Best Part of Waking Up

Every morning for breakfast

I eat disappointment-oh's

With almond milk and sugar

I gulp it down so violently.

You came out of nowhere

Those burning eyes, that long hair

Muscular thighs, now I don't care

About breakfast anymore.

The most important meal of the day

The most important meal of the day

The most important meal of the day

Is you.

Your gold flecked eyes

Your way with lies

You are the prize

In every box of cereal

Cheap and easy

Mostly sleazy

The best part of waking up

Isn't coffee.

Accountability

Accountability is a chain reaction
-Everyone is culpable.

Motto

Be a safe place
For others to be true.

Wanderless

There's forests and flowers
And oceans so deep
And yawning caverns
And fields of wheat.

There's mountains with snow
And pyramids and sand
The suns warm glow
The moons sweet smile.

There's endless space
Stars burning, comets hurtling
And so many people
All starving for something.

Everyone says I should travel
As if I'm missing out,
Like I haven't lived without
The cosmos already within me.

Too Late

Oh what a struggle
Oh what strife
Such a busy life
So put me to bed.

I am up too late again
And I've been
Up to no good
Up to no good
Up to no good
I've been
Up to no good
Up to no good
Up to no good

Thinking about you...

I should put you out my mind
Work on moving forward
And I am trying to unwind
But I can't stop

Thinking about you...

Replaying our love like a movie
Our conversations like a script
Wrapping your thin arms around me
But it's too late.

Pleasure

Aftershocks of pleasure

Like I need the reminder

Of a one time, sometime

Casual experience.

You go home to a shared

Intimacy of lies.

I stay here with all my

Unspoken goodbyes.

You are nothing to me,

The pleasure is fading.

You told me your name

Walking out the door.

I'm still there somehow

On my living room floor.

Is It?

"It's not the best, but it's not the worst"
And other things we say
When we get less than we want.
But is it less than we deserve?

Petty Purification

She's a parody of a person,
Selling health in a bag,
Hocking a life style via Internet
No one can afford.

She promotes "well being"
Like kale can save your soul,
But a juice cleanse and granola mix
Won't make you whole.

#NoMakeup selfies,
Pictures of the dogs
Eating vegan treats.
We're all just filthy animals
Who crave meat.

Go

You know what,
Listen.
Fuck you for thinking I'm disposable.
Fuck you for not caring the way I care.
Fuck you, I'm tired of making excuses,
And taking all the blame.
If you don't need me, then go.
If you don't want me, then go.
Then go fuck yourself.

Wild

You look at me and see a wild thing.
And I am.
A child of the forest,
A warrior of the first people.
Men like you look at me and see
A creature to tame
Or to kill.
A woman without fear,
Without respect,
Without submission.
You look at me and see a wild thing.
And I am.
With your throat between my teeth,
Only then will I smile.

Do Not Disturb

I'm just a girl
Traumatized by nothing
Reliving, not the trauma,
But the feeling that remained.

It all just feels a part of me now,
Inescapable identity.
Without it, I don't know what's left.

Shaped by daily abuse,
Weekly torment,
And then all the death...
My personality is a bruise
And life is the hammer.

You enshrine me,
But you know nothing,
Revealing only base desire
For the image of a girl disturbed.

Murderer

You take for granted the life in front of you
And call me a murderer.
You close your eyes to atrocities
Yet I am the demon
And my life is forfeit
To your beliefs.
A woman is just a vessel
For mankind to use and fill,
Not autonomous or given free will.
How long till I am as important
As the cells bundled inside of me?

Iowa

Where am I going?
Where have I been?
Everything looks the same to me.
How do you know where to turn?

Fucking gravel roads.
Fucking corn fields.

No.

Sorry I didn't want to fuck
On a basement floor.
Sorry I wanted less
When you wanted more.
Sorry for the rage in your eyes
When I politely declined.

Sorry that I apologized.

Idiot

You want a 

Fated

Destiny driven

Meet Cute moment

Everytime.

No effort or planning.

Just chance.

You're an idiot.

My Little Girl Heart

I've got nothing to give you

Nothing you'd want anyway

I've been struggling just to make it

Through another day.

I keep searching for a reason

That you might want to stay

I keep coming up empty

Cuz you always go away.

My little girl heart

Lives in fairy tales

And all the king's horses

And all the king's men

Couldn't put it back together again.

Replay

The delicious despair
Of words that understand your pain
Nothing to gain
Except misery multiplied
But it feels so good
To soak in the bad
Sometimes.

Replay.

It Felt Like

Every time you touched me
It felt like something more
Than just wonton avarice.
It felt like emotion.
Like you were searching for
Something deep inside of me
(So careful, so kind).
But in the end
(Because this is the end)
It was all nothing.
We are nothing.

Mourning

"I don't see the point in being sad
Over something that never existed,"
I say as I mourn
Everything you never became.

Virtue

In my cult they said
"Strong willed" like a curse
As if being weak
Were a virtue.
That's always been the view
Of those who wish to hurt you.

The Dirt

Do what you gotta do

Screw who you gotta screw

To get what you want

Is not a crime

And morality is just a line

You sign your name on.

And don't ever go back.

If you have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill

Never go back to that life

To the dirt you crawled away from.

Novocaine

Novocaine,
I wish you could
Numb my soul.

Time

Time flies like a vulture
Circling something dead or dying
Letting everything else gnaw at you
Before claiming what's left.

The Dream

"I'm living the dream!"
But whose dream?
And why do they dream
Such shitty dreams?
If there's one thing I excel at,
It's dreaming.
Not to boast, not to brag
But my dreams are better
Than this endless drag.
So why am I stuck
Living in this dream?

POS

Do you miss me like I miss you?

Like a part of your soul is missing?

Probably not, you piece of shit.

Outflung

She is joy

And she is wild

She dances just like a child

With her arms outflung

Laughing at the sky.

Roving Soul

I pick you up, I put you down
I know you'll always be around
When I am ready to begin again.

I carry on like it is fine
There's no trouble writing lines
But filler drives me to tears.

Oh I'm such a roving soul
Oh I have such fickle fingers
Oooh my mind it wanders
But it always wants to return.

I pick you up, I dust you off
A little rusty from neglect
Lucky I'm a good beginner

I dip the brush, I spread the paint
I still remember what to do
So obsessed for today with you.

Oh I'm such a roving soul
Oh I have such fickle fingers
Oooh my mind it wanders
But it always wants to return.

I wish that I could love just one
Have a burning passion for
Not a "Jack of All" situation.
I wish I could master anything,
It sure would save me time
And so much frustration.

Born Again

Condemn me with one hand
Jerk off with the other.
You are a sacred miracle
Everything about you is sin.
Fully responsible victim
Evil incarnate birth, born again.

Truth

You think you want the truth
But what you really want
Is for the truth to be palatable.
But the truth is like grizzle
And you break your teeth on it.

Present Company

Was there a before?
I can only feel the after.

Rich White Man

Preconceived notions

Thoughtless oceans

Inhumanity we swim

Everything we doubt within

Is without doubt, a sin

Against the human ego's fall

The rich white man within us all.

Fickle Friend

I think you put on different faces

For the different people in your life.

I think you hate the things

You love about yourself.

I think you can be a brilliant clown 

And a shitty fickle friend.

Anyway, I miss you, Asshole.
When do you come to town again?

Phoenix

Like a phoenix I will rise

From the ashes of this life

Tonight I have gone lower

Than I ever thought I would

All that's left to do is

Burn myself alive

And live again.

Belief

I believe in reinvention
I believe in best intention
I believe in breaking convention
But I don't believe in you.

Leftovers

Let me borrow some love

Some warmth

Some tenderness

Or call me a thief

Stealing in the night

What I need to survive.

Just the little bits

You don't need, won't miss,

Just your leftover love

While I sit here and bleed.

Weirdo

I was just a weirdo
Just a silly sullen girl
And he was just the sun
The moon, and all the stars.
But now he's gone
And I'm still here
And after all these years
I think I might be fine.

Saturday, 4 A.M.

It's 4 A.M. on a Saturday,
Obviously I'm drunk.
That doesn't mean I like you
Any less.

I'm texting you because
You never text me first,
And at 4 A.M. I'm drunk
And hopeful.

But I'm getting nowhere,
You barely text back.
You can only think to ask
"Are you drunk?"

Well if I wasn't drunk
Then I'd want to be,
Your response isn't inspiring.
I give up.

I Don't Want You

You don't think you're too old

You don't think you're too weird

You don't think you're too bald

You don't even trim your beard

But you want me want me want me

You don't think you're too broke

You don't think you're too drunk

You don't think you're too much

You don't even have a job

But you want me want me want me

I don't think I'm too pretty

I don't think I'm too good

I don't think I'm too smart

I don't even have heath care

But I don't want you want you want you

Please

I have a cautious, guarded heart
It is so easily torn apart
So if I let down my walls
Hand you all the tools
All the deadly weaponry
You might need to destroy me
...please don't.

I want to believe your eyes
And the words you whisper
Between my thighs
So if I lay it all bare
If I give you all the keys
To bring me to my knees
...please don't.

All I can do is ask,
All I can do is plead.

Please let me believe in love
Please let it all be true
Please let me be in love with you.

Eyes Shut

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear

Tell me everything you hope, you hate, you fear

I want to crawl inside and analyze

On top, jaw drop, all lies stop

You can be my salvation

Dirty little desecration

Soul rotting desiccation

I'll sew your eyes shut to any other kind of love.

Ballad of a Slut

I just want a boy to fuck when I'm drunk

Hold me close and smell my hair

Tell me that I'm funny and smart

Not bare me his whole damn heart.

I just want a boy to screw when I'm blue

Something warm to hold on to

Not too pretty and not too bright

Just some company for a night.

If that's you then come on down

I'll be out on the town

Drinking swill and poking fun

Maybe you could be the one...

Nah.

I just want a girl to fuck when I'm drunk

Kiss me soft and make me bold

Tell me that I'm sharp as a knife

Not share me her whole damn life.

I just want a girl to bone when I'm stoned

Lie through her teeth and bend the knee

Flatter me with bedroom eyes

Loud exclaims and short goodbyes.

If that's you then come on down

I'll be out on the town

Drinking swill and poking fun

Maybe you could be the one...

Nah.

If you're looking for a girl

For a whole new world...

Look elsewhere, Hon!

I'm just looking for some fun!

Heartbroken

I'm gonna color my hair

Buy some new underwear

Listen to a different music genre

Because my soul is restless

And my heart is broken.

Someone (quick!)

Get me out of this drama.

Write me a new song

Direct a better life

Bring me a big bong

And a cheap sweet wine

To mend this heart of mine.

I'm gonna go out tonight 

And maybe start a fight

Or dance it out with tequila shots

Because my soul is restless 

And my heart is broken.

Someone (quick!)

Let me out of this drama.

Write me a new song

Direct a better life

Bring me a big bong

And a cheap sweet wine

To mend this heart of mine.

To mend this heart of mine

Let's do another line...

To mend this heart of mine.

Just Kids

Try to remember

We were just kids

Everything new and

Unprepared for.

No sage advice

Or everlasting love

Our brains were trained

By Scantron tests

And movie dialogue.

The lyrics to

Our favorite songs

Only did us wrong

Because we didn't understand.

I Wish

I wish I could be nice
Like everyone else.
I wish I understood
When people say things.

I wish I could be mean
Like everyone else.
I wish they understood
When I don't say things.

I wish I could be close
Instead of closed.
I wish I could be most
Instead of almost.

I wish.
I wish.
I wish.

Cons

I'm bad at drugs

I never lie

I often wish that I would die

I'm always late

I can't commit

And I'm a lazy screw.

I don't cook

I barely clean

Exaggerate what I have seen

I'm a narcissist

And I can't resist

A good old reminisce.

I'm a godless heathen

I don't stray from

What I believe in.

I talk too much and

When I have nothing good to say

I'll say it anyway.

I'm a fixer not a listener

I'm a smoker not

A fucking quitter.

I'm a hypocrite

But I'm cool with it

I meant it at the time.

But won't you love me anyway

Tell me that I'll be okay

Someone else can surely see

That's not all there is to me.

Although my cons outweigh my prose

I'm more than just a list.

Web M.D.

I could just be scaring myself late at night
But instead of monsters, it's illness.
Every cursor click, I'm further
Down the rabbit hole.
Every symptom a tarot card,
An astrological reading.
But this doesn't feel like a scary story
Fit for everyone.
It feels like
Past present future
Truth.
Turns out I'm already
Dead.

Heavy

Heavy

Everything you lost weighs
More than you could have guessed
In your chest.

Heavy

Don't drop your burdens
They break into more cargo
To carry.

Heavy

Labor for your pains
Just ignore the feelings until
They're buried.

Get Off

I'm not part of the landscape
I'm a visitor in this topography
I'm just trying to smoke a cigarette
So kindly get off me.

I know I shouldn't discriminate
I know ugly is just a label
But you freak me out
So fucking get off me.

Fly away to something brighter
Crawl back to whatever hell you're from
Get away from my face, out of my hair
Just fucking get off me.

Happy Birthday

Clouds like cotton balls
In a baby blue sky.
The sun touches down to
Rolling green fields,
Row by row intersected by
The roads I'm traveling,
And small crumbling towns
That feel like home.

Silence

There is no silence if you listen.

Inside, the machines hum,
And the fans whir,
And water burbles through a pipe
Somewhere.

Outside, the lights have a whine,
And the crickets keen,
And a dog howls in the distance.
Trucks rush by in their hurry
So even the wind has something to add
-Whoosh.

Loudest of all are the thoughts
That scream and wail
With toddler-like enthusiasm
Inside of my head.
Persistent, relentless.

All I want is silence.

Shit Head

Never had much luck
With men named Matt
Last one told me he liked
That I didn't have a cat
What kind of fucking shit head
Says a thing like that?

First time I got drunk
I was fingered by a Matt
His nails were too long
And after all of that
Sobering hanky panky
It hurt when I sat.

My first crush was
A boy named Matt
Pummeling him lovingly
With my stuffed cat
I should've known by his whines
That's not where love was at.

A rose by any other name...
Well, it's not a fucking Matt.

Smile

Smile, Sweetie
Ugly is offensive
If you have an opinion
I'll get defensive
Your body is art
I want to own
You smiled at me
Won't leave you alone
Sleep with me
But don't be a slut
If you dress provocative
I'll slap that butt
If you should object
You're an upright prude
Try to reject me
Well that's just rude.

That Other Winged Thing

Cigarettes and coffee
Orange juice for the tears.
We puff and puff and pass
But this feeling never lasts.
Instead of circling together,
We threw secrets like stones
And tore apart a body,
A remembrance,
Feathers everywhere,
And flew our separate ways.

Closure

Things will never be the same
And if this feeling had a name
I might be closer
To something like closure
But I've never been one
To close doors or memories or pain.
And I'm always leaving lights on
In the car and the house, in my brain.
If ever you should return to me,
You'll let that guide you through
The cold, the dark, the rain.
I might let you stay to explain,
But things will never be the same.

Dirty Talk

Pretty boy, you're throwing joy
Around like birthday confetti.
You are marmalade in my mouth
Too sweet to eat every day.
You are a house full of Xmas lights
And I can't wait to turn you on
Then take you down and
Put you in a box in the attic.
You always say such pretty words
To me and all the other girls
But I can't give you any dirty talk
My hips say more than my lips can
And yours isn't the biggest cock,
But it really has grown on me.

Pretty boy, the lights are low
The music is jumping in my chest.
You are the brightest thing in the room
Looking directly at you hurts.
And the feel of you so soft against me
Saying such pretty dirty nothings
Nothing I haven't heard before
But still quite fun to hear in the moment.
You are a ball pit and a bouncy house,
So much fun if only I were younger
But I am a shark tank full of hunger
And you are bleeding every time.
You know I won't do dirty talk,
When you are dirty poetry.

Angst

Embrace the angst of your youth.
Every embarrassing moment
Has the beauty of a thousand
Cringes.

And that person who wouldn't
Leave your hysterical brain,
You wanted with near physical pain,
Twinges.

Remember but never relive.
Analyze, and maybe forgive
Yourself of the sin of being young and
Naive and full of hormonal imbalance.

And love yourself now
Every why and every how
Because someday you might recall,
With wonder, that you survived.

Drunk Feet

I dreamed about you last night,
You put my drunk feet on your feet
And together we danced.
And though it's not a thing
You actually would do,
I finally felt like I was home again,
Dancing and drinking with you.

Free Fall

All the damage I keep stroking,
The dying embers needing stoking.
The jagged edges of my past,
The poison apples, the broken glass.
Unnecessary, dangerous protections.
Deluded self projections.
But I don't want to fix myself.
If I am not falling apart
Then what am I?

Blame

You belong to another
But I don't care
Legs wrapped all around you
Hands in your hair
You like a little rough touch
You like a little too much
And I'm the one expected
To explain.

I belong to no one
But I don't care
Wrap my legs around
Anyone I dare
I like a little rough touch
I like a little too much
Why should I be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Why am I the one you want
To blame?

You belong to another
But you don't care
Wrap your arms around me
You pull my hair
You like a little rough touch
You like a little too much
And I'm the one expected
To explain.

Do we belong to anyone?
And do we care?
She's putting white flowers
All in her hair
She thinks she owns your touch
She thinks of you too much
Why should I be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Why am I the one you want
To blame?

How you look her in the eye
No, I don't know
Feed her all those little lies
Put on a show
The scratches from my fingers
My perfume on you lingers
Oh I can't be expected
To explain.

Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On me
Shame shame shame
On you
I am not the only one
To blame!

Snow Day

I think I could love you
But maybe not today
The light has turned a shade of gray
Filtered through the falling snow
And I'm not ready to leave my shell
There isn't room in this hell
For two.

Uncolor Me Blue

Did I ever tell you
You're not my hero
And I'm better without you,
You're a fucking zero.

Did I ever mention
All the good was erased
And sorry means nothing now
You lied to my face.

And how could you not know
That I fucking hate you?
Please just leave me alone
Uncolor me blue.

Clutter

It's all about low wattage lighting
Warm colors,
And clutter.
That's all you loved about me then.
That's all you love about me now.
I'm warm when I'm a friend
But you wouldn't like me in a
Halogen.
And there's no comfort in
Sterile, barren rooms.
There's no soul in those
Well decorated tombs
Some people call a home.
You loved me then because I was a home
You wanted to live in.
After all your drug worn journeys I am still the same,
That's all you love about me now.
But I am not a home,
I am just a lazy, messy girl
Who can't throw away the words
All over her floor and
You are a much bigger mess
Than I ever want to clean up. 

Boredom

Sometimes I fall in love
Instead of being bored
I tell myself I feel a thing
I've never felt before
This time it is true
Real and strong and how
Have I never realized
He's been there all along
Right before my eyes
And I picture a kiss
A heated dance
Map out a whole romance
A life and death and then
I find that I am bored again.

Success

What are these things you possess
Direction and purpose
Hard work, motivation, success?
I can only seem to stumble through life
Like a drunkard through the night
Happy enough I ended up
Home in my own warm bed.
What is this magic you possess
That made things go the way you planned?
If I made a plan, the universe would surely
Shake the whole world with it's laughter.
The chaos that made us all
Made you exhibit A and me exhibit B
Here the one who will excel
And here the one...well, we'll see.

Lover Think

Lover think
I'll have another drink
And wait for you to see
How drunk I need to be
With you.

Aberration

You are a strange aberration
In this land of potted plants
And cookie cutter houses
Where the girls like mouses
Breathe a long sigh of resignation.
You resign yourself to keep on growing
All the seeds you are sowing
You are a strange apparition.

Con quist ador

I am a conquistador
You can't ignore
You must adore
My subtle war
I wage with emotion
Ransom your devotion
Cross the largest ocean
For gold and glory
Infamous story
Of my victory.

Ah.

Sucking at your mettle
Your marrow
This is just an extension
Of my personality
Freeform jazz
Playing through my tongue
You can't even articulate
Comprehend
Inhumanity in my pose
I just have to laugh
At the way you scrunch
Your nose.
Mouths are the masters
Of men in repose.

More

You were a thing I dreamed about
When I found what dreams were for
And then a thing I cried about
When my dreams were nothing more.

Fine

You packed up and left

Did you even look back?

Not a word said to me

When I was such a wreck

So now in my mind

You are just DEAD

And I'm done mourning

You're outta my head.

Don't worry 'bout me, I'm gonna be fine.

Has anyone seen my piece of mind?

Steady as a rock stuck firm in the ground.

You say I'm all talk, but you're not around

To pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

Don't worry 'bout me, I don't need a heart.

It's easy for me

To move on with my life

As easy as you

And your ugly ass wife

Cuz now in my mind

You are just DEAD

Your fucking snoring

Is outta my bed.

Don't worry 'bout me, I'm gonna be fine.

Has anyone seen my piece of mind?

Steady as a rock stuck firm in the ground.

You say I'm all talk, but you're not around

To pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

Don't worry 'bout me, I don't need a heart.

I'm gonna be
Fine fine fine
Even though you're not
Mine mine mine.
Just give me some
Wine,
And I'll show you I'm
FINE.

Wake Up

Wake up
Put on a clean old shirt
Pretend the world
Doesn't make me hurt

Don't look
At those around me
Their pain displayed
For anyone to see
The raw nerves
Unshielded flesh
Stick a fork in me
I'm done.

Go to sleep
In the same old shirt
Dream a world
Where I am unhurt
See a friend
I forgot long ago
Jump off a cliff
Land in Mexico
The soft fall
The open air

Wake up
Put on the same old day
Pretend there is
Something new to say.

I Think, Therefore...

He says I think too much
But to me that is like saying
You exist too much
How could a thought ever be too much,
But a kiss or touch too little?

He says I'm afraid to be hurt
And maybe that's true
But why is it wrong to be safe with a heart?

There is a quiet
To being alone
A peace so often overlooked
In the worry of being lonely.

Is a life lived alone less valid, less real
Than a love of convenience
For a body to hold at night?


Don't mind me, I think too much. 

Crooked Hands

These crooked hands

The things they hold

Turn to ash

Never gold

My crooked fingers

Around your heart

Bleeding trash

Work of art.

This crooked grasp

Weakly grips

Will not smash

Slowly slips.

These crooked hands

The things they make

Sure to crack

Always fake.

Old Friend

Hello, old friend
Despair
It's been a while since
You crawled inside my chest
And reached your arms out
Wide.
You're welcome to my hopes and dreams
It was silly of me to have them
Anyway.

Bodies

Go on girl, you're in charge
Don't have to lie on your back to be somebody.
'Cause some body
Won't make you who you are.
You've the right to be more than just broken...

So stomp on the bodies that line up for you
Like a zombie horde waiting to devour you.
Take what they have and make it your own
You've got yourself, and you're not all alone.

Dog-pile Days

It's hard to accept that we are never going back
To the dog-pile carefree comfort of
Each other's bodies and laughter
Unreserved enthusiasm, unrestrained bluster
Secrets unfolded, examined, accepted.
In retrospect we are all an eternal summer,
A Kinkade cottage I wish to climb in and stay
But reality shows how fragmented we've become
Too betrayed and scarred to ever be the same.

Tacky Girl

Tacky girl
Your laughter is grating
Kindly give it a PG rating
And stop molesting my ears.
Cheesy predictable troll
Like a radio DJ, so loudly saying
Nothing of worth
And trying to cling to my
Sensible shoestrings
Tripping over your own
Badly shod hooves
Which reside orally.
So quickly you bray
At what any boy might say
As though that chalkboard feeling
Were somehow appealing.
And no color dress can
Compliment your lack of charm,
It's just a bit of fabric,
Not a piece of magic.
Cherie, listen to me,
That shade of desperation
Really isn't in this season.

Unforgiven

If I ever forgive you
What will that mean?
How can this resentment,
Hoarded up and stored
In jagged angry cages,
Ever just dissipate
Or blow away?

Such heavy matter must combust
To melt down and mold
Into something else altogether.

But this is all just speculation
For I never will absolve you
Even if I am crushed
By my own bitter trove.

Heart Of Gold

The problem with a heart of gold
Is how it's always bleeding
Bits of fortune everywhere
And someone's always needing
More and more for a low low cost
More attention, more tasteless feeding
And these demands will never cease
Until your heart has no more beating.

Crashing

When everything is going well
And the skies are clearing up
The weather's turning warm
And abundance is within reach

Just wait.

When the other shoe drops
You'll touch the broken glass and wonder
How you stay put together
When everything else

Crashes down.

Desire

You think you deserve me
As though I were some prize
Given for your acts of mediocrity.
You merely desire me
Like a child in the candy aisle
But your desire means less to me
Than a sticky bag of taffy.
Your desire deserves nothing.
And no one will ever deserve me.

Heavy Old Sweater

I will always feel like this
I have always felt like this
This is all I can feel
This feeling is all I can think of
And your questions fly past me
And your worry is muffled
Because your smiles are noisy
And I don't want to hear your pity
I don't want to be consoled
I just want to wrap this heavy old sweater
This heavy old feeling around me
And stop.

Only In Dreams

When I feel like dancing
I can dance to anything
And when I feel like drowning
I sink so deep I'll never be clean.
But now I feel like sleeping
To disappear in dreams.

Excuses

I'm creative.
I need a lot of sleep.
I'd rather spend my time
On something deep.
It doesn't bother me.
Can't find it if it's put away,
Plus it feels so empty.
Cleaning every day is crazy!

But mostly I'm just lazy.

Piece By Piece

Here's a piece of my body
Shyly, selectively showcased
For your admiration or scorn.
I watch your face intently(discreetly)
Not wanting to know, but needing
...validation?
Something not given freely
Since prodigious youth.

Here's a piece of my mind
I cringingly offer for your amusement.
My self-sense, bipolar and distorted.
Here is my pride.
And here are my failures.

Here is a piece of my heart,
Though it may only seem a song,
This is the tune that runs through me.
If the tone and the timbre
Could only convey-
You would know me.

Piece by piece you would know me.

Stippled Ceiling

I lie on the floor and listen to Nina Simone
Break my already broken heart
I listen to her wail, her moan
Staring at my stippled ceiling

Her voice makes me feel a little less alone
The spinning stops and I start
Making a song of my own
Until my heart starts healing

Older

Everybody's growing up
But I'm just growing older
Never really known true love
My heart's just growing colder
I've known obsession and regret
I've had a couple friends like you.

Now it's almost Spring again
When everything begins, renews
But I have always hated Spring
For everything we lose.
With all this growing up
I keep on losing you

To the day after day after day after days
And all this growing up
Leaves less time for magic
And mythos and adventure.
I just want some mystery to remain
I hope you do too.

At Least

You make me feel such joy
And I know it's just a
Chemical reaction
But it's surging through me
I'm taking/making action
Just a bouncing faceless fan
But I know we all are
In love with at least four men.

Little Things

Under your thumb
I learn your many faces
Dragged to all these different places
Each time I think they'll change
This time for the better
I really should know better

But it's the little hopes
The little things
I cling to when I'm little

Under your thumb
I learn to have no faces
A mask of self control replaces
Fear and hate and love exchange
This time is no better
It never gets any better

It gets a little worse
The little things
Are only getting bigger

I grow more defiant
The less that I'm reliant
And your ever changing favor
Leaves nothing left to savor
And the lessons may stay
But I'll never see your faces again.

It is the little dreams
The little things
That don't keep me so little.

Blackberry Indifference

If I could bottle the moment I fell
Out of love with your skinny lovely soul
I bet it would taste like blackberry wine
And indifference.
How fickle I must be to let
All of your adoring toothy smiles
Trickle through my fingers like diamonds
While clinging to my rhinestones.

You Never Did Care

shake me up
I'll shake you off my
sleeves are meant to warm your
arms can wrap around and feel so
safe inside you
safe in your embrace
but you're not my
only lover, my only
love me, love me not
I can only take so 
much of what I say is a 
lie to me, please won't you just
say you love me even though
you speak so softly when 
you speak so gently I want to
scream obscenities at your
form a coherent thought for your
conscience is a wearisome thing and
don't be fooled by the things that I 
say that you love me when
you never did care.

*Found this in my Facebook notes of all places...which I obviously haven't paid any attention in years. I remember I used to make a lot a poems in this format (beginning a line with the ending word of the last) and felt so clever. I still do.

Growing Up

The truth is I don't get too enthused for anything anymore.
Everything is a compromise of the original intent
Weighed against the sleep debt I'll owe
and the amount of sighing I can get away with
without hating myself.
I wonder if this is growing up?

What This Is

There is something about sharing the same skin
That feels like
Something.
I don't have a word for it yet
But it feels like
You're mine and you're me
And my dreams are in your head
And there's a right kind of wrong to us
That feels like
Something.
But this is not about love.
I don't know what this is.

Vultures

I had a dream last night
We were all convened
At a church to meet and greet
And atone for all our crimes

We looked upon each other
Found no truths, no resolution
Wearing the faces of our youth
Every blink was a tactic
Every breath a war.

I have grown too tired
For these petty, pointless games
But they are always playing
With the same worn deck of cards.
Even in my dreams we are not friends
We are vultures.

We picked through the remains
Of a million conversations
Reciting our dead memories
Regurgitating dialogue

We fed upon each other
Found no peace, no satisfaction
Sharpening beaks upon the pews
Every offer a tactic
Every truce a war.

I have grown too tired
For these petty, pointless games
But they are always playing
With the same worn deck of cards.
Even in my dreams we are not friends
We are vultures.

See

I don't see what you see,
I only see a reflection.
So I don't know what you love
Or find lovely about me.
I only see a collection
Of shapes and colors and flaws.

In My Leaving

I was born holding too many worries
Bearing the guilt of all their judgments
Side cast eyes and whispers above my head
Knowing a rejection I'd yet to earn
A perilous infraction, just existing.

So in my leaving I will be empty of
All the many things others think I should carry
And haul about for the inspectors of eternity.
I will throw them all to the crowds like confetti
And leave as the child I never was in youth.

Like This

I know grief and it feels like this
Forever falling into an abyss
But it's not as dramatic as
The words used to describe it

Grief is felt in the voice no longer heard
In eyes that will never look into thine again
And all the things they held within
Hopes and plans and worlds all vanish
Because this is what those we miss are made of
Dreams and possibilities we all are made of
And then are not, and then is nothing.

Grief is feeling all the nothing left
Where everything once was whole.
I know grief and it feels like this
It feels like lack and emptiness.

Nothing

There are words
And attraction
And eyes that speak louder
And hips that collide
With precision
And lips that meet and bruise
With intent
But I feel nothing
And the words pass through me
And I see nothing in those eyes
I feel nothing from those careful hands
So softly pleading for release
Because I feel nothing.

A Heart

I have a tiny heart of quartz
Hanging from a silver chain
It's cold and smooth and nice to touch
But it doesn't do very much

I have a heart of ink
Always hanging from my sleeve
It's purple and black and pretty to see
But it's not the one inside of me.

I don't know what that heart is made of
Stone or ink for all the good it does
It doesn't lead me anywhere and
I only feel a distant sort of love.

And it's shallow beat sounds less like a drum
Than the erratic chirp of dripping faucet.
My blood, I think, runs colder than most
In a slushing muddy stream.

Or maybe it's just a normal heart
Doing an average thing.
Maybe it's my head that's numb
And too abused to care.

Beige

Cigarette on my lips
Alcohol drowned liver
When the time comes
To leave for good and ever
I don't care if I'm on
The wrong side of a needle,
Don't let me die with beige nail polish
On my fingertips.

I don't care why
I don't care when
In disgrace or utter ruin
Just
Don't let me die with beige nail polish
On my fingertips.