BLEEDING ON THE CARPET

intricate.

2012-01-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

intricately woven

like threads
hand
sown
   each
and
   every
one.
How to be woven
and
Sown all at once?
Morning bright colors are
So
Distracting
when your
EYES
can't seem to

focus

like a dirty lense clogging your
view
Or the
way
I long
for
you
move and unmove
me
(or something like that)
with uncountable unreachable promises that are not
spoken even through those melancholic eyes of yours. So perhaps it's all in my head...perhaps it's better that way...

That way
it's
alright that
I'm

DEAD.

Who needs drugs w/an imagination as swell as mine?
Who needs drink when you already stink with obsession so refined?
I hear the music floating....
effervescently
and
I
   F
    A
        L
       L
flailingly
arms
all
a   f   l   u   t   t   e   r
until
i
am
unerringly
back
to
my pretty little blanket world
hand sown by the good, honest, indiginous peoples of...

wherever.

BACK

2012-01-09T00:20:00.000-08:00

I want you back
Back in my life, back in my heart
Back in my pants.
I want you back
Packing in Europe with me by your side
With me as your ride.
I want you back
the way you were, the way we were
When you had my back.

SUSPECT

2012-01-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

Innocence is now a vanity
Pure intent or no
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect.
He swooped in
Black coat, black hood, black gloves
Hollowed out eyes
And stole my trust away.
Everyone is a suspect
Everyone is suspect
Because nothing is clear
And no one is here
To hold my hand.

MORE NOTHING

2012-01-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

They say to be open
To life and all it's possibilities
I don't knowt how much more open to be
Nothing ever flies into me
Nothing ever woos or tackles me
All I've opened to is
Nothing and more nothing.
The windows are all painted shut
The doors are all locked
The keys hidden around someone's neck
Tiny metal nooses
Keeping us forever in separation.
I've tried meditation
I've tried sedation
But I only fall farther and farther in
And nothing opens
And nothing slams shut
I'm left with only the same quiet room
Full of nothing and more nothing.

AWAY

2011-12-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

Loss is just another state
And I've named mine Away.
My great grandmother went to Away
on an extended stay
Just like my baby teeth
And my virginity.
They sit out in the sun
On sandy stretches of beach
with umbrellas in their drinks
Chatting with my socks
and earring backs.
I get postcards from Away
Always blank on the one side
And the picture is of that sandy beach
Full of all I've left behind.
My first kiss likes to make
Sandcastles with my first best friend
And my eyelashes form a conga line
With my fingernail clippings.
You are on that sandy shore
Making stiff mojitos
You pour them out and wave at me
On a postcard from Away.

RESTRAINT

2011-12-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

Awkward like
Urine running down your leg
A family trait
Multivariate
Always slapping me with that glove
you know
Restraining orders are a
Barrier to love.

BITTER

2011-12-11T04:49:00.000-08:00

When I'm mad at you
My world is smaller
And the hurt grows bitter
And spoils like rotten meat.
You mix with the bile in my stomach
and make me sick.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.
I won't be mad at you
Forever, it's a long time
When the hurt for you
Overturns the hurt from you
I'll return
Bearing just another open wound.
I can only live like this
I will only live like this
So long.

THE BEST I CAN (RESISTABLE MAN)

2011-11-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

I can't be tied down to
Someone so resistable
You never made
My heart beat fast
This love of ours can't last
It never even was.
Empty of promise
Unwilling to compromise
We spent all our time together
Daydreaming of a way out
But it always seemed so
Tedious, tiresome
Finding a new home
For my books
And my heart
I never could figure
Where to start
Looking for a real romance.
Always went down
The wrong road with
The wrong man but
I'm just doing
The best I can.

STUPID

2011-10-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with you the day you left
You couldn't have loved me less.
You used up all the stores
Saved those lonely years.
Threw them all away on me.

Love is just another word for stupid.
"I fell in stupid with you"
"You are the stupid of my life"
Are just a few examples of
How stupid stands for love.

And Momma was right when she said
Beware, the poor man who falls for you.
And Momma was right when she said
Hard hearts break more thoroughly.
And Momma was right about a lot of things,
Including you.

BLONDES ARE MORE FUN

2011-10-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

If you leave me alone
I'll know you care
Because I can't stand
Your long blonde hair.
It glints and gleams
Under the sun
like bright angelic
Unearthly fun.
My hair is dark
Thick and brown
like my face
it seems to frown
And curl away from
The golden glare
Of your insouciant
long blonde hair.

GROWING

2011-10-17T00:48:00.000-07:00

Like branches of the same tree
We started out together
But the years grew us apart
You reached out and up
To flourish in the sun
While I hung back
settled in the shade
Of the many other branches nearby.
Though we both weathered
Winters and storms
But a few feet apart
The distance hurts like continents of space
And your fruit drops large and sweet
While mine remains hard and tart
Throughout the summers unyielding heat.
And I would never begrudge
The way you thrive
Because despite my shady past
I've managed to stay alive.

LONGING

2011-10-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Searching the room for your face in the crowd
Will I ever stop looking
Will I ever stop hoping
Your eyes will catch mine and their depths will hold joy
Instead of indifference?

INSIDE

2011-10-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who's the fairest of them all?"
"Not you," says he.
"Not I," says me.
"But alas," he replied
"No shame to hide,
We are all pink inside."

FULL (MUCH TOO FULL)

2011-10-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Everything is full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Alcohol and laughter on their lips
a vulgar, empty need in their eyes.
I am taken in by that need.
I am taken in by that emptiness.
To be so blank
If only for a night
Is bliss unknown.
My mind is always full
Of brooding, long lost rooms
Orange tinted like old photographs
Of sunny days.
His lips, hard and moistened on mine
His eyes closed and careless -
I drink him like a beverage with mine.
If only for a night
This bliss is mine.
Tomorrow I will open
My eyes one by one.
Tomorrow thought will return
With the chirp of birds and sun.
And everything will be full
Much too full of light and noise
And bodies crowding
Once again.

LONELINESS AS A SOUND

2011-10-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

I sound lonely?
How does loneliness sound?
Especially in the absence of sound
(You have only text to go by).

I would imagine it sounds pretty quiet.

But just because you got yourself a honey,
Don't presume it's any sort of antidote
For the loneliness in me.

Significant others don't do a thing.
Only I can determine my happiness of self
and I have decided to remain
unhappy and alone.

MOSTLY

2011-10-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

A simple frustration
Mostly about control
And lack
And loss
And a love for a concept
For a construct of flesh
And blood
And bone
How many restless nights
Full of troubled dreams
Of you
Of me
And the silences in between.

I MISS YOU

2011-09-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

The breeze becomes an echo of a whisper in my ear
when your voice is all I want to hear,
and it almost makes sense
if I listen hard enough.

If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
beneath the dirt, the cement, the cloth that covers your cold dead flesh.
If I listen hard enough, I can hear your heart
and how it doesn't beat.

I miss you when the sun shines down arrogantly. I miss you when the stars are bright and the moon smiles leeringly. I miss you when the snow dances dizzily down to the earth. I miss you when the rain taps pleadingly at my window. I miss you now, my eyelids heavy with sleep.

If I close my eyes, I can almost believe you're still here.
If I listen hard enough, I can almost
Forget
You're gone.

I miss you.

Behind The Mask

2011-09-21T00:08:00.000-07:00

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

Your wings don't fool me
Your halo is slipping
I see behind the mask,
The angelic front
You are just a man
A man I don't wanna know.

Though you offer redemption
Though you promise salvation
The blood on your palms
looks like paint to me
You are just a man
And I'm not satisfied

Cuz I know where to find salvation
I know how to make it right
I know what to do with my devotion
But it is not your Christ.

Capture me inside a box
Limit me to just one life
Guarantee I won't come back
I'll subscribe to that.

SHADES OF THE FALL

2011-09-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've had a few moments to
Collect myself
I've had a few years to gain
Some mental health
And I should be all better
But I should've known better

Because around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated.

I've had a few years to gain perspective
It's been a few times I've been rejected
I should be used to how this feels
But sunburnt skin often peels

And around you

I become a shade of myself
And that shade is grey
And that shad is mauve
And that shade is taupe
And that shade is stupid and hated
And underappreciated

But you never saw me
No you never saw me
When I spent all my summers obsessing over you
I spent all my winters obsessing over you
I spent all my springs in love with you
And all I've left is the fall

All I am is the fall
-I am falling, I have fallen-
Because first kisses don't mean
"I love you"
And second base doesn't mean
"I'll hold you forever"
But in the end you know
I lied
When I said I have
Never cried

Over you.

NEVER GO BACK

2011-09-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

Don't know why I let you use me like you did
Don't know why I forgave what I shouldn't forgive
Couldn't say why I let you abuse my heart
Didn't know why from the very start.

The rain is cool as it falls over me
Washes the pain into the sea
Soothes my aches with it's pitter patter
Cleanses my soul of it's guilty chatter

If wishes were roses, I'd have a garden
If kisses were jailtime, I'd have a pardon
If bruises were badges, I'd have the prize
If ruses were honest, well I'd tell no lies

If I had a brain when we first met
Would've held back my heart and used my head
Told you that I would rather be dead
Than let you abuse me like you did.

Take back all those things you said
Take back all the hurt you dealt
Give me back my legs to stand
Give me back those things I felt

Cuz I'm ready to face the day
I'm ready to walk away
And never look back,
Never go back.

HELL I KNOW

2011-09-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

Fingers in my brain
I can't survive this lifeless terrain.
Mountains of screaming devils,
Eyeless they scent my tender flesh.

Screaming, screaming, eternal torment.
Burning, scorching, torture's not silent.
Fire, brimstone, feel the hungry lick.
Gently cradle a mind turned sick.

Every day, every hour
More and more I feel it's power
So deceptive, slowly creeping
In my brain while I am sleeping
Captivating, watch me fading
Faster, faster, watch me fall.

And I am at the mercy
Of creatures who don't see me
They smell my desperation
And know I've lost my way
Who'll come to save the day?
This damsel can't help herself.

SHOW & TELL

2011-09-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

Frozen heart, you think of me
Like I don't feel, I don't grieve.
Because my eyes remain so dry
You think I have no tears to cry.

But life is not a simple thing,
He haunts me still within my dreams.
I live my life in love with death
And he the one without a breath
Took it all away in one vacant stare.
How can you say that I don't care?

If I wail and if I weep,
Toss and turn within my sleep,
Would my grief be more bonafide
Than if I'd kept it all inside?

But grief is not a simple thing,
Instead of tears I laugh and sing.
There is comedy in death
And you're the one wasting breath
Trying to decode my stare,
Telling me that I don't care.

Who the hell are you
That you know me so well?
Try to understand
We don't all like to show & tell.

THERE IS TIME

2011-09-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

There is time to explore
The criminal impulses
That you feel in your gut
When you don't ignore the voices

Just take your time, boy
Draw a line, boy
Pick the side that you won't cross
Just take the time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross

And don't cross the spear that bleeds you
Thank the nails that hold you up
For they absolve you of your sins
And make you purer than a little lamb.

Pain is simple to inflict,
Mercy needs a bigger stick.
Flaggelation is salvation
Not one need accuse you now.

There is time to make amends...

There is time, boy
Make amends, boy
To the ones that you have crossed
There is time, boy
Be a fine boy
Put your shoulder to that cross...

Walking Dead

2011-09-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

We couldn't run anymore
We were too tired and sore
You sacrificed yourself so I could live
Gave all that you could give
But I can't go on
Now that you've gone...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It was love from the start
Couldn't tear us apart
Killing zombies through the endless night
We were the life of the fight
We were the perfect pair
And it's just not fair!

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

It's just not the same without you
The laughs we had were too few
And more than your sharpshooting skills I miss
Your warm embrace and your kiss...

You only want me for my body now
I am tempted to just give in
I should just shoot you in the head
You left me for the walking dead.

COME AND GO

2011-09-13T00:27:00.001-07:00

My body is a convenience store
Take what you want, walk out the door
Pump your fuel, drive away
Come and Go, don't dare stay
Don't loiter, don't linger
I'll give you the finger
Show you the door
When you say you want more
Thankyou for the lay
Have a nice day...

PURGATORY

2011-09-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

Your girlfriend knows you love me more.
I think it shows, this love, this core.

What's the matter with me?
I can't give, not fully.
I can love, but not wholly.

We do nothing but laugh all night
Because best friends should never fight
or love too much.
Not wholly, not fully.
Not you and not me.

I love you more, I think you know
this love, this core's not safe to show.

We lie to ourselves
About the state we're in
Purgatory is a place within
When we are without love.

BLOOMING

2011-06-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

The labor of your love is
blooming all around
my hips
my thighs
my swollen lips.
With soft cries you announce
the deed is done
golden thread
spun through my degradation.

EVERY WORD

2011-06-13T04:07:00.000-07:00

I have never
and would never,
but with you I try so hard
in every glance,
every word,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
There is no rhyme or reason,
there is only this demon.
There is only this filofax of ruin,
a contact list of despair,
and I can't look, I can't seek,
I can't find
anyone who compares to you
because you are my ruin, my desolation.
You make of me nothing
and you fill me with everything
and all the stars in the sky
are dim in comparison,
and it's you.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I try so hard to hide it,
but with every word,
with every glance
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Every word is I love you.

COMING

2011-06-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

Serendipidous rush -
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Rumbling reverberation
at her core.
A rhythmic
circling flush
in the atoms of her very being.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming.
Her body is a track,
His message a transit,
Her heart a tunnel
through which he will pass.
She,
somewhere inside of her,
knows it's coming -
Inevitable crash.

SUBSERVIENCE

2011-06-10T04:13:00.000-07:00

I kneeled at your feet
and bathed them with the silk
sun-split ends of my hair
and the salty sweetness
of my tears.

I kneeled at your feet
-subservient to-
for love.

And you
patted my head, sent me away.
And you
-whom I ws subservient to-
Threw stones at me, kicked me away.

And I
watched you thin,
your flesh, your hair,
the color from your eyes,
I watched them grow dim.

And I,
with grim humor
laughed at your demise,
the failure of your romance,
and washed my hair
free of your soil(soot, filth).

JUST FORGET

2008-01-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

Do you feel like I
Abandoned you, like your father
Do you? Yeah do you?

Do I make you cry
On lonely nights when stars won't shine
Do I? Oh do I?

Do I make you feel sad
Do I remind you of...

Do you wish you'd never met me way back when?
Does the memory of me hurt you inside?
Do you wish you could hide?
Curl up and just forget.
Curl up and just forget you met me
Way back when.

Do you feel like I
Left you there high and so dry?
Do you? Yeah do you?

Do I remind you
Of quiet nights on swinging chairs
Do I? Oh do I?

Do I make you feel sad
Do I remind you of...

Do you wish you'd never met me way back when?
Does the memory of me hurt you inside?
Do you wish you could hide?
Curl up and just forget.
Curl up and just forget you met me.

I'm sorry you
I never meant you no harm
I'm just a little fucked up myself
Ya know

I'm sorry you
I never meant you no harm
I'm just a little fucked up myself
Ya know

So curl up and just forget
Curl up and just forget you met me.
Curl up...yeah curl up.
Just forget way back when.

STARS AND DIRT

2006-08-15T00:17:00.000-07:00

You turn to me (you turn to me)
your wings a leathery black
you turn to me (you turn and say)
and say
"Look not to the skies for salvation,
Look not to the skies
in fear of damnation,
Look to the north
look east, west, south...
but don't look up and don't look down
for all you'll see are stars and dirt"
Don't look down when you jump.
"My love looked down once, long ago"
said his dog-headed companion,
"she fell and drowned in an abyss of tortured
souls, and light too bright for her poor eyes
to filter. She died blind and deaf to the cries that matter."
I don't know what any of this has to do with me.
I am only hear to record, to see
when the world ends, I want to watch
as it burns, a dying star,
a decaying, hungry thing, this earth.
I want to watch the world turn to nothing.
I want it to look like what it really is.

Recycled Tears

2006-08-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

You are the cold, the wet sliding feeling
the pattering, ever gentle rolling down my flesh
you are that insistent nuzzle,
the hardening state you put me in
is the same as the
drip drip
falling incandescent life
Recycled tears.
What is in a tear?
What brings forth the saltwater
drip drip
falling incandescent death
Recycled fears?
You roll down my spine, the arch in my back
can it now define
the divine?
You are the cold, the wet sliding feeling
the pattering, ever gentle rolling down my flesh
you are that insistent nuzzle,
the hardening state you put me in
is the same as the
drip drip
falling incandescent life
Recycled tears.

AN INTERLUDE WITH DEATH

2006-07-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

What do you say to Death when he's standing beside you,
his bony, time worn hand stretched beseechingly toward you?
The gesture is almost comforting,
almost gentle.
The pleading of a lover, the insistence of a friend.
Do you tell him "No, not today,"
Do you tell him "Never, go away!"?
Can one evade Death like taxes or the Dentist?
Where would we be without an end?
The story would just never stop...
what a bore!
Death stood at my shoulder the other day
whispering sweet somethings in my ear.
They weren't words that one could hear, but I felt them loud and clear.
Death said to me, he said,
"Happiness, erase the sadness with my embrace,"
Death sang, "Come, end this pointless race...
come with me and we shall dance.
We shalll dance among the stars
We shall dance beneath the seas
We shall dance beyond it all and back again."
What do you say to an offer like that?
What do you say to Death when he's standing beside you,
his bony, time-worn hand stretched beseechingly toward you?
Can one just say "NO" to his tender caress?
Well, I shook my head, sorrow deep in my voice
I said, "I can't right now, but soon, someday soon we shall dance."
Death kissed me regretfully on the mouth
and that is why the complacent always flee from my words.
My love returns to me someday, to take me close and far away
He comes for you also,
so dress nicely, and practice your waltz.

VACANCY

2006-07-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes I lie on the dirt
your dirt
with the tiny blades of grass scratching at my arms
tickling my nose
the bugs climbing my arms
wandering in my hair
the wind whispering at my ear
I dream that I've sunken
down to you
past the six feet of dirt
through the cement
through your wooden, silk lined cradle.
I dream of sleeping safely
within your arms.
you are long dead, but it comforts me still.
you are dead, but you are mine.
is it possible for the living to haunt the dead?
i sit upon your gravesone and feel like a ghost,
i listen to the breeze
groan with the trees
i'm always near at night.
i think perhaps your soul,
that tenacious ever charcoal thing
has vacated the premises
...so i haunt your grave in your absence.
sometimes as i sit under those cold, impartial stars,
that mysterious orb named Moon,
i imagine a great wolf attacking from the shadows.
could it be Anubis,
that dog-headed underworld god?
"GO AWAY," says the Wind,
or when the Wind's at play
does it rather mean, "STAY"?
you haunt my memory, my tumultously intangible dreams,
but who's the real ghost,
you or me?

NOTHING = EVERYTHING

2006-07-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

I am everything that makes the soul wish to die.
I am loneliness, remorse, disappointment, depression, disillusionment, the unforgivable lie.
I am everything that can kindle and oppress.
I am art, I am pasion, I am unbridled love, and distress.
I am the very embodiment of the unfettered caress.
I will love you and I will scorn you
I will praise and I will mourn you
I will teach and I will learn
I will make you shiver and burn
I am everything you'll ever need, but I am nothing.
I am the void in your soul.
I am the silence, the gaping hole in-between conversations, the gnawing sense of unfinished business.
I am everything that makes the soul wish to die, and I will haunt you when you are dead.

THE IDEALISTIC DRUNK

2006-07-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

will I ever recover my
uninhibited dreams?
can childhood fantasies revisit the soul
when it's dark and filled with tar and hate?
I want to live the life unheard of
I want to be known and adored
love me love me love me
DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME
flashing signs, ringing in my ears
dizzy tumult of sound and oppressive
ADULT.
Space...
why can't I transgress one more time
i just want one more kiss
bliss is just an illusion
a simple dream to comfort the idealistic retards
like cotton candy
cupcakes
chocolate milk
pie
kitten cats
just another lie to keep the masses
-DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME-
the ringing in my ears...
If you could be another person
If you could live another life
Who would you be, what would you do,
and why can't it be you now?

ORAL FIXATION

2006-03-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

I want to lick the chocolate from your mouth
Like I'd lick the spoon after mixing
I want to lick that corner where your lips end
And my desire begins.
That unnoticed corner consumes me
For whole seconds, and minutes of the day.
You consume me in an obsessive way
That seems to have no clear beginning
And no end in sight
Lick, nibble, bite
Would you taste like vanilla?
Would you taste like rum?
Would you taste better than chocolate
On the tip of my tongue?
Your lips entrance me,
It's all I can do to break my gaze away
From that unnoticed corner,
Where the chocolate lingers,
Where the sweetness resides.
Whole seconds, minutes of my day
Fixated on you
The secret corners you keep
I want to lick them away.

FRIGID BITCH

2006-03-05T02:26:00.000-08:00

She's so afraid of what could be
And she's so afraid of what will never be,
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid.
The cold seeps deeper, so much deeper
Than skin deep
And the frost it lingers inside her heart
Because she's so afraid of what could be
So afraid of what will never be
Inside her heart.
There are all of the could've been's
And should've done's
That will never go away,
All of the reckless opportunities wasted
In that backward glance,
And she'll never get them back.
She remembers the sound of his heart at her ear
The way her breathing matched his
The way his warmth melted her down,
And she's so afraid of what could've been,
So afraid of what will never be,
So afraid of what there is now
Inside her heart.
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid
To let it all out,
She's so afraid to shout
And move on in a world that makes her shiver,
In a world that makes her cry.
Maybe if she doesn't speak,
Maybe if she keeps it all under lock
Then everything will be forgotten...
She's so easily forgotten...
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid,
She's so afraid to live.

DEVASTATION

2006-02-11T00:57:00.000-08:00

If I devastate you,
Will it make me feel better?
If I pretend to hate you
Will it make easier the loss
Of your touch
That I love so much,
Those secret looks
When your eyes have hooks?
If I lie to you
And degrade your perception of me,
Will it be a lighthearted matter,
Me, the condom wrapper?
At least you'll never know
That you really broke my heart.
At least you'll never see
How much you devastate me.
It might have been a car crash
But at least I'll be the one driving away
While you're stuck bleeding behind the wheel.
If I devastate you,
It may not make me feel better,
But it just may make you feel worse.

SOUR

2006-02-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Discordant without remorse
A sour sound
Where do we go to now?
The melody is gone
And so is the soul.
Embittered black hole
Is all that's left.

A LONG WAY

2006-01-30T00:28:00.000-08:00

We've come such a long way
From where I thought we would stay
We've come such a long way,
But we've also taken two steps back.
We tread a dangerous path,
How do I know?
This is a path that has been throdden before
And will be much more
Before life ceases to exist
And breathing is eternally a misdemeanor.
The end is destruction.
The end is me with a knife in my heart,
And you with bloody hands.
I don't wanna be your good time,
'Cause good times end.
I want to be your favorite ride,
Your addiction by prescription,
Your best friend.
We've come such a long way
From where I thought we would stay,
But is a long drop off a cliff a better place
Than where we began?
It began when you licked my lips,
But it ends with the bittersweet kiss
Of you tiring of me.
It ends with the ebb and flow
Of the tide named time,
And the emotion called "Lack of Devotion."
We've come such a long way
From where I thought we would stay
Your tongue at my ear ended my silence
But began something more destructive,
more potentially nihil.
The end is near, can't you feel it?
It ends wehn something better catches your eye.
It ends with the bittersweet kiss
Of you tiring of me.

WATCHING THE STARS DIE

2006-01-27T11:15:00.001-08:00

You and I should sit and watch the stars die
Watch them burn away with me.
I know you have your inconsistencies
But you can be so very sweet
And I want you and I to watch time fade together.
We have so much more in common
When the world is inky black
Our souls they inky match
When we lie beneath the universe
And contemplate our existence.
I love it when you and I watch the stars die.
I can almost hear them weep
I can almost hear them scream
As I listen too intently
To the silence that lies so heavily between us.
Yes, the universe disdains our inconsistent ways
But we can be so very sweeet.
And I want you and I to watch time fade together.
I want us to watch the stars die forever.
Please, let's watch them burn away,
Come burn it all away with me.

THE MEMORY OF YOU

2006-01-26T01:04:00.000-08:00

There's still the memory of you
That lingers on my lips
You linger on my lips
And though I try I can't forget
Each and every moment
When you brought me away
From the silence and the pain
With your smile
With your charm
With your warm arm wrapped around me
There's still some warmth left behind
Inside me
There's a fire, a burning within for you
For you
To never kindle again.

USING YOU

2006-01-09T01:09:00.000-08:00

You are the syringe
I plunge into my flesh
Under my skin,
You get under my skin
But he is my heroin
And swims, The liquid life within.
He is my liquid life,
My heroin.
You are the black lace bra,
The fishnet covered thigh.
I use you to get him,
My means to an end,
But he is my heroin.
I love you I love you I love you
My dirty syringe
But you are only a means to an end.
He is my heroin.

THE ENDLESS FIGHT

2005-12-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

The silence between us won't leave me alone
I can't escape your stony glare
I want more you say, you plead,
But what if this is all I have to give?
What if this is all that I can offer?
Will those pale fingers of yours still beckon for me in the night?
Will those awkward eyes of yours still look at me with inner sight?
Someday you will see there is so much more
To loving me.
I want more you say, you cry
But what if this is all I have to give?
Let me live, let me live.
I'd give it all away to you, I would
But this is all I have to give
The silence between us is the constant reminder
Of how I failed you and all your ne'er do wrong tendencies.
That cold stare, stony glare,
You are like the blackest night,
The endless fight.
Sword in hand, you cut me down and down and down
A dagger thrust and you have my heart;
You have always had my heart.
I want more you say, you weep, you die
I gave you all I had to give
Now let me live...
Let me live.
A dagger thrust and you have my heart;
You have always had my heart.

SPIDERWEBS

2005-11-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

Spiderwebs make me think of you
The way you dance and move
The shimmer
The glimmer
The sadness in your eyes
I can't quite place that look
But it matches the disquiet in my
Heart.
Which silken strand
Do you cling to the most,
The one that is darkened by the shade,
The one a subtle hint of lavender jade?
The loss of hope,
The descent to despair,
The way you dance and move.
Spiderwebs make me think of you
How easy you are to hold on to,
How easily you fall apart.
The shimmer
The glimmer
And then you are gone.

LOVE DIES

2005-10-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

I saw a glimpse of Heaven
In your eyes that day.
Or maybe it was Hell?
All I know is
It made me feel less
Grey.
I watched when you thought
No one could
See.
I watched you
Watching her
Watching me.
The sky was blue
The day I held you
Close to me.
Now we hold each other
Like corpses hold a conversation.
The stench carries on the breeze
Lurid smiles adorning the
Skeletal guise.
Who knows why love dies.
I felt you more those days
When I was far away
Than I can now
Touching you,
Your hand in mine is devoid of soul.
I look in your eyes
And my Heaven (or was it Hell?)
is gone.
Pieces of you
Have died away
Have left you
Like you left me, when I let you leave me
Behind.
My voice
Which withered away in your company
Has returned to me,
But your eyes still look so lonely.
There is nothing left in your eyes for me...
Lurid smiles...
Skeletal guise...
There is nothing left in your eyes.
Who knows why love dies.

LIKE A HEART

2005-10-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

A rose is like a heart
It's crimson hue, it's elegant protection,
Subtle deception,
But so easily plucked in the light of day.
So easily thrown away.

HONEY

2005-09-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

The pretty butterflies are drawn to you,
You paint such pretty pictures
in thier hazy minds.
Everything about you is
Sweet like honey.
So in they dip their pretty
feet.
-If only young hearts could understand
That love is just a game-
They drink your nectar sweet
-If you were a snake it'd be venom-
drip, agonizing drip.
Happily they lap lap lap
with their pretty little tongues
until satiation finds them.
-You are never satisfied-
They flutter their pretty wings
as if they could keep your eyes.
-silly butterflies-
They preen, surrounded by your pungent sweetness.
-Your glance is a thousand red roses-
Their wings flutter flutter flutter
too late to escape your sticky grasp.
The brilliant wings catch on your honey
and fall to pieces.
Their screams will always haunt me.
Empty eyes stare out of
Honey-glazed sockets,
Carmelized tributes to happier days
and hautier spirits.
-We never think we'll be the ones to get caught-
-You never suspect it's you who could
Drown in his sweet kiss,
His viscous embrace-
Even butterflies can drown in honey.

DANCE WITH ME

2005-09-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's funny how everything can fall apart
But still your life goes on.
And there's the gaping hole
That never goes away.
Nothing ever fills it,
It grows larger every day
Consuming every part of you
Till you're amorphous and grey.
You suck the joy from every situation
Just by being there.
You're a waste of air.
Every moment is me, waiting.
Maybe it's for you to save me from myself.
Maybe it's to die.
I'm waiting for you to smile at me
So maybe I can cry
And everythign will be all right.
Tell me someday someone will love me.
Tell me someday someone will understand.
Dance with me, come on, take my hand.

EAT

2005-09-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'll eat your sorrow
Won't chuck it up.
No bulimia for me,
Bulimia is not the answer.
Neither is Anorexia,
B/c don't ya know
It wrecks your life.
I'll eat your madness
Like chocolate cake.
It's richness might overwhelm me
But I wont chuck it up
B/c bulimia is not the answer.
I'm full of you
And your depravity.
I wish youd do the same for me
Cuz your lookin' thin
And anorexia is not the answer,
But bulimia might be.
No, that's not right.
In any case
Eat! Damnit! Eat!

PRETTY

2005-08-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

I felt like being pretty today
So I layered on the black nail-polish,
It sparkles in a most seemly way,
Like asphalt on a sunny day.
I painted pretty lines around my eyes
To make the shadows less stark,
To make my eyes less dead.
I wore my favorite shirt, black shoes,
My most flattering pair of pants
So no one can tell how uncomfortable I am inside.
I slathered on the glitter
To be magical and all things mystery
But there is no magic in the world
And that's the only mystery that interests me.
I wore my hair in a dark curtain
To hide behind when life makes me ache,
But my roots are growing out
And all I feel is fake.
My poise is fabrication.
My laughter a facade.
I feel less real than Peter Pan,
Less read than a dictionary in the ghetto.
I felt like being pretty today,
But no amount of paint
Could cover the rot inside.

UNDERSTANDING

2005-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Nobody really ever understands,
No matter how they say they do,
Nobody could possibly understand all the intricacies of you.
They'll never know your every motivation,
They'll never see your every slight depression,
They'll never look deeper than they want,
Theyll never hear anything that isn't said.
No matter how they say they do,
Nobody could possibly understand
All the intricacies of you.
If they say they understand
They're lying,
'Cause lying comes naturally
When you think you own empathy.
All the sympathetic stares in the world
Won't make me believe them.
They don't understand because they're not you.
No matter how they say they do,
Nobody could possibly understand
All the intricacies of you.
...nobody ever really understands.

FADE

2005-06-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

The wind tugs with grasping fingers
I can feel myself
Almost
Fading away.
It's a slow thing
But no one notices,
No one cares.
Slowly I become nobody,
If I was ever anyone at all.
Slowly I become nothing
Like Echo,
Just the faintest whisper in your ear,
The slightest breeze upon your skin.
My kisses are the ignored chill
Upon your spine.
I am nothing but a memory,
A ghost of something
That might've been
ReaL.
The wind grasps with tugging, needy
Fingers
And I let myself
Fade away.

YIELD TO THE SIGN

2005-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

My friend likes pink
He's a super cool guy
Almost black hair angled over one eye.
"I like your sleeves, they're really big,"
He says to me.
I think it's meant to be an innuendo.
YIELD to the sign
You're welcome to what's not mine
YIELD to the sign
You'll never have what's mine.
"You don't push my go fast button,"
He says to me.
But that's fine, just fine
Bloody fucking swell, in fact.
I like carrots, but peas are also good
I don't think Im thinking the way I should.
YIELD to the sign
You're welcome to what's not mine
YIELD to the sign
You'll never have what's mine.
This isn't really life,
It's just what it pretends to be.
I don't really care
And I only seem to see,
But my friend really is a super cool guy
Who likes pink.

FLIRTATION

2005-04-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

A smile,
Flip the hair,
Work that glossy mane like you mean it.
A grin,
A teasing remark,
Hands all aflutter,
A mutual attraction.
One blonde, one brunette.
Neither too worried about menstruation.

SOUR

2005-04-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

Discordant without remorse
A sour sound
Where do we go to now?
The melody is gone
And so is the soul.
Embittered black hole
Is all that's left.

ONE SWIFT INTAKE

2005-01-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

Collective breaths of the masses
One swift intake
exhale
eyes drying out of their wide open sockets
sweat stark against their pallid faces
Silent screams echoing
resounding within
Rigid spines
Hands clenched upon themselves
tight fists to ward away what connot be physically fought
Internal shout.
The masses tightly smile and nod their pale head
at the thing they will never understand
Inexplicable fear.
It drives the masses
hearts pounding with unnecessary rage,
Anger fear hate.
One swift intake
exhale.

FELL

2004-12-11T10:40:00.000-08:00

A star fell from the heavens today
This day when there you lay
Cold, empty, catatonic shell.
The heavens wept from the loss,
Rain pouring down
From the blackest clouds I've ever seen.
And the sky seems dark now
With no one and nothing to fill
The void you've left behind.
The sound is the day without your voice
An aching, throbbing silence
Ever since
The day you fell and became this
Cold, catatonic shell from what you used to be.
The food has lost it's flavor,
The drink has lost it's effect
The drugs, they numb the pain,
But they don't bring you back.
What happened to the star that shone so bright
Providing all necessary light.
Now all is dark chaotic madness
This empty soul cries with sadness
All f*cked up since you fell from the sky.
A star fell from the heavens today
This day when there you lay
Cold, empty, catatonic shell.
I guess I'll greet you when I meet you
In heartwarming Hell.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

2004-11-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

I hate feeling like this
Like I'm not good enough
I hate acting this way
Like I'm in a badly written play.
I hate bing here without
My self-confidence,
It left me some time ago
And now I've no defense.
I'm not the way I seem to be
I'm not the girl you think is me
I'm not the happy go fuck me freak
And I'm a little scared to speak
Out of turn
Far too loud
Way too much or not enough.
I hate feeling like this
Like nothin I do could ever be
Good enough, good enough
For who you think is me
I'm not the way I seem to be
I'm not the girl you think is me
I'm not the happy go fuck me freak
I'm just ordinary
Not good enough
For you.

TYRANICAL MONSTER BITCH ASS HO

2004-10-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Tyranical Monster Bitch Ass Ho
That's her status quo.
She doesn't care about me,
She doesn't care about you.
She's just a poser queen bee,
Just a wanna be with no clue.
Her gossip is always vast,
But her words are never true;
She doesn't care about the past,
She doesn't care about you.
She tries too hard,
She talks too loud,
She brakes her promises,
Is vain and preppy proud.
Tyranical Monster Bitch Ass Ho,
She's the worst person to know.
She lies and she cheats,
She wears short skirts with pleats.
She doesn't care about me,
She doesn't care about you;
She's just a poser queen bee,
And she has no fucking clue.

SHUT UP

2004-10-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

You make me wanna kill you dead
Shut up, go away, get outta my head
You're putting me into a downward spiral
Don't touch me, you ass, you're infectious and viral.
I have this pounding ache, this cranial pain
You fucking fake, you're giving me a migraine.
I hate your smug snears and false fucking airs
I hate your pierced ears (express from Claires@)
You moronic dipshit loser, get out now
I can't stand it a second longer, you sodding cow
Shut up, go away, get out of my head,
You make me wanna kill you dead.