubbery thing,
I resist and push you away.
But I hope you find me again
When you have grown older,
I have grown wiser,
And the stars, they all align.

I LIKED THAT BAND BEFORE IT WAS COOL

Every time I think about you my stomach starts into twisting
and I feel a little nauseous.
And when I know you're wrong, my adrenaline starts kicking in and up.
I wanna tell you "you are wrong, you are dumb, you are the biggest douche,
you douche the city 'til it floods."
Maybe with more eloquent phrasing.
But even if I did, you'd somehow find a way to cut me up and down
With one dirty look,
With one thoughtless snear.
You would take me back to that year.
You would make me feel the things I felt
When I didn't hate your face.
You'd make me feel small and stupid, attention craving,
virginal, and uncool.
So I keep it all in my head, my thoughts on the matter of you.
I let my stomach twist and the adrenaline mildew.
Sometimes silence is easier than what's true.

Today

Take no more solace in the illusion of tomorrow.
There is only today.
Every day is today.

Every Star

You make me feel like
Glitter
A bright and shiny particle.
In your eyes
I sparkle
I glow.
Under your hands
I feel myself lighten
And everything grows.
Against your lips
I tighten
I thrum.
Like a drum I beat
And pulse.
I race and heat
hotter than a thousand
suns.
You make me feel like
Every star in the sky.

Sun Lies

Alone in the dark
The truth comes out
In a storyboard of whispers.
Secrets and tears
Downpour and drench.
The lies that we mold ourselves into
Fall down around us,
Remaking themselves
With the rising of the sun.

Arts and Privilege

I am not a lady
Though I know the art,
The delicate waiting
That is required.

But demure smiles were never honest enough
For my peasant mouth.

I was born free of locks and the rules
Propriety brings to rein in our desires.

I was born
Free of respectability
Free of notoriety
Free of wealth
Free of worth.

Though I know the art,
The sophisticated lying
That is required,
I am not a lady.

Turpentine

Consolation in a bottle
In a jar of turpentine.
Rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

The pools of brown blend into black
Bleed through the canvas back.
I take another sip to wash you down.

I dip my fingertip into
Yellow and I can feel the sun
Heating on my black.
Sweat mixing with the desperation in my laugh.
How many years ago was it today?

I drown you out
with a jar of turpentine
I drink you down with a bottle,
If rain can't wash away
The weeks
The months
That you were mine.

Compromise

Bending is a myth,
We're always just breaking.
Little tears in the fabric
of all that we are
re-knitting, re-forming
stronger, but flawed.
Strangers to the standards
we set when we were whole.

Above & Below

I do not like the ocean
I do not like the sea
I do not care for whales or squids
In truth they mostly terrify me.

I love the dark black sky above
I love the twinkling little lights
I keep close moons and planets orbiting
That accompany me on lonely nights.

Small and Scared

I feel like one of those
little dogs that bark and bark
but never bite.

Small and scared.

I know why they kill the night
with their bluster and their noise,
tear apart their squeaky toys.

Small and scared.

They want your eyes and ears
To disagree
Just listen and please don't see

Small and scared
Inside and out.

intricate.

intricately woven

like threads
hand
sown
   each
and
   every
one.
How to be woven
and
Sown all at once?
Morning bright colors are
So
Distracting
when your
EYES
can't seem to

focus

like a dirty lense clogging your
view
Or the
way
I long
for
you
move and unmove
me
(or something like that)
with uncountable unreachable promises that are not
spoken even through those melancholic eyes of yours. So perhaps it's all in my head...perhaps it's better that way...

That way
it's
alright that
I'm


DEAD.


Who needs drugs w/an imagination as swell as mine?
Who needs drink when you already stink with obsession so refined?
I hear the music floating....
effervescently
and
I
   F
     A
         L
       L
flailingly
arms
all
a   f   l   u   t   t   e   r
until
i
am
unerringly
back
to
my pretty little blanket world
hand sown by the good, honest, indiginous peoples of...



wherever.

BACK

I want you back
Back in my life, back in my heart
Back in my pants.
I want you back
Packing in Europe with me by your side
With me as your ride.
I want you back
the way you were, the way we were
When you had my back.

SUSPECT

Innocence is now a vanity
Pure intent or no
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect.
He swooped in
Black coat, black hood, black gloves
Hollowed out eyes
And stole my trust away.
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect
Because nothing is clear
And no one is here
To hold my hand.

MORE NOTHING

They say to be open
To life and all it's possibilities
I don't know how much more open to be
Nothing ever flies into me
Nothing ever woos or tackles me
All I've opened to is
Nothing and more nothing.
The windows are all painted shut
The doors are all locked
The keys hidden around someone's neck
Tiny metal nooses
Keeping us forever in separation.
I've tried meditation
I've tried sedation
But I only fall farther and farther in
And nothing opens
And nothing slams shut
I'm left with only the same quiet room
Full of nothing and more nothing.

AWAY

Loss is just another state
And I've named mine Away.
My great grandmother went to Away
on an extended stay
Just like my baby teeth
And my virginity.
They sit out in the sun
On sandy stretches of beach
with umbrellas in their drinks
Chatting with my socks
and earring backs.
I get postcards from Away
Always blank on the one side
And the picture is of that sandy beach
Full of all I've left behind.
My first kiss likes to make
Sandcastles with my first best friend
And my eyelashes form a conga line
With my fingernail clippings.
You are on that sandy shore
Making stiff mojitos
You pour them out and wave at me
On a postcard from Away.

RESTRAINT

Awkward like
Urine running down your leg
A family trait
Multivariate
Always slapping me with that glove
you know
Restraining orders are a
Barrier to love.

BITTER

When I'm mad at you
My world is smaller
And the hurt grows bitter
And spoils like rotten meat.
You mix with the bile in my stomach
and make me sick.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.
I won't be mad at you
Forever, it's a long time
When the hurt for you
Overturns the hurt from you
I'll return
Bearing just another open wound.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.